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Articles on this Page
- 06/28/17--11:00: _5 Questions You Sho...
- 06/28/17--17:40: _How I Deal With Dat...
- 06/28/17--19:00: _How to Break it to ...
- 06/29/17--19:20: _Why I Forgave the G...
- 06/30/17--12:10: _This Is the Type Of...
- 06/30/17--18:00: _19 Words of Wisdom ...
- 07/01/17--16:25: _4 Pieces of Dating ...
- 07/02/17--16:25: _I’ve Never Dated, S...
- 07/03/17--11:00: _Where You’ll Meet Y...
- 07/03/17--19:00: _5 Signs You & Your ...
- 07/04/17--11:00: _5 Embarrassing Thin...
- 07/05/17--19:00: _5 Deal-Breaker Pers...
- 07/10/17--11:00: _What to Do When You...
- 07/10/17--18:00: _27 Thoughts Every G...
- 07/10/17--19:00: _When Should You Int...
- 07/11/17--11:00: _Your Official Fuckb...
- 07/12/17--16:30: _Dating Advice I Wis...
- 07/12/17--19:00: _6 Things You Should...
- 07/13/17--16:30: _This Is Why I'm No ...
- 07/14/17--11:00: _15 Reasons You Shou...
- 07/17/17--11:00: _5 Reasons Why You S...
- 07/17/17--19:00: _Everything You Need...
- 07/18/17--11:00: _7 Ways to Stop Fall...
- 07/18/17--18:00: _17 Things Lazy Girl...
- 07/19/17--19:00: _4 Reasons Not to be...
- 06/28/17--11:00: 5 Questions You Should Always Ask On the First Date
- 06/28/17--17:40: How I Deal With Dating As An Introvert
- 06/28/17--19:00: How to Break it to Your Friends & Family About the Breakup
- 06/29/17--19:20: Why I Forgave the Guy Who Ghosted Me
- 06/30/17--12:10: This Is the Type Of Guy I'm Ready For
- 07/01/17--16:25: 4 Pieces of Dating Advice from the Single Friend
- 07/02/17--16:25: I’ve Never Dated, So This is How I Practice Self-Love
- 07/03/17--11:00: Where You’ll Meet Your SO, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
- 07/03/17--19:00: 5 Signs You & Your SO Are Ready to Move in Together
- 07/04/17--11:00: 5 Embarrassing Things That Can Happen During Sex (& How to Recover)
- “Incorporating fantasy into the sensations of your partner—superimpose your favorite hot images or watch little movies in your mind. You don’t have to tell your partner—chances are good they do the same thing sometimes.”
- “Give your partner some suggestions to help you get there.”
- “Give yourself a hand. Most women find it MUCH easier to climax from masturbation than with a partner. Luckily, most partners say they think it’s hot to see a woman touch herself. As you reach down, say, ‘I think I need my own fingers to get over the edge, but this feels so good. You know what would be really hot? If you [give them some specific way to touch you] at the same time.’”
- “Remember—and tell your partner—that most women don’t need an orgasm 100% of the time to be satisfied. Tell them you had a great time but it’s just not gonna happen tonight. You might need to repeat this a few times to convince them.”
- “Most of all, don’t fake! If you fake, you’re teaching your partner all wrong. Take the pledge: I am one of those women who does not fake orgasms! It might mean you’re disappointed from time to time, but when your orgasms are real your partner is learning exactly what does and doesn’t work for you.”
- 07/05/17--19:00: 5 Deal-Breaker Personality Traits & 4 To Give A Second Chance
- 07/10/17--11:00: What to Do When Your Parents Don’t Like Your SO
- 07/10/17--18:00: 27 Thoughts Every Girl Has During a One-Night Stand
- 07/10/17--19:00: When Should You Introduce Your SO to Your Parents?
- 07/11/17--11:00: Your Official Fuckboi Field Guide: How to Identify Them in the Wild
- 07/12/17--16:30: Dating Advice I Wish Someone Had Given Me Before College
- 07/12/17--19:00: 6 Things You Should Always Do During Sex
- 07/13/17--16:30: This Is Why I'm No Longer Going to Fake My Orgasms
- 07/14/17--11:00: 15 Reasons You Should Date the Perpetually Single Girl
- 07/17/17--11:00: 5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Gossip About Your Ex
- 07/18/17--11:00: 7 Ways to Stop Falling for the Same Type of Guy
- 07/18/17--18:00: 17 Things Lazy Girls Hate About First Dates
With the prevalence of hook-ups in the age of Tinder and right swiping, sometimes the concept of love seems hard to fathom. However, for the collegiette looking for a serious partner, these are the five recommended questions that can be used to determine whether your first date could eventually lead into a long-term relationship.
1. What was your childhood like?
From this question, you’ll get to understand the extent of parental influence on your date and gauge the state of their relationship with their family. Dr. Carole Lieberman, a Beverly Hills psychiatrist and author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them, says that “the best predictor of whether a guy is a bad boy who will break your heart is his relationship with his mom. If he’s harboring resentments, he will take them out on you.” If your date relays miserable childhood stories and criticizes his upbringing, Lieberman advises that it’s best to avoid starting a relationship with him or her.
2. What do you see yourself doing a few years from now?
The benefit of having a conscientious and driven SO is that you’ll both inspire and support each other professionally. Olivia*, a junior at Seneca College, says that she doesn’t shy away from consulting her boyfriend for career-related advice. "He’s two years older than I am and has had more experience searching for internships and jobs," she says. "Whenever I needed help editing my resume or reaching out to recruiters, he’s always been there to offer tips and encourage me throughout the process."
Evidently, for a long-term partner, you want someone who knows what they want to achieve and the intent to follow through. During first dates, other questions to explore could be asking about their short-term goals, how they lead to their overarching future plans and what motivates them to achieve them. After all, ambition is an attractive trait.
3. What do you like to do when you’re not working?
You get a glimpse into someone's personality through the type of interests he or she has and can use this topic to see whether you share any common pastimes. Colin*, a senior at the University of Waterloo, concurs that finding common ground is helpful in getting your date to open up about personal details and gradually transition into other related topics. "I met this great girl last year who was really shy," he says. "I initially had a hard time maintaining a two-way conversation because she would try to deflect my questions. It wasn’t until I told her about my experiences studying abroad for exchange that she visibly relaxed and was more willing to talk about herself."
If you have a sense of adventure, you could ask your date about travel--what cities he or she has been to and his or her most memorable experiences abroad. If you’re a cinema fanatic, you could ask about favorite movies genres, films, and favorite characters. If you have an appreciation for music, you could ask if he or she plays an instrument as well as inquire about favorite songs. The possibilities are endless.
4. Have you read any good books recently?
While physical attraction is one component of maintaining a healthy relationship, intellectual stimulation is equally important. Elena*, a sophomore at Western University, says that being able to hold a friendly debate is her criteria for a second date. "It doesn’t matter what your view is on a subject, as long as we can have a fun and lively discussion, it shows me that you’re someone that isn’t afraid of banter and can hold their own," she says.
After the I-can’t-get-my-hands-off-of-you phase passes during the early stages of dating, you’ll find yourself bored if you and your love interest can’t hold an engaging conversation. During the first date, other questions to ask include those about book recommendations and favorite authors.
5. What are you most passionate about?
Through this question, you get a sense of what your date’s fundamental beliefs are and the humanitarian causes that he or she feels strongly about. Political views might be a bit of a sensitive subject for a first date, but topics such as volunteering with a non-profit organization are safe if not encouraged. Jason*, a sophomore at York University, says that he likes to learn more about his date’s core values to determine their level of compatibility. "For me, I love seeing a girl getting fired up about a cause she really cares about," he says. "It’s honestly a turn-on because it shows that she’s the kind of person who has empathy for others and is willing put in the effort to help those in need."
While your date’s responses to these five questions will give you an idea about his or her character, it is also suggested that you be mindful of the following signs. Lieberman says that “you should pay attention to how much care he puts into planning your first date. If he’s hoping to have a serious relationship with you, he will have given your first date a lot of thought because he knows that if you have a great time, you will be more likely to agree to a second date.”
She says that how much your love interest spends is irrelevant because he or she could be creative and resourceful with planning the date (i.e. organizing a picnic at a scenic spot) regardless of whether or not they lack financial resources. Lieberman also notes that if he or she has the intent of taking you home for the first date then “he thinks you’re not worth the effort of planning something, and is hoping you’ll be fine with just hooking up.”
Evidently, finding someone who’s compatible with your personality isn’t easy. Sometimes, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Regardless of how your date turns out, good or bad, going on a first date with different people lets you figure out what traits you like and also makes for great stories that you can regale friends with when you’ve had one too many glasses of wine.
*Names have been changed
People tend to put labels on everything. From gender to sexuality to relationship statuses, there's basically a label for any and everything you could possibly think of. Even though there's been a strong push for the destruction of many of these (which is great for a lot of obvious reasons), there is still one label-filled distinction that always has me a bit wary. The terms "introvert" and "extrovert" act as ways to define a personality type, but are often used as unwarranted limitions or personal restrictions–basically an excuse used to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone. Before I read Amy Schumer's The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo, I had a hard time warming up to the idea of openly identifying as an introvert, especially when it came to dating or relationsips. It wasn't until I flipped through these pages that I learned accepting my identity as an introvert would change the way I dealt with the dating world.
In her book, Schumer explains that, as a female introvert herself, she often feels obligated to give her energy away to other people. More explicitly, she writes, “If you’re a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don’t hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them—like the sun.” This alone can make dating extremely challenging, especially in the infamous honeymoon phase. New couples tend to spend as much time as they possibly can with one another, often unintentionally neglecting friends, hobbies and sometimes even daylight. Before they know it, the pair have basically morphed into one person. It can be easy to start losing sight of personal goals and interests in this stage of the relationship, making any sense of individuality almost disappear completely. This Instagram-worthy phase is, of course, both blissful and glamorous, but it can also be completely exhausting and overwhelming.
If this is you, it’s a smart idea to set boundaries for yourself and to care for your own needs before you collapse into a cranky shell of the person you used to be.
As an introvert, alone-time is something that is essential to our happiness. Personally, I can say that I love being alone. It can be difficult to explain or defend this desire to be alone without offending your SO, especially since there's a lot of confusion regarding the difference between being alone and being lonely. Sometimes it can be even more difficult to rationalize this need to yourself without feeling selfish about it. What's important here is to remember that you need this time to recharge, to refuel and to become you again. In fact, Schumer says, “What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this ‘problem’ for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.” I certainly have no problem with it.
No one’s calling for complete Bear Grylls isolation here, just a few extra hours to yourself every so often so you can sit on the beach, journal, craft, go for a bike ride or lay on the kitchen floor in your towel–basically just do whatever you want! The truth is, once you accept your personality type and recognize what makes you happy, you'll be able to be happy with somone else–or you'll even just be self-aware enough to know whether or not you're in the right retlationsip at all. Remember, you are not shy, standoffish, antisocial or uninteresting. You are you. Life gets better once you accept that.
Breakups suck for the obvious reasons, but sometimes the more subtle reasons can still be bothersome. Imagine your friends and family loving your significant other more than you did. And now you’ve ended it. If it sounds pretty uncomfortable, it’s because it is. Not only are you probably a little shaken up, perhaps even upset, but now you have to relive the ending of your relationship as you tell all your friends how and why the special person in your life is gone. Not only are your dreams about the future of you two gone, but their projected dreams are gone too.
1. Come to terms with why you should break up
Depending on the intensity of their relationship with your ex, there could be a variety of reactions. For example, your mom that was expecting a proposal in the near future would probably be flabbergasted and perhaps a little disappointed. If you haven’t actually broken up with this person yet only because you’re afraid of the reaction from others, that’s a pretty good indicator that you should go ahead with the breakup. If the only thing holding you two lovebirds together is the opinion of your mom, dad, sister, best friend, whoever, then this relationship is not strong enough, to begin with. Truly dig deep on why you may or may not be happy, without the influx of everyone else’s thoughts on the subject. You’re dating this person, not them.
2. Ask your loved ones for support
After the actual breakup, it's a good idea to approach your friends and family and tell them about why you've been unhappy and unsatisfied in your relationship. This could be for a number of reasons and circumstances, but it's up to you to explain why you believe this decision was the best for you. Of course, you don't owe anyone an explanation, but because your loved ones may be invested in your relationship they might expect to hear your side of the story. This is your opportunity to open up.
3. If they're unhappy, state reasons why you're better off
Maybe your now ex was manipulative, or over possessive. Perhaps they did not support your career choice, or you simply couldn't see spending the rest of your life with someone you didn't truly love. Whatever the reasons, it might be a good idea to start detailing them to give more context to your choice of ending it. Chances are, their unhappiness about the break up will be redirected and they'll realize you are essentially happier without that SO.
4. Reassure them that this is for the best
You might want to say that you know there will be other loves in your life, or that you know you don't need anyone to take care of you. Remind them that you are currently better off alone than you are with that person, and if they truly cared about you, they would support you and your choice.
Theresa Sansone, a sophomore from The College of New Jersey, says, "Your friends and family may love your significant other, but at the end of the day you, and only you, are the person that's dating him or her. If you stay in a relationship just because you want to make everyone else happy, you will ultimately be the unhappy one and that's not fair to you or your significant other. I feel like if you are true and honest with yourself and your relationship, your friends and family will support your decision and will understand that it has nothing to do with them personally." Theresa hit the point right on the head.
In fact, if your loved ones truly cared about you and your wellbeing, they should be worried about your unhappiness. If they truly had your best interests in mind, they should want the best for you, even if that means letting go of someone they may have liked. Trust yourself and how you’re feeling before you begin getting advice from all sorts of people. Those people may have seen a glimpse of your SO, while you actually have spent a genuine good chunk of time with this person to decide if this is the person for you.
Honestly, at the end of the day, it was your relationship. Not theirs. They are allowed to feel remorse, as they may have been close to that person as well, but they ultimately should know their bounds because this is your life. And you’re allowed to date or break up with whomever, because once again, in case this didn’t click, it’s your life.
Throughout my sophomore year of college, I had a fling with a guy two years older than me. It was fun and exciting–well, when it actually worked. It started off casually and we went on a few ~fancy~ dates to our school dining hall until we started to just hang out in his room, “watching” movies and TV shows. We had good conversations, texted a few times a week and it was just fun to spend time with him–but it was nothing super serious from the start. I enjoyed being around him since it was comfortable, and he never pressured me into doing anything.
By the time second semester rolled around, things changed. We hung out less and less until it was rare to even see him even just around campus. It was understandable though–he was busy writing his thesis and didn't have much free time to hang out. I texted him a few times to say hi and ask how he was, but hardly heard back from him. When I did, the response times varied, sometimes it would be only an hour later and other times more than a month would pass. The drastic decrease in responsiveness was concerning, especially since I’m a compulsive worrier. Eventually, we hung out again, and I told him that I didn’t like not hearing from him for weeks at a time. He apologized.
It was fine for a while. Even though we weren’t communicating anywhere near as much as we had been during first semester, we still hung out a few times and, surprisingly, it was better than it had been. But then it all went downhill again and he went back to his old days of being AWOL whenever it suited him. Whenever he would take a break from ghosting me, he’d say it was because he was busy with senior activities and writing his thesis–I accepted that. I knew it was a fling and wasn’t anything too serious, so him hitting me up whenever he felt like it was going to be the norm. Even still, the way he disappeared for long periods of time bothered me. I knew we still had a friendship, but I felt awkward about voicing how that made me feel though. Besides, I knew that officially ending the fling wouldn’t be productive for either of us; he would most likely stop texting entirely and I’d lose the good parts of the fling along with the bad. Eventually I stopped hearing from him, making it clear I didn't even have a choice about whether or not this fling would continue. Ultimately, I don’t regret giving him all of those chances, even though it did hurt when he ghosted me each time.
After the school year ended, I finally told him how his behavior had hurt me and sometimes made me doubt myself. He apologized again. He hadn’t meant to hurt me, and I know that he genuinely didn’t realize I was feeling those things. Telling him was more for my benefit than it was for his. I knew that I needed some form of closure after the series of hookups and conversations of which our fling consisted of ended.
I honestly don’t regret having the fling with him, and I don’t even regret continually granting forgiveness. There are so many things in this world that I could withhold forgiveness, so many wrongdoings committed that, in the grand scheme of things, I would rather grant forgiveness for these small, personal hurts than allow them to keep me from living my life. We still talk every once in a while and I still consider him a friend. In the end, I’d rather forgive too much than too little.
I’ve gotten to a point where I’m just so sick and tired of the modern dating scene—of Tinder, unsolicited dick pics and phrases like “Call me daddy.” I'm tired of guys who string you along and then bail at the first sign of commitment. I'm sick of over-complicated, immature, short-term relationships that fizzle out as quickly as they began. I’ve gotten to a point where all I can think is, “Why even bother?”
So, to the next guy that walks up to me at the bar: Ask me my name before feebly attempting to grind your crotch against my ass (or at least look me in the eye first). To the next guy that matches me on Tinder: Understand that cheesy pickup lines only work on me when they’re dripping in sarcasm. (You can’t take yourself seriously and ask me if I’m from Tennessee at the same time.)
I’m ready for someone who knows there’s a time and place to kiss me but never forgets to reach for my hand. I'm ready for the one who can make me feel a million different things just from a single look and whose presence can instantly make me feel at ease and whose kiss makes me forget there’s anything wrong in the first place.
I’m ready for the guy who lets me be the little spoon when we’re watching movies together but knows I hate cuddling when it’s time to sleep, the one who doesn’t get mad when I take all the good pillows or steal all the blankets and the one who will wrap his arm around me when he is half-asleep (and carry on unphased when I shove them off again).
I’m ready for the guy who I can be proud of when I introduce him to my family. I'm ready for the guy who is always down for a game of cards—the one who isn’t afraid to tease my father back or go shot-for-shot with my step-mom. I’m ready for the guy who understands that family means everything to me and won’t be annoyed when I just want to sit on the couch and hang out with them instead of hiding away in my room.
I’m ready for the guy who can take care of me. I'm ready for the one who knows how stubbornly independent I am and who understands when I need help without making me ask for it. I don't want him to just fix things for me, but I want him to teach me how to fix them for myself. I'm ready for the one that I can rely on.
I’m ready for the type of guy that is always there—the type of guy that loves his family and has goals for his life and can hold a conversation with my sister even if I leave the room. I'm ready for the guy who will ask me about my day and actually care about the answer. I'm ready for the guy who will keep me grounded and who will put in effort to know everything about me. I'm ready for the guy who will never leave.
Any reputable online love advice column will tell you to never take advice from your single friends. But why not? Your single BFF may have more relationship experience than you’d imagine—or at least have some good tips on how to have fun and stay young. Here are 19 words of wisdom all single girls have for their #taken friends.
1. Love yourself first and foremost
How can you expect to fully love someone if you don’t learn to love yourself first? Never underestimate me time.
2. Slow down, girl
What's the rush?! Love isn’t a race, so think things over before you start dress shopping and cake tasting.
3. Learn everything about each other
If you can live with his insane snoring at night, then he can live with your ever-growing collection of lipsticks that are slowly taking over the apartment.
4. Let him breathe!
We know you love spending time with him, but trust me, he'll still be there if you come shopping with me instead.
5. Food cures all
Boyfriend is mad at you? Feed him. He's sad because he failed an exam? Feed him. His mom doesn't like you? Feed her, too.
6. And wine, lots of wine
Don't forget to pour yourself ~one~ glass and unwind after a long night. You're never too old for fun.
7. Communicate with him like you would with me
Say what you mean and mean what you say. That means no passive-aggressive shade throwing. Sorry.
8. NEVER skip our girls' night out
You better always make time for drinks with the girls!
9. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side
So what if Ashley's boyfriend is taking her to get seven for $27 panties from Victoria's Secret? It doesn't mean your relationship is any less fun or spontaneous.
10. Stop trying to be #RelationshipGoals
Let’s be honest—that couple that you’re envying on Instagram is nowhere near as perfect as they seem. Learn to enjoy each other’s company without inviting all 1,643 of your Instagram followers to join the relationship.
11. "Date" his friends
No, not literally. Take time and get to know his friends (and help a sister out with those matchmaking skills of yours). Who knows, you might actually enjoy going out to frat parties and playing beer pong every once in a while.
12. Save your sass for me
Pick your battles wisely. Just because he believes Empire is a better show than Power doesn't mean it's time to start World War III.
13. Appreciate the little things
Because being single means I don't always have someone to bring me my favorite ice cream when I'm cramming for finals in the library.
14. Never replace me with him
Don't you DARE do this to me.
15. Get used to the occasional boring night
Yeah, dinner and a movie is nice, but get used to a lot of nights of him trash talking on the PS4 while you’re in bed watching makeup tutorials. Just sayin'.
16. But remember how to party like us single ladies
Let loose once in a while!
17. Sometimes you might want to experiment and have fun...
18. ...but it's not all that it's cracked up to be
^ no longer you
19. Expose your true self to him
Let him see the you that I know and love. I'm talking full-on sweatpants, hair tied, chillin' with no makeup on.
Okay, so quick disclaimer: maybe you shouldn’t take my advice. After all, I’m probably the single friend for a reason. However, there's a chance my advice is even more valid because being the single friend has given me ample time to hear all of my friends’ problems and learn from them. I like to believe I’ve gotten pretty good at being the unofficial therapist of the friend group.
I know most of you collegiettes reading this are dealing with dating issues. Those crushes sure like to cause problems, don’t they? So here’s what we’re gonna do. Go buy a carton of ice cream, grab two spoons and climb on up to my dorm room bunk bed. Let’s have a heart-to-heart. Here are some things my friends have taught me that I want to share with you.
1.It’s not your fault
A few months ago, my friend Emily* was dating a guy, and was really nervous to ask him “the question.” You know the question...the infamous “So are we a thing or are you just buying me dinner every other night for the heck of it?” She said that last time she asked that question to a boy, it scared him off. Why does it always make the good ones run?! My friends and I pumped Emily up, saying someone’s going to have to ask it at some point, so she might as well ask it now. Finally, after we all passed her phone around and edited the text, she hit send, and we waited nervously. The response came about an hour later, and it wasn’t good. He said that he “wasn’t planning on much,” and then never texted her again. Rude. Emily blamed herself for that for a long time. She would sit and wonder what might have happened if she’d never sent that text, or if she’d worded it differently, or if she would’ve waited for him to make it official.
About a month later, something similar happened to another friend, Rachel. She was told she was "too clingy" and should have "given him some space." She believed that if she hadn't wanted to hang out with him as much then they'd still be together. But, is this true? I don't know. Maybe. But aren't you supposed to want to see the person you're dating?
Here’s the thing: Emily is a smart girl, and she likes answers. If that boy was so intimidated by such a simple text, then he simply wasn’t the one for her. Same goes for Rachel. If that boy didn’t want the amount of Rachel that she wanted to give, he wasn’t right for her. It’s not her fault that he didn’t want to spend that much time with her. Someday, she’ll find a boy who sees her “clinginess” as her best quality because he’s so excited to be with her, and maybe he’ll find a girl who values personal space the way he does. See what I mean? These things weren’t Emily’s fault, nor were they Rachel’s fault. The relationships just weren’t meant to be. The same goes for you.
2. Listen to the vibes
One time my friend Kathryn* came over after hanging out with a boy she had been dating and started to give me the rundown on ~everything~ that had happened.. After, I asked her the most important question a friend could ask, “So...good vibes?” “Um. Yeah. I think,” she said. (Note to all of you: "I think" does not suffice. If the vibes are good, you will know.)
I asked her what she meant and she said, “I mean, I think I wanted to do everything we did [physically]. I didn't say no or anything.” I asked her a few more questions, and she tried to convince me she was truly into it. “No, it's fine. I think we're overthinking it. The vibes are probably actually fine.”
The rest of the day she texted me trying to justify this boy, saying things like, “Well, he probably just thought I wanted to do that stuff, right?” or “If I didn't want to do that stuff, I would’ve said said no, so I think I did want to.” She really liked him, and really wanted to be with him, but needless to say, things did not work out between those two. A couple months later, she started dating some other boy, and one day after they hung out, she texted me “OMG! SUCH good vibes! Like he cares so much about me being comfortable and doesn't do anything without specifically asking me and making sure I want to!”
Ladies, only date a boy if he gives you those vibes. Attraction masks a lot, and makes you forget that something a boy is doing is wrong, so as a rule of thumb, if you have to question them, they're bad vibes. Don’t settle.
3. Don’t date the boy who makes you forget you existed before him
I specifically remember sitting at my friend Lizzie’s kitchen counter the evening after her boyfriend broke up with her. She was past the initial shock, and it was time to start trying to get her to look to the future. You know, that phase where you’ve eaten all the ice cream and should probably start living again. And to my dismay, Lizzie couldn’t remember a single thing she wanted to do.
This broke my heart because I knew Lizzie; we’d been friends forever. She had so many goals for her life–she was passionate, a dreamer and one of the most fun-loving people I know. But in her time with Ryan, she’d managed to give up every single one of those goals. Now when she thought of the things she wanted to do with her life, all she could think was “I just want to be with him.” It makes you wonder, if Lizzie lost almost all of herself when she was dating Ryan, then was Ryan really in love with her? If he was, wouldn’t he love those goals and passions, and do everything he could to help her reach them?
This is a hard one because falling in love changes your whole perspective on the world. But you should date a boy who loves the person you already are, and because of that love you're able to grow into somebody better. My friend Ashley also went through a breakup recently, and although it's still tremendously difficult, she still has herself. She accomplished a lot during her time with him, and she knows she'll continue to do so. This didn’t just make the breakup easier–when they were together, it made the relationship better! Ashley was in love with all aspects of her life–her schoolwork, her hobbies, her friends and her boyfriend. Being with a SO who makes you forget who you are sounds romantic at first, but really it just strips you of your identity.
4. You are good enough
Always, always, always. I promise you that there is not a single person out there in this planet who is “too good for you.” You are unique, beautiful, radiant. Do you believe that? If your crush makes you feel like you’re not enough, or that you have to work to impress them, remember that they are the one who is not good enough for you. I know you’re not perfect, and I know there are things about yourself that you want to change. That’s true of everybody. But I have seen too many incredible people settle for boys who don’t appreciate them, simply because they don’t believe they’re worthy of his appreciation. Promise me that you won’t let that happen! Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength in your body to believe that you are a work of art. You have to wake up in the morning and repeat to yourself, “I am worthy of the best kind of love,” until you really, truly believe it. If you have to change to impress him, he does not deserve you. It’s as simple as that.
*Names have been changed
By Kiran Sharma
When I tell someone that I’ve never dated, be it a new encounter or with casual friends, the response I almost always receive is one of shock. “But you’re twenty!” they gasp, followed by, “I’m sure you’ll find someone soon!” On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve had people poke fun at my supposed perpetual singleness, saying I'm single from the womb to the tomb. I even used to self-deprecatingly refer to myself as a spinster. Despite a lack of partners for various reasons, I’ve been practicing self-love for the past year, and it amazes me how many men and women don’t try the same–single or not. It’s changed my life, allowed me to gain a new perspective on problems that I’ve dealt with and am dealing with and, most importantly, has enabled me to feel content with myself while continuously working towards a “better me.” While there are many, many ways to practice self-love, here are a few that have worked exceptionally well for me.
1. Having a good exercise routine and dietary plan
As an adolescent, I was classified by my doctors as overweight. Because I am a person of petite height, my weight was detrimental to both my health and my self-esteem. Over the years, I would cycle between trying to accept my body for what it was and trying new and extreme workout fads, to little avail. In April of 2016, I made a commitment to lose weight and radically switched up my diet and exercise; so far, I’ve lost twenty pounds (160 to 140 pounds for a 5’3” frame), grown to love exercise and have permanently modified my diet. For me, caring enough about what I ate and what exercises I did was a large part of self-love, because I sincerely wanted a better lifestyle. As a result, I feel better about myself now more than ever! Crafting a healthy diet and workout plan might not seem like the most obvious sign of self-love, but by doing so, I was able to focus on myself and improve my mental and physical health in the process.
2. Wearing makeup for extra sass
I have a lot of friends who love to wear full faces of makeup wherever they go, and while I don’t see the logic in doing so, I respect the process. There’s something therapeutic about “beating one’s face” and seeing the end result. Admittedly, while I’ve never owned a bottle of foundation before, I do have a routine with a few holy-grail products that never fails to cheer me up. Every day, I put on some light, shimmery blush (NARS Orgasm), two coats of mascara (Too Faced’s Better Than Sex), and some lipstick (MAC’s Twig, for example). It’s a bit of a stretch, but I do feel better when I’m a bit dolled up. I do it for my own satisfaction. I also have a penchant for red lipstick, which I wear in both casual and business professional settings, for an extra boost of confidence and femme fatale-ness. For me, makeup is a powerful way to practice self-love; it’s an art form, it’s fun and it’s a great way to boost your self-esteem.
3. Streaming Netflix
Who even pays for cable television when you can just have a Netflix account instead? It is, in a word, amazing, and I have several favorite shows that I watch, such as The Office, Parks and Rec and Arrested Development. From each of the shows there are characters I can directly relate to; I’ve laughed with them, cried with them, and have empathized with them. Watching characters in these shows struggle and succeed, like Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec in her bid for City Council has resonated with me deeply enough for me to make positive changes in my life and to never stop pursuing my dreams, whatever they may be.
4. Buying lingerie
I’ve dealt with a lot of people who seem to be under the impression that women only buy lingerie to look attractive for their respective partners, and while that may be the case for some (read: some) women, that’s not the case for me and a lot of others. Lingerie has almost purely aesthetic purpose, which sets it apart from regular undergarments, and I admire the lace and intricate details of each piece I purchase. So because it’s different from my every day wear, I do feel different when I wear it. I feel powerful and sexy, a bit daring and beautiful, but most importantly, I wear it for myself, as a practice of self-love. It took years for me to view my body as “beautiful” and to be comfortable with it, and wearing lingerie is a way for me to pay homage to that beauty. And I do plan on buying more in the future – my Etsy account is a testament to that!
Self-love is a radical concept because it’s not only difficult for everyone to practice, but because a lot of people still balk at it, as if it’s a “new-age impossibility.” A lot of us derive our worth from others instead of ourselves, not understanding what we want and need to be healthy, well-rounded individuals. Unfortunately, there are even people who only derive worth for themselves from being in a relationship, and fail to see that it’s completely possible to be single and love youself. Self-love is necessary for everyone, single or in a relationship, because it doesn’t let us forget that our needs and our health, whether it’s physical, mental or any other, are important.
Whether it’s a Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford-esque “Treat Yo’ Self” event or something more intimate, it is possible to practice self-love and be single, and can only be beneficial, as I’ve found out over the past year.
Wouldn’t it be great if your daily horoscope revealed where and when you would meet the love of your life? We think so, at least. So we’ve decided to study the signs to help determine exactly that.
You are charitable and loyal. You love using your creativity and genius to help others. You and your SO will probably meet while volunteering at your local animal shelter or working together on a revolutionary project to end world hunger.
Best of all, you’ll immediately know—and love—that the other person is generous and thoughtful, which is an obvious plus and there’s less pressure to come up with an original opening line—you can simply talk about the task at hand. Perfect!
Your sensitive, compassionate and selfless nature makes you an awesome friend. You genuinely care about others’ wellbeing and their feelings, so it’s not hard to imagine one of your longtime friendships blossoming into something more.
Alaina Leary, a second year grad student at Emerson College, says, “I'm a Pisces, and I met my SO in high school. We're actually high school sweethearts, as unbelievable as it is. We met on the first day of high school in our first class, which we had together. We started talking and then ate lunch together, and we have been a part of each other's lives ever since.”
Love can take you by surprise but if you’re as lucky as Alaina and her SO, it’ll be just what you needed, even if you didn’t know you needed it.
You’re adventurous, enthusiastic and wildly confident—always willing to try new things and meet new people. Your spontaneity and uplifting energy are hard to resist, and people are naturally drawn to you in social situations.
Sarah Cahn, who completed her degree in fashion merchandising at Kent State University this year, says she met her SO while studying abroad in Florence, Italy. “I was really looking forward to meeting people, traveling almost every weekend, eating amazing food, and the fashion field trips built into my classes. I was so excited to immerse myself in the culture and enjoy every opportunity studying abroad had to offer. Dating didn't even cross my mind; I didn't have time for it. Dylan and I were in the same orientation group in Italy. We had met a few times before at Greek events back at school but barely knew each other. Dylan studied abroad with the Architecture program and I thought it would be cool to meet people in other majors. He and I started to hang out more and more and eventually started dating while we were abroad. We explored the city of Florence together and even traveled to Croatia for the weekend!”
Sarah and Dylan have been dating for more than a year now. Couples that travel together, stay together.
You’re patient, dependable and warmhearted—friends appreciate that you listen to them and that you always offer support and encouragement. Your potential SO is most likely to strike up a conversation with you in line at an on-campus event or in one of your classes together. They will feel compelled to approach you.
Jenna Adrian, a sophomore at Drexel University, says, “I'm a Taurus and I met my SO in college when we started chatting at a party.”
Meeting someone at a party might seem like a cliché but it’s actually pretty ideal—your friends are there for backup if needed and, if all goes well, you have someone to enjoy the party with, avoiding any potential wallflower moments!
You are witty and intellectual. You’re a natural conversationalist and you’re pretty good at making people laugh. You are most likely to meet your SO at the workplace or somewhere else that you visit frequently—they won’t be able to resist your charm.
Sarah Silberstein, a senior at the University of Texas at Austin and a Gemini, says, “I met my SO at a coffee shop and breakfast cafe I was working at, at the time."
You are the Lorelai Gilmore to his Luke Danes.
You are incredibly loving but also very emotional. You tend to be more cautious because you’re more afraid than most of rejection. Your ideal situation would be to meet your SO through mutual friends. That way, you know what to expect and there are fewer risks involved.
When it comes to dating, you can never truly know what to expect. Sometimes, all it takes is a little confidence and a dose of spontaneity to get you over your biggest fears.
You are generous and open-minded, but sometimes you prefer to be in control. You will most likely meet your SO on an online dating app, like Tinder or Bumble, which allows you to indulge your experimental tastes on your own terms.
According to Sean Rad, CEO of Tinder, approximately 80 percent of Tinder users browse the app to find love, which makes sense since more than 50 percent of Americans agree that online dating is a good way to meet potential mates.
Intelligent, disciplined, practical and analytical, you are a natural at school and you’re more than okay spending your time studying or reading on campus or at a local bookstore. Every few hours though, it’s good to come up for air—you never know when your future SO is going to be right in front of you. And who doesn’t love a library or bookstore meet-cute?
Shelly Adams, a junior at Shenandoah University, says, “I’m a Virgo, I met my boyfriend at school, which sort of fits my sign. I think Virgo is meticulous and detail-oriented, known for being good at school.”
The best part about meeting your SO at the library is knowing they appreciate quiet time just as much as you do.
You are diplomatic and easygoing. You believe that people are innately good and that probably has something to do with the fact that you’re a romantic at heart. Your SO is waiting for you where you least expect them—at your next wine tasting or Sunday trip to the farmer’s market, maybe.
Nathalie*, a freshman at the University of Waterloo, says her SO won her over with a surprise dinner party. “We live really far apart so when he showed up for my birthday, I was blown away.”
Be prepared to be swept off your feet at any moment.
You are powerful and passionate. Your relationships—romantic or platonic—are always meaningful because of your magnetic personality. You are strong and confident and you don’t mind being the dominant one in a relationship. You will probably meet your SO in a group fitness class or at a karaoke bar, where you can express your bold personality.
Sara*, a senior at Florida Atlantic University, says, “I met my SO at a free yoga class in my town. We were both there for the first time and we laughed through the entire class about how awkward we felt. It really broke the ice, and made the class really exciting!”
The right person won’t be intimidated by your outgoing personality; in fact, they’ll actually find it endearing.
You are all about positivity and radiance. Your cheerful nature is contagious, and everyone knows that they’re destined to have fun with you around. You and your SO will probably cross paths at a music festival or on an exotic trip.
Bridget Higgins, a senior at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, says, “I'm a Sagittarius and I met my SO in the Dominican Republic vacationing with our friends separately. We both ended up being from Massachusetts!”
Nothing like traveling to a faraway place to bring you closer to home.
You are patient and reserved. You prefer to avoid risks and uncertainties, and you especially hate getting your hopes up. You’re content waiting around for the right thing, and you’re confident that you’ll know it when you see it. Chances are you’ll meet your SO at happy hour or you’ll reconnect with an old friend at an alumni or networking event.
The best things in life take time.
There are hundreds of places you can meet a potential SO—it can honestly be so overwhelming! Narrowing it down according to zodiac signs might be a little eccentric, but hey, it’s worth a shot.
*Names have been changed
So, you and your significant other have been getting pretty serious lately. When you picture your future plans, your SO starts to make an appearance. Everything just feels so right between you two… but, something is still missing. You both entertain the idea of moving in together, and come to find that you’d like that dream to become a reality. Still, you want to be absolutely sure that this is the right move for you and your SO. We spoke to several collegiettes about five telltale signs that you and your SO are ready to move in together, because you’ll want to be sure it feels right!
1. You’re practically living together already
You’ve cluttered his bathroom counter with your makeup, hair ties and bobby pins, and he’s got a toothbrush and some pajama pants stuffed in one of your dresser drawers. His roommates refer to you as one of their own, and he knows not to use your shower at 7:15am because that’s when your roomie uses it.
Sure, you both enjoy your free time every now and then, but if the two of you are pretty much living together already, it’s a good chance that you’re ready to make it official in your own place. Plus, there are added benefits to turning places between the two of you into one, says Megan Scavo, a junior at the University of Central Florida. “If you practically live together (staying the night together at each other’s places), why not move in together and save money?”
Being comfortable with sharing each other’s space and spending most of your nights together during the week is a huge sign that you’re ready to make the move with your SO because you’re already sharing the bulk of the experience together (ya know, like morning breath and disheveled bedhead or grocery shopping for the dinner you’re going to make that night). Yes, there are more commitments that come with sharing a place together, but at this point, it’s worth a shot!
2. You’ve been dating for a significant amount of time
Every relationship is certainly unique and moves at its own pace. Therefore, there’s no one answer to how much time together is enough time to justify major life decisions such as moving in with your SO, because the answer is specific to you and your relationship. “If you have been dating for a significant amount of time and are sure that you won’t get tired of each other, it’s safe to move in,” Megan explains.
A significant amount of time together can mean something different for every couple, but you wouldn’t want to move in with your SO before getting to know them, right? If you’re a neat freak, you’d want to have been with your SO long enough to know whether they are too or not before moving together.
Taking the time to get to know your partner and understand their living habits and preferences is very important in any relationship. If you both can agree that your time together signifies taking that next step together, then that’s definitely a sign you’ll want to take into consideration!
3. You have open communication
You’ve probably heard the saying “communication is key” a thousand times over, but it’s no lie! Norris Goldflies, a junior at the University of Illinois at Chicago, knows that communication is essential for a healthy relationship to flourish. “You definitely want to make sure you and your SO really know how to communicate if you’re thinking of moving in together,” she says.
Not only is communication important for a relationship to function smoothly, it’s also a huge sign of whether you and your SO are ready to move in together or not. Living under the same roof comes with plenty of conversations that range from “Wait, it’s my turn to do the dishes?” to “We need cut back on spending to make rent this month.”
If you and your partner can openly communicate with each other, especially when it comes to the tough subjects, then it’s a huge indicator that you’re ready to be under one roof together.
4. You’re able to make compromises without a fuss
Compromise, compromise, compromise. Relationships involve giving and taking, so if you and your SO have been considering moving in together, you’ll definitely want to be well-versed in the art of compromise. Rachna Shah, a freshman at Dartmouth College, says a good sign that you’re ready to move in together is that “you know how to compromise, and plan on doing so. Not just on what Netflix TV show to watch — though that is important! — but on accepting each other for who you are.”
Being open and willing to compromise with your SO is not only a great sign for living together, but it’s also a huge indicator that you respect your partner’s needs. “If you’re constantly keeping your SO’s opinions in mind and considering them, it’s a good sign that you’re ready to move in together,” Rachna says, because respecting each other is necessary when sharing the same living space!
5. It doesn’t feel right not coming home to your SO
You know the feel. You’ve spent the whole day away from your significant other, and when you come through the door after that long day, you want nothing more to be greeted by them with Netflix loaded and dinner made. A huge sign, and perhaps the most relatable one that you’re ready to move in together, is that you can’t imagine coming home without your SO there to greet you.
“I knew I was ready to move in with my boyfriend after we spent a week house sitting for his parents,” says Norris. “It didn’t feel right not coming home to him. Now, after living together for a year, we just bought a condo!” When the thought of not coming home to your SO every night leaves your heart feeling a little empty, moving in together can help you fill in that missing piece.
Moving in together with your SO is a huge commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly, so hopefully these five significant signs can send some reassurance your way. Knowing the signs and doing what’s best for your relationship makes all the difference when it comes to finally moving in together!
Life is full of embarrassing moments—and sex is no exception. According to Dorian Solot, sex educator and co-author of I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide, “In movies sex is so smooth and perfect, but in real life some awkward, unexpected or downright mortifying moments are almost unavoidable.” Luckily, you can bounce back from these embarrassing incidents. Rather than pretending these moments don’t happen, we want to talk about them. Here are five embarrassing things that can occur during sex, plus tips on how to recover if they happen to you.
1. Weird noises
Bodies make noise; that’s just a fact. If your (or your partner’s!) body emits an embarrassing sound during sex, there’s no need to feel mortified. “It’s dangerous to take sex too seriously,” says Solot. “The best solution is to laugh and keep a sense of humor. If you smile and say, ‘Oh my gosh, that was so embarrassing!’ chances are your partner will laugh, too. It might even draw you closer!” In the moment, it might feel like the biggest deal—but you’ll forget about it quickly, and maybe even laugh about it later!
Falling off the bed, hitting your head on the wall…we’ve all been there. The same advice applies here. “If something goes wrong, your best bet is to laugh and acknowledge it,” says Solot. “Pretending all is well—when it’s obviously not—sets the stage for major awkwardness. But if you can laugh together, moments like these become just part of the fun.” If your partner makes a big deal about it, they’re probably not someone you want to spend time with, anyway.
One collegiette shares her hook up horror story: “I was hooking up with a guy in his car, and suddenly something tasted salty…so I pulled away and he looked down on me horrified and said, ‘Oh my god you're bleeding.’ I thought I had gotten my period or something but I had a bloody nose! It was all over my face, my body, his body and face. I sat there naked while he wiped it off me then got dressed and went home. He asked if we could continue, so he really wasn't rattled, but I was. I apologized profusely but he never really seemed to care.”
Just remember, it’s not your fault if something like this happens. And again, the way your partner handles the situation says a lot about him or her as a person. Once you’ve acknowledged the awkwardness, Solot suggests making a plan “for how to avoid the same pitfall in the future.” It’s as simple as saying, “Maybe we used a little too much lube that time,” or “Maybe we need to be more aware about staying more toward the middle of the bed." Life is a learning experience, after all!
4. Orgasms coming too early, too late or not at all
Unfortunately, orgasms don’t always happen at the right time—or even at all. Climaxing before you or your partner would like is a relatively common occurrence. If your partner comes too soon, but you want to keep going, Solot suggests saying, “No big deal, but don’t leave me hanging!” She also recommends helping them “find other ways to help you: mouth, fingers, sex toys or making out with you while your own fingers carry you to orgasm-land.”
If your partner is taking a while to orgasm, ask them to change it up. You can suggest a new position or approach that may work better. If you’re starting to feel sore, let them know, and reassure them that it’s no big deal if it doesn’t happen for one or both of you this time.
In the case that your male partner can’t come at all, Solot says, “This is more common than you’d think! Often men who have trouble reaching orgasm are the best, most attentive partners you’ll ever find. Guys like this often need permission to be a little selfish and focus on their own pleasure some of the time. If you suspect your partner is embarrassed, reassure them that it’s no big deal, and move on.”
Finally, if you can’t reach orgasm while you’re with your partner, Solot suggest trying one or more of the following:
Like Solot says, “Bodies aren’t machines. Penises, clitorises and vaginas don’t work exactly the way we want them to every time. We all need to be gentle with ourselves and our partners, be willing to shrug and try again next time.” Sometimes our bodies have minds of their own (so to speak). Just remember—there’s always tomorrow!
5. Discussing safe sex
While this shouldn’t feel embarrassing, sometimes these topics are difficult to approach—especially for the first time or with a new partner. “A lot of times there are things both partners want to discuss but neither one knows how to bring it up,” says Solot. “Women should feel totally comfortable asking at the key moment, ‘Do you have a condom with you, or should I pull one out?’” Still feeling shy? “Sometimes it helps to start off with, ‘Okay, this is really awkward, but I know we’re supposed to [talk about STIs, check in about condoms etc.],’” says Solot. “You’d be surprised how often your partner will be relieved if you take a deep breath and get the conversation started!” Having the conversation beforehand can prevent problems down the road. So even though you may be embarrassed, it’s worth it in the long run!
Related: 7 Myths About Safe Sex, Debunked
Sex is not without its embarrassing moments, but it’s all part of the fun. If something awkward happens while you’re hooking up, don’t take it too seriously. Laugh it off, and your partner will too. Have fun and be safe, collegiettes!
Dating is exhausting, pretty much regardless of whether you find romantic success or not. With everything else going on in our lives, devoting time to meeting and pursuing new people, be they for long-term commitment or fling reasons, can get tough.
Added to that is the fact that people aren’t usually giving you the truest version of themselves when you’re in the early stages of dating (we all do it — it’s okay!). It can be hard to detect whether someone is worth your time or not, so we polled some expert collegiettes for their takes on which traits are red flags in a romantic partner and which you can give another chance. Read on for their tips!
1. They mansplain to you
People can be hard to read in dating situations, but there are some clear tells that someone is way more into themselves than they are into you — don’t waste your time here! There are several indicators that a person doesn’t have a genuine interest in getting to know you.
“One I've experienced is them trying their hardest to relate to your interests/hobbies,” says Veronika Potylitsina, a senior at the University of Toronto. “For example, I'm actually, really interested in architecture and they try to make things up about what they know about the thing that are obviously wrong.” Classic case of a man thinking he knows more about your topics of interest than you do yourself.
Mansplaining is about the least sexy/appealing/acceptable thing that happens in the realm of dating, so don’t let anyone mess around with you like that. You have every right to drop them (and give them a lecture on the real facts as well as why they don’t need to overcompensate and patronize you by trying to show you up on your own knowledge).
2. They’re overly attached or jealous
Clinginess, especially in the early stages of dating, is super disconcerting. You don’t want them to be dependent on you from the get go!
“If they're moving too quickly, that's another red flag — overattachment is often a little troublesome if you're just getting to know them,” says Rachna Shah, a freshman at Dartmouth College. They don’t know you like that.
Jealous behavior takes this unhealthy attachment a step further. “If a no-strings-attached type relationship has been established yet he gets obviously jealous when you talk about other people/guys to him (such as abrupt end of conversation, trying to immediately hang out with you, trying to ‘one-up’ the person, etc), that's also a red flag,” Veronika says.
“Being possessive is not part of the deal and should be addressed immediately,” she adds. No matter the stage of the fling or relationship, jealousy is toxic and can lead to unsafe situations.
Flakiness, even when it comes to a fling, is more than just annoying — it’s a deliberate disrespecting of you and your time.
“One of the biggest red flags is when the person acts in a manner best described as flaky,” Rachna says. “They talk to you when they want to, but as soon as one of their friends shows up, they ditch you.” If it’s a repeated pattern, you’re better off without them. Like we said earlier, you’re busy!
4. It's all about them
Regardless of the seriousness of the relationship, both parties should be committed to reciprocality at the very least. “I dated a guy who always managed to turn the conversation around to interest him or make it about him, says Tiara Curow, a senior at Central Washington University. “I could bring up a topic and he would give me his side but wouldn’t ask me about mine, or if I brought up something that he wasn’t interested he would blatantly ignore it and start talking about himself or whatever he was doing.”
If they can't handle a two-way conversation, it's not likely to make for a good relationship. “The biggest red flag is when a guy won’t stop talking about himself or always keeps things superficial,” Tiara says. “I was dating a guy for two months and we had no problems discussing what my major is or my favorite food but when it came to my family or anything slightly personal he was not interested.”
Getting to know people is hard work, and if you’re invested, they should be too. “I think this shows that the person really isn’t interested in getting to know you or doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere,” Tiara says. Next!
5. They don’t take anything seriously
Sure, a fling is a fling, but if your relationship is moving to the next level and they are noncommittal or don't take you or your relationship seriously, that's probably not a good sign. “I once went out with a guy who was a fun, go with the flow type of person,” says Morgan Mullings, a sophomore at St. John’s University. “While there's nothing wrong with this, when things got serious he avoided any serious topics or conversation!”
If you're not comfortable with their aversion towards real talk, steer clear. “There's a time and place for EVERYTHING, and if he can't handle talking about something a little tough, that's a huge red flag,” Morgan says. There's a difference between wanting to have fun and being a 12-year-old inside the body of a 20-something!
Second chance traits
1. Lifestyle differences or personal preferences
Just because you don’t have everything in common and don’t love all the same things doesn’t mean you won’t get along or last. These differences could potentially make your relationship even stronger in the long run! You’ll fill in one another’s gaps.
For example, you might be a vegetarian and they might be a hard core meat eater. It doesn’t mean it isn’t meant to be, it just means that you have an opportunity to have some interesting conversations with one another about these sorts of things! If the chemistry and interest is there, you can absolutely make it work.
2. Things about them others don’t like
Pretty much any outside advice about a romance should be taken with a grain of salt. After all, the person giving the advice is probably not one of the people involved in the romance itself, so they can only understand what’s going on to a certain degree!
It’s one thing if other people in your life have genuine concerns about your health or safety when you’re seeing a person, but just because your SO’s personality doesn’t match with your friends’ or family’s doesn’t mean they’re wrong for you. “I would recommend enduring through...family and friends [who] don't initially approve of your SO (and vice versa!),” says Rachna. They’re your SO, not your family’s or friends’!
3. They’re close with their family
It can be unattractive if someone talks about their family a lot, much less spends a great deal of time with or talking to their family members. Aren’t we supposed to be flourishing in our independence? You might be that way, but just remember that that may not be the case for everyone.
“I once went out with a guy who called his mom and talked about her literally all the time,” Morgan says. “This was off putting at first because I was like, ‘Are you dating me or your mom?’” A classic conundrum.
Closeness with a parent or other family member that you aren’t used to shouldn’t send you running for the hills, though. “But later on it wasn't as frequent and I realized they just have a very good relationship,” Morgan says. “And that actually makes him a better person to date.” Hopefully that bond means they’re more grounded and have good priorities. And if they’re sharing details about their other close relationships with you, that’s gotta be a good sign!
4. They overshare
This is the contrast to guys who are super into themselves. Oversharing might be too much or even seem a little creepy, but (hopefully) it's just an indicator that they're comfortable with you!
“Most of the time, the guy is just really excited to tell you about his life and share the things that he enjoys and can get a little carried away,” says Charlee Hrubesky, a sophomore at Indiana University. “I like guys who share their lives with me, even if they like to share a lot at one time.” You are supposed to be getting to know each other, after all.
A healthy amount of pickiness is good — you shouldn’t have to settle — but you could also miss out on someone really great if you discount them based on something that might not actually be too big of a deal.
So you’re dating someone new, and it’s finally gotten serious enough that you’re going to introduce them to your parents. What could go wrong? You’re getting together a group of people that you care for deeply, so how could they not click? Or so you thought. Turns out, your parents don’t like your SO one bit. What do you do? How can you choose between your parents and the person you’re in a relationship with?
There is a large variety of reasons that your parents may dislike or not approve of your SO. Maybe they’d rather you be with someone else, maybe they don’t agree with their politics, maybe they think they’re out of your age range or maybe they even look down on some part of their identity.
These obstacles can be difficult to overcome, especially when there are so many complicated relationships and feelings involved. We reached out to Rhonda Ricardo, author and romance expert, and Lesli Doares, licensed marriage therapist and relationship coach, for their expert takes on how to deal with parents who don’t like your SO, in addition to getting some collegiette words of wisdom.
1. Be as upfront and mature as possible
It’s always easier to completely avoid a tense situation, particularly when your own or others’ feelings are involved. This may seem like a good solution, but it is only a temporary fix, if even a fix at all. You are far better off confronting the issues and emotions that are coming up head on.
Doares says that we have to be willing to approach the situation maturely and “be careful that we’re not reverting to the spoiled 3-year-old or rebellious 14-year-old.” Especially in situations that involve our families, we can become so entangled in a given state that we forget to step back and look at the events from a level-headed standpoint.
This same level of maturity has to be expected from all of the parties involved. U’ilani Lishman, senior at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, says that when her boyfriend and parents experienced a bump in the road, her boyfriend “put in an effort to fix what he had done...he was respectful...When I said I needed space, or my family told him to stay away, he did it.” If your significant other can’t compromise and understand that this kind of situation takes time, it’s going to be impossible to resolve your problems.
2. Hear everyone out
It could very well be the case that your parents are worried about your SO for good reason. Even if they aren’t, it is still necessary that you let them express what they are feeling in an effort to address and remedy the disconnect they feel from your SO. As Ricardo states, issues can arise when a “couple does not take the time to prove that the parents can be comfortable with the SO, so the parents worry (and therefore intrude).” These matters take a little extra work, but giving everyone the time and space they need to work through them will help foster stronger relationships.
Again, actively listening and attempting to empathize with everyone involved is necessary for you, your significant other and your parents. U’ilani adds that “when you really love someone, you need to respect their family and their family’s wishes.” If your SO really wants to be with you, they have to understand that your family is a priority and that their opinions do matter.
According to U’ilani, relationships work best when individuals “respect the other person’s wishes and do [their] best to work towards showing them [they] are a respectful significant other.” This ensures that everyone is on equal footing and can expect fair, thoughtful treatment.
Doares suggests that you “listen as open-mindedly as you can to your parents’ position…[your] parents do know something about somethings.” Take into account that their worries are likely from a place of pure love for you, and that they may even be valid. This is why it’s crucial to take stock of all of the separate emotions at work.
3. Establish boundaries
After you’ve come to an understanding about how exactly your parents and SO feel about each other, it is now time to set up clear boundaries delineating how all of the relations at hand are going to function. Make it clear to those involved that their feelings and wishes are respected, but you are the one who is going to be making your own decisions.
Doares recommends asking yourself if this is “odd behavior on your parents’ part, or [if this is] part of a pattern of the way that they deal with you.” If this is a recurring issue, it is probably time to tell your parents that you are past the point of needing their guidance on every move you make. You are an adult, and you are most definitely going to make mistakes, but it is your life and they are yours to make.
Doares adds that “it’s a sign of maturity to make your own decision about how you want to move forward.” Not only will this uplift your own confidence in yourself, it will show to your parents that you are competent and that they have successfully given you the ability to make decisions wisely.
4. Know that you don’t have to choose
Healthy relationships shouldn’t involve ultimatums or cutting ties with anyone. If your parents and your SO truly care for you, they won’t force you to do either of these things. Once again, it may seem easier to choose sides and avoid confronting or mediating a tough situation, but if you want to sustain the connections with the people in your life, you have to work things out.
This might be the first serious conflict you have faced with your parents as an adult. Your life might even still be funded by your parents, though you aren’t living at home. This nuanced circumstance means that you have to be extra careful when going against your parents' desires. Doares says, “If you can approach your parents as an adult who has their own...who owns their own feelings and desires as opposed to ‘I want your approval,’” you are likely to have more success. Make your feelings, intentions and independence clear.
Ricardo says that a “couple must treat each other’s parents with the same kindnesses.” As long as this is how you’re operating, you can rest assured that everyone will remain happy and that your parents will come to understand what you like so much about your SO, too! This was the case for U’ilani, whose parents came to like her boyfriend so much that “they keep telling [her] not to screw it up!”
5. Remember it’s a process
Like any other problem you’ll face in life, it’s unlikely it will go away overnight. Families and romantic relationships can be extraordinarily contentious, so when you put the two together, things get even stickier. Just remember to maintain your level-headedness, check in with yourself and don’t be afraid to make difficult decisions.
The issues you confront, be them with your family, your relationships or elsewhere in your life, will only make you stronger and wiser. Doares says we need to “understand that it’s a learning process and mistakes are going to get made.” If you tackle these difficulties in healthy, productive ways, they will also get easier and easier to deal with!
Doares also emphasizes that you need to “be gentle with yourself, your significant other and possibly your parents.” Feelings might get hurt, and this is unfortunate, but it’s also a fact of life. As long as no one is overtly attempting to hurt or sabotage anyone else, some hurt feelings are perfectly okay. It will all pay off in the long term, when you and your parents and your significant other have made it over the hurdles and can laugh about them together!
You're at this frat party (isn't that how it always starts?) and you meet this guy (or girl), and you totally hit it off. Maybe you smile from across the room or a friend introduces you, and you're actually really into each other. Whether it happens that night or later in the week after ~that~ late-night text, the two of you hook up—and it's probably just a one-time thing. Here are 27 thoughts every girl has during a one-night stand.
1. YES, it's happening
I need this in my life.
2. Wait, I can't do this
Me and social situations? I'm going to be so awkward.
3. Where should we go?
Nothing says romantic like the upstairs of a frat house.
4. This room is a MESS
5. Did I shave?
6. Please let him have a condom
Because I sure as hell didn't bring one.
7. What if he wants to do something freaky?
Not sure I'm down for that.
8. Is he going to talk a lot?
Although it's good to talk, it might kill the mood.
9. Okay, this is going better than expected
10. Where did he learn how to do that?
Probably porn…or an ex.
11. Did his roommate just get home?
12. I wonder what my friends are doing
Probably debating what to post on Instagram.
13. Okay, wait…I need to focus on this
We're both really into this!!
14. What does he want me to do?
Is he into noises?!
15. Okay, my turn plz
TY very much.
16. That was quick
Guess it's over?
17. Of COURSE he fell asleep
18. Uhhh, I guess I'll just stay the night?
The classic dilemma.
19. Gotta update the group chat RN
I know they're living for this.
20. Need. Food. Now.
Where the pretzels at?
21. Uh, there's no toilet paper
22. What about a phone charger?
Hook a girl up.
23. This is seriously going to mess up my skin care regimen
What do you mean he doesn't have Neutrogena wipes?
24. I miss my bed
But this will have to do.
25. *replays night in head*
I'm testing out my first name with his last name in case it works out lol.
26. How should I describe him to my BFF?
27. One week later:
So first of all, congratulations on not being single. Secondly, congratulations on playing yourself. Relationships are really hard without having to put parents into the mix, but they’ll have to meet eventually, right? So, the real question is WHEN should your SO and parents meet? The answer is difficult. There are so many factors to consider. Thinking about these several conditions will help you determine when the right time will be.
1. It’s been a good deal of time
Your one-night Tinder fling is definitely not bring-home-to-meet-your-dad material. Have you not seen the “She calls me daddy too” memes? Taking some time in the relationship and making sure everything is solid is a pretty good step into having your SO meet your parents. Otherwise, how do you expect to answer all those awkward questions your parents will throw at you about your SO?
Amanda Goecke, a junior at Carthage College, waited until her and her boyfriend were official to have him meet her parents.
“We had talked and hung out and were basically dating for about six months before making it official and my parents were aware of him the whole time, so I personally felt at that time it was appropriate for them to meet,” Amanda says. “I think it ranges from couple to couple but I had been dying for them to meet right away!”
It’s imperative to know that the relationship is meant to last before you take the plunge into having them meet your parents.
2. You feel comfortable with the person
Embarrassing stories from your childhood are sure to ensue. Make sure you and your bae are comfortable with each other enough to handle that story about that one time you pooped your pants during a family trip. (I WAS 3-YEARS-OLD, MOM.)
How do you know when you’re comfortable with your SO? Well, it depends on the person. One way to know is when you do something that others may find embarrassing, yet both of you manage to laugh about it without feeling humiliated. Light saber battles in the middle of Target is the most optimal test.
3. You’re sure it's serious
You can be with a person for months, but at the end, both of you know the relationship probably won’t survive a year. Relationships like these are definitely not the ones you want to show to your parents. If the only connection you have with the person is sex, there’s no way your parents can see what you see in your SO. Choose a person you see spending the rest of your life with, not just a relationship you have during summer semester because all your friends are gone and you feel lonely.
Emily Schmidt, a Stanford University freshman, has been dating her SO for three months, but she hasn’t introduced him to her parents.
“My SO and I have been dating for about three months now and we will be doing long-distance over the summer while he studies abroad in Chile,” she says. “I think I want to introduce him to my parents once I know we can overcome the distance obstacle."
Making sure your SO will be there for you no matter what is super important. The test of distance away from each other is the best variable to see if your SO is meant to stay forever. Emily’s tactic is a sure-fire way to figure out if her SO is parent-meeting material.
3. Things went well when they met your friends
Having your SO meet your friends first is a low-stakes trial run before having them meet your parents. If your bae and friends had an awkward first encounter, expect the same with your parents. However, there are rare cases where the friend meeting didn’t go well, but your SO really hit it off with your parents. If that’s the case, just make sure it wasn’t a one-time deal, and try hanging out with your parents more. See how they’d react to your SO after a certain amount of time together.
Sorry to disappoint, but there’s never a “right” time for your SO to meet the folks. Everyone is different, and they all have their own individual “right time.” You’ll always feel like your parents deserve to meet Prince Harry instead of some guy you just met through OkCupid. But believe me, once you see your bae as your very own Prince Charming, having him meet the parentals will be a breeze.
Oh, the infamous fuckboi. We wish we could tell you that they’re easy to spot; that they all wear the same Adidas sandals or share a similar hairstyle. Unfortunately for us, the fuckboi is a master of camouflage. It knows how to blend into its surroundings, tricking us into thinking that it’s just a regular “nice” guy, when it’s actually a venomous creature who, before we know it, will end up sleeping with the next girl that walks by. Never fear, collegiettes! We’ve compiled a list of red flags to help you spot them in their natural habitat before it’s too late.
You know he’s fuckboi if…
He has no respect for women
The fuckboi is composed of white male privilege with just a sprinkle of misogyny. He has no respect for women unless it’s physically. If he gives you a compliment, it’s going to be about your appearance, because he’s more interested in your body than your brains. Other than that, he has no regard for your personal strengths and talents as a woman. Aside from disrespecting you, he also has no respect for other women. If you notice him talking down to your friends, bashing on his mom or being rude to a waitress, it’s a sure sign that he’s a problem.
“This guy really wanted to date me,” says Amanda, a junior at Fairfield University. “But whenever I went out with him, I noticed that he was rude to so many women that wouldn’t be considered stereotypically ‘hot.’ He would be super sweet to my blonde, leggy friends and total trash to my friends that were bookish. The same went for women in retail stores or the service industry. It revealed a lot about his character!”
Ladies, if a man is ever judgmental and sexist, you turn the other way and run. A suitable partner is going to have a kind nature and a genuine interest in who you are as a person. Your relationship #goals are not going to involve a fuckboi.
His ego is enormous
You’re probably familiar with the many Instagram mirror selfies of his abs. His favorite conversation topics are bragging about sex or getting drunk. He always looks like he spent more time on his hair than you did. Basically, it’s easy to tell that the fuckboi is all about himself.
“This fuck boy was just so convinced I was in love with him, and we’d never even dated or hooked up,” says Amanda, a sophomore at Marymount University. "He just assumed that everybody thought he was the shit. Goes to show you that fuck boys have the BIGGEST egos.”
It’s pretty common for fuckbois to have an inflated image of just how amazing they are, which is why they end up taking advantage of people. Remember everyone, there is an ocean of difference between being confident and flat out pretentious, and it’s the pretentious ones we want to avoid like the plague.
He does whatever it takes to benefit himself
While he may not be familiar with the concept of hard work, he’s definitely worked hard to make sure that everything goes exactly the way he wants. In his entitled mindset he’s convinced himself he automatically deserves the very best of everything. You said no to meeting up at 2 a.m.? He’ll guilt trip you into it. He’s making a huge mess of his future? Don’t worry, he’ll leave it to his parents to take care of. He’s the master manipulator of life to ensure that he’s consistently successful and popular.
However, the fuckboi is also incredibly fragile. While he may be quick step on people for his happiness, when something doesn’t go his way, he just can’t deal. He will play the victim card, manipulate and seduce his way back to the top of the food chain. Beware, you may be just another pawn in the way of his goals (aka sex, and maybe some wealth and popularity).
His number one priority is sex
You can often find him leering at women. He’ll promise you more and make you feel special, but the fuckboi is strictly into sexual relationships. If he gives you affection it’s only to get pics or a hook-up, and even if your fling ends he will always come crawling back to you whenever he’s horny AF. Not to mention this guy probably has multiple baes and a dating app on his phone.
“A boy that I had been hooking up with for a while brought me back to his room when I got sick one night,” says Emily* a junior at Northwestern University. “Then, once I had passed out, he invited another girl over and they hooked up while I was sleeping on the couch in the same room.”
This is definitely the telltale sign that someone is the ultimate fuckboi. While women are happy, sexual creatures too, these guys take it way too far and make sex into blatant objectification. Avoid sleeping with him, since you’ll just be another woman on the long list who's made that mistake.
Here’s how to deal
This type of guy clearly has an allure since so many women continually fall for him. The signs above may be harder to detect until you’ve actually hooked up with or spent time around him, but if you ask around or even do some social media stalking, his fixation with sex and his inflated ego will soon become obvious. You’re smart, and even his subtle and immediately noticeable flaws or womanizing reputation are a greater hint at the truth you already know: he’s a fuckboi. He will try to charm you with kind words, taking you out, telling you he’s different and acting really fun to be around. Be speculative about the pretty face he puts on.
Don’t feel bad for him. “Fuckboi” may be a pretty harsh word to slam guys with, but there shouldn’t be sympathy for men who walk all over people for sex and personal benefit. The fuckboi is immature and misogynistic, and a complete waste of your time.
Don’t give into his charms. He knows how to be charismatic and endearing, and that’s why the plague of this type of man is currently upon us. Without setting him off, you can distance yourself. You don’t need to answer his texts or sexual solicitations. Don’t get caught up in thinking you can “change” him. No need to check in on him every once in a while to make sure you guys are still “cool.” In fact, you don’t even need to try to be his friend, because that puts you in a position to be taken advantage of. Avoid him all together—it’s for the best. We cannot let the fuckboi be the new romance of our generation.
*Name has been changed
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
By Lauren Lesser
You’re a twenty-something college student, survive day-to-day on tequila and midnight pizza rolls and only need three hours of sleep to be functional in your 8 a.m. class. You’re single. You’re hot. And you’re getting crude sexts from the guy down the hall after Wednesday karaoke nights.
And somehow that’s the societal norm that we as strong, beautiful females, are supposed to be okay with.
Truth be told, sometimes it’s enough—the late night booty calls and make out sessions at the bar aren’t all that bad. Many times it’s fun. Sophomore year me would fall asleep with a bottle of Jose in her hand and had half a dozen guys on 2 a.m. speed dial. But it’s okay to want more. It’s okay to want something more significant than a quickie between classes or a drunken hookup in the bathroom stall at a college party. It’s okay.
I know it’s not easy. We live in a world where females are considered “crazy” when they “nag” a guy to commit to them. Women are known as “bitches” when they tell off the guy who has been stringing them along for weeks, sleeping with other girls in the meantime. And though we’re making progress by way of apps like Bumble who let the ladies chat first, it’s not uncommon for a gal to be thought of as “too aggressive” when she makes the first move—regardless of whether sex is involved or not. It can be hard to find something real in the midst of all it.
Now, I’m not trying to bash the male species—a far cry from it. Yeah, college guys can be idiots. We ladies can be, too. Stupid norms that we’ve found ourselves locked into make us think that we deserve nothing more. If Susie down the hall and Sally from your English class are having casual sex that doesn’t escalate to romance, why should you be any different, right? Why should you risk being seen as “that crazy girl” for being upset that Joe Shmoe doesn’t text you before midnight? Are you wrong for wanting an old-fashioned dinner and movie date?
Ladies, cut it out. You’re not crazy. You’re not a bitch. You’re not too aggressive. If you want to have a no-strings-attached, sex-filled relationship—you go girl! But if you’ve done casual and want a real date and a mush-filled relationship—go you, too! And if the guy you’ve been seeing isn’t into that, then you just haven’t found the right one.
I wish I knew all that after my first…or second…or third college heartbreak. I wish I knew that I am enough, that I am more than enough. And wanting something a little deeper than Saturday night fun is okay.
Don’t settle. Keep your chin up. It’s not your fault.
Sex can become a regular part of anyone’s life. It can even be seen as routine and the thing about routines is that they can get boring. If you feel like your sex life is lackluster or something is missing, you and your partner may not be doing everything you can to have great sex every time you’re in the act.
1. Get consent before, during and after
Talking to your partner before is definitely ideal (and we'll totally talk about that later on) but consent is one piece of communication that everyone should have before having sex. Asking your partner if they definitely want to have sex beforehand can be reassuring and get you both on the same level excitement if the answer is, "Yes" and will make everything more relaxed. But consent doesn't stop there, ask your partner if they are okay and still want to engage in sex while you're in the act.
Becky Chariton, a recent graduate of Temple University, says, "Asking your partner how they're feeling during sex and asking if everything is okay during sex can be hot. It definitely makes me feel better and more confident that the person I'm having sex with is making sure I'm still into it as much as they are."
They may not feel comfortable voicing their concerns or may feel afraid. Keep up the constant line of communication before, while in between the sheets and after so you know you're both consenting.
2. Make eye contact
Eyes are the windows to the soul! Eye contact during sex can really heat things up. It’s a nonverbal way of saying how much you’re enjoying being in bed with your partner and an opportunity to really connect with your partner.
Kaitlyn Suppes, a senior at the University of Wyoming, says, “Whether it’s during foreplay or sex, eye contact makes the experiences more intimate. Instead of staring at the wall or ceiling, make eye contact with your partner and tell them how much you're enjoying this shared experience with your eyes.”
Eye contact can help make sex more intimate and memorable. Try locking eyes with your partner the next time things get heated.
3. Communicate with your partner
Whether you read about a new position you want to try or if something is making you uncomfortable, one of the keys to having good sex is to talk to your partner.
“You have to understand what your partner likes and dislikes,” says Stephanie Murray, a junior at Savannah College of Art and Design. “You also have to have consent. Without communication you won't know what makes them happy; your partner's happiness should be your focus.”
Getting consent from your partner and talking to each other about what pleases them in bed will not only make sex a lot more fun, but it will create trust and openness between the two of you.
4. Always make sure there’s foreplay before sex
Whether your foreplay involves you two wearing costumes and taking on different personas or just consists of a passionate makeout session, it’s one of the most important parts of sex. Foreplay gets you in the mood to get down to business and makes sex more passionate.
“I think there should always be foreplay before sex, Juliana Collins, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, says. “For men, it’s really important to understand that foreplay for a woman will only benefit them more in the long run. It will only make sex more enjoyable.”
Experiment with different types of foreplay and see what works for you and your partner. Even if it’s a random hookup, make sure you and your body are in the mood to have sex by insisting on foreplay.
5. Talk about fantasies and fetishes before sex
We all have fantasies about things we want to try in bed, but like we said before, communication is key. Trying to act out a random fantasy in bed before talking about it can lead to some awkward or weird mishaps.
Abby Devore, a senior at Temple University, says, “Vocalize fetishes and fantasies before just doing it. It will end up being a lot more enjoyable for the both of you.”
So, if you want to tie your partner up or try a seemingly crazy position, talk about your idea beforehand in order to have the best sex and to live out the fantasies in your head.
6. Try toys
There are sex toys for every type of person out there, whether you’re with a partner or by yourself. Bringing toys into the bedroom can be the answer to spicing up boring sex or can make sex a special occasion.
“If you haven't used toys before, or are with a new partner, start with something small,” Kaitlyn says. “A clitoral stimulator or a cock ring are great starting points for adding a little more pleasure to sex without making you or your partner feel overwhelmed.”
You and your partner can both get pleasure from sex toys and finding out what’s missing from the bedroom can be your starting point. Whether it’s a fetish, a fantasy or certain pleasure you’re craving, sex toys can definitely help.
Sex should always be consensual, fun and an opportunity for you to get closer to your partner. If you find that sex is becoming boring and you’re not satisfied when it’s over, focus on what you can change. Sex can sometimes become routine, but now you have all of the tools to constantly have great sex.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
By Adrianna Michell
The first time I faked an orgasm, I didn’t even mean to do it. It just slipped out in the same way I had slipped into my partner’s bed: by accident and fuelled by unfortunate self-loathing. My fake orgasm started with moans that didn’t reflect pleasure I actually felt. My "climax" ended in conversations of, “Was it good for you?” and “Did you finish?” to which I responded, “Yes.”
Every time I had sex with this partner, it was uncomfortable and I let out a few half-committed sighs to tell them I was ready to finish up the sexual encounter. I lied and I did it with one bra strap already on, so I could flee out of the bedroom as quickly as possible.
I normalized my lies. I told myself that this is just what girls are supposed to do. Sex isn’t supposed to be pleasurable early on. I positioned myself in a way that hid my body and reflected what I thought sex was supposed to be: missionary. All the sexual imagery I had seen—pictures, movies and music videos—showed me this single way of having sex, so I normalized that, too. I insisted upon it, and I was left unsatisfied.
Eventually, I realized that faking my orgasm wasn’t just a result of uncomfortable sex with an incompatible partner (although that definitely was a part of it). I had rationalized somewhere inside my brain that I didn’t need to be satisfied sexually. I put the needs of another person before my own because I didn’t think I was deserving—I thought this man was more entitled to receiving sexual pleasure than I was. After speaking to female-identifying friends, I noticed that at least within my group, women were positioned as givers and men as receivers.
I didn’t want to receive head. I didn’t want a face in between the thighs that I felt so much shame for. I didn’t want anyone to be so close to me, to have that much power over me. It was simultaneously a way of maintaining some sort of control, and a way of punishing myself and denying myself pleasure. The self-loathing I had grown up with manifested itself in rejecting both my body as something that should be admired, and my pleasure as something that should be valued.
So now, I’m making a pledge to no longer fake my orgasms. I mean, I was never really good at it anyway. So I’m letting go of the comfort blanket of conformity. I’m recognizing the different images, iterations and identities that sex can be made up of.
From now on, if I am going to have sex with someone, I will allow myself to be satisfied. I won’t be complicit in my own dissatisfaction. I will satisfy and be satisfied, and fuck until I am sweaty and content. No more fake moans. I promise, from here on out, I won’t “fake it ‘til I make it.” Instead, I’ll make it happen. I won’t have sex with a person if I don’t trust them or feel self-conscious.
The point is, I worked toward being comfortable enough with my body and my sexuality that I came to a place where I could demand that I orgasm. I spoke to friends that I trusted and had similar experiences to. I had frank discussions with myself and realized I needed to get an orgasm (and hey, I masturbated a little, too). From now on, it’s orgasm or bust, I pinkie promise.
You’ve dated the girl who has six ex-boyfriends and spent approximately three seconds on the market, but it’s time to give the single girl a chance. It might not seem like it, but in reality the single girl is the perfect relationship girl. She's spent time learning about herself, her goals and what she wants. We decided to create a list of all the reasons why she's totally relationship material.
1. She’s independent
A single girl is an independent girl. She can survive on her own and actually kinda loves being in charge.
2. She won’t make you pick where to eat
You will never have to worry about that annoying situation when you spend three hours trying to decide where to eat because no one can make a decision; she knows what she likes.
3. She’s patient
This is not a girl who fills her life with placeholder guys. She’s waited long enough for you and she can definitely use that patience in other aspects of her life.
4. No crazy ex's
Just think: no worrying about random ex's sending ominous texts at 1 a.m.
5. You don’t have to pay for everything
A single girl has her sh*t together. She’s a working woman who is fully able to support herself and won’t be mooching off of you for everything.
6. She's not clingy
There's no time for her to be clingy. She has her own life to worry about and plenty of stuff to keep herself busy.
7. There are no unrealistic expectations
You don’t need to worry about living up to the previous boyfriend who was in a rock band, volunteered at animal shelters and made his own wine. Literally just be yourself. Eat pizza with us and we’ll love you for it.
8. She doesn’t need you 24/7
She needs her own space. We’re used to being on our own and following our own schedule, so there isn’t any need to be attached at the hip.
9. You can have bro nights
Let’s be real, we need time with our girlfriends anyway, so we understand that you'll want to have a guy’s night. In fact, we encourage it.
10. She won't be settling
She's not single because guys run for the hills when they see her; she's single because she chooses to be. So if she's interested in dating you, then consider it a compliment.
11. She’s going somewhere
The single girl has a direction that she’s headed in. Whether it’s pursuing a career or a lifestyle, she has her own path and doesn’t need you to drag her along.
12. She won’t pry
She trusts you, so you don’t need to worry about her creeping through your phone or hacking into your Instagram. She wants her own space, and so do you.
13. She will be your biggest fan
She understands that you have aspirations, and she will support and cheer you on because she works hard to shape her own life and wants you to follow your passions too.
14. She's Fun
Wanna go hiking? Skiing? Traveling? Cliff jumping? She's so down, in fact, she has a few ideas of her own…
15. You’ll have time to miss her
The perpetually single girl is busy and doesn’t need you all the time. Without breathing on each other every minute of every day you’ll actually have a chance to miss her a little, and you know what they say: “distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
It doesn’t matter who you are, a breakup is a shitty experience for everyone. If only all of the negative feelings associated with your ex could just magically disappear—but, unfortunately, they can’t. There are many things you should do to help you heal from a breakup, and there are many things you shouldn’t do. What’s one of them? Gossiping about your ex.
No matter how much resentment you hold toward your ex, you should avoid speaking badly about them. If you’re wondering why, look no further! We’ve consulted April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert, to spill the truth on this unhealthy habit.
1. Your ex is your ex for a reason
You’ve heard it before, collegiettes—leave the past in the past! By gossiping about your ex, you are inadvertently carrying him or her into your future, and you cannot successfully move on this way.
Masini reiterates this point. “Bringing your ex back into your life by gossiping doesn’t help you move forward,” she says. “Start spending your energy on new, fresh, positive people and things. Let your ex fade into the background!” When a chapter in your life finishes, don’t keep rereading it. Move onto the next one (hint: it’s probably a better one, anyway)!
2. It is bad branding for yourself
You should always prioritize your relationships with other people, but never at the expense of your own reputation. After all, you’re stuck with yourself for life! When you gossip about an ex, not only are you hurting their image, but you are also hurting your own.
Think of yourself as a brand and this gossiping as bad branding. “When you gossip about anyone, you’re speaking ill of them,” Masini says. “That ends up making you look worse than anything bad you had to say about that ex. Do you really want to be a person who’s known for spreading negativity?” No matter how much this person might have hurt you, you can rise above the pain by acting mature.
3. You could be distorting the truth
If you’ve ever had a rumor spread about you, you know that it is usually based on a lie someone made up to hurt you. You also know how annoying it can be to get people to believe the truth! Why would you want to distort the truth for someone else? Trust us, it is not worth it.
“Gossip is at least once removed from the truth—and often twice, three times or more removed,” she says. “You know what happens when you whisper down the lane: you get a distorted truth. Chances are, the gossip you are spreading isn’t true.” Stop with the lies and get off the gossip train!
Additionally, when you gossip about your ex, you become part of the gossip about your ex. “The story will be told that YOU said such and such about your ex, and now you’re not just listening or telling gossip, you’re part of the story,” Masini says. Once again, you are hurting your own image.
4. It prevents you from actually feeling single
Think about it, ladies: how will you ever truly understand what it means to be single if you keep bringing up a previous relationship? Newsflash: you won’t.
By gossiping about an ex, you are engaging in his or her life. “In your mind, you’re back together in some form,” Masini says. “This keeps you from really feeling single and until you feel single, you can’t truly move on and find fresh, new love with someone else.” Stop the gossip and open your heart to someone new.
5. It can make things awkward
If you dated your ex for a long time, chances are you have mutual friends. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, don’t make it awkward for those people. Gossiping about your ex puts your friends in an uncomfortable position. No matter how much you dislike this person, it really isn’t fair to expect others to do the same.
For Kristen, a student at UNC Chapel Hill, speaking ill of your ex does nothing but foster bitterness. “Talking about your ex can be unappealing to people around you, and can make you look catty and spiteful,” she says. “If you and your ex have mutual friends, it may put them in an awkward position.” Just because you aren’t friends with your ex does not mean you have to have bad blood.
Rachel Petty, a senior at James Madison University, feels similarly. “My ex and I are in the same friend group, so anything either of us says is bound to get back to the other,” she says. “Also, we used to be super close and still care about each other, so there’s no reason to throw around negativity!” We could not agree more.
A breakup will never ever be an enjoyable experience, collegiettes. No matter how hurt you may feel, keep this in mind and understand that better days are ahead. But, the only way to get to the good days is to let go of the bad days. You’re too good to be wasting your time gossiping about your ex, so just don’t do it!
We have preferences for just about everything in life—pizza toppings, music genres, brands of toothpaste, types of milk—but when it comes to how we want to receive love (aka how we want other people to show they love us), the options may not always seem as crystal clear as skim, soy, cashew or almond.
It’s one thing to talk with our partners about what candies we like on our froyo or which Netflix movies are our favorites, but talking about how we both want to show or receive love isn’t exactly casual conversation. However, when we don’t talk about the things we wish they’d say or do more often (or less often), the relationship can easily spiral into a passive aggressive mess.
But, wait—are we supposed to automatically know how we want to be showered with love? Or even give love, for that matter?
The solution? Understanding the different languages for how we all express and receive love. According to relationship expert Gary Chapman, who wrote “Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” there are five different “languages” of expressing love to someone. Chapman believes that by discovering which language speaks to you, you can find out what makes you feel the most fulfilled and happy. Additionally, by learning your partner’s love language, you can understand their preferences and better cater to their needs.
If you think you’ve taken every type of personality quiz on the planet (or BuzzFeed), think again. Inspired by Chapman’s book, the Five Love Languages Quiz is a love life game-changer; by filling out the simple questionnaire, you can learn exactly how you understand the language of love, giving you crazy insights into what you want in a relationship. The quiz results rank your love language preferences from strongest to weakest, and a video on the site even illustrates visually how each language can be expressed.
Check out these descriptions of each love language:
Words of Affirmation
For you, it's all about talking the talk. If this is your language, you think it's most meaningful when your loved ones compliment you and tell you not only that they appreciate you, but why they love you and think you're so special. You're also not one to easily forget insults or negative comments.
Acts of Service
You're the kind of person who feels most loved when someone close to you helps out with responsibilities and chores that consume your time and energy. Whether your SO lends a hand with the laundry or helps with a project without being asked, acts of service give you major heart-eyed emoji feels. On the other hand, you'll be pretty crushed if your partner is lazy or backs out of commitments.
For you, receiving a thoughtful gift shows that your partner knows you inside and out. You value gift-giving, as well as any sacrifices that went into the experience of presenting the gift. This also means you value relationship milestones, and you'd have a hard time shaking off a forgotten anniversary, birthday or thoughtless gift.
You're happiest when you and your SO get to spend time together—just the two of you. In your opinion, the ultimate grand gesture is when someone you love carves out time to see you outside of noisy restaurants or bars, crowded gatherings or big parties with other people. And if someone bails on plans or is constantly more interested in their phone than in what you have to say, it's over.
Hugging, holding hands with someone you love and meaningful touches on your arm, shoulder or face mean the world to you. If this is your language, you feel most loved when you are physically close with your SO. Likewise, you'd be crushed if you felt neglected or ignored by your partner.
These descriptions may sound like they came straight from an overly cheesy anniversary card, or they may just seem obvious. (I mean, who doesn’t want their partner—or anyone else for that matter—to do the dishes for them?) However, by knowing the love language of you and your partner, you gain insight into how you want to receive love and how you can best show your special someone that you appreciate them.
According to Cosmopolitan, it’s important to address the fact that you receive love in a way that might be different than how your partner receives love, and the Five Love Languages Quiz is a surefire way to confirm your love-receiving preferences.
So, once you know your language, how can you put it to use? We talked to a dating expert and a number of collegiettes who swear by love languages to resolve conflicts and enhance their relationships.
1. You’ll find out what makes your partner happy
Once you know your partner’s love language, you can start making more of an effort to show them affection based on their preferences—and this will undoubtedly bring the two of you closer and show that you care about what makes them happy.
Devin O’Connell, a University of Florida senior, says that she and her boyfriend have been dating for almost two years, and that knowing each other’s love language has enhanced their relationship by allowing them to understand each other’s preferences. “In the very beginning, I told him that 'Quality Time' is my love language,” the 21-year-old says. “Through that, he always makes an effort to spend time with me, even if it’s just seeing each other for 10 minutes a day.”
The act of taking the quiz with your partner, or even suggesting that he or she take the quiz, shows that you are interested in finding the best way to love them—and that is pretty valuable in and of itself.
“If you can find out the best way to love your partner, I think that’s very special and shows that you really care about that person,” Devin says.
If your partner is a “Words of Affirmation" person, you can show them love by complimenting them, telling them you’re proud of them for something they accomplished, or that you love that they’re so passionate about a project they’re working on. If they speak the “Acts of Service” language, you can lend a hand with a task they’re dreading or offer to help with small but meaningful chores; this will really show them that you care about making them feel loved and fulfilled.
2. You can learn a lot from your ‘secondary’ languages
The Five Love Languages Quiz tells you more than just your primary love language; it ranks your other languages from strongest to weakest, which can offer valuable insights into what else you want from your partner and how much or how little each language matters to you when receiving love.
Marla Manes, a University of Florida junior, says that she learned a lot about herself just from discovering her secondary love languages.
“I already knew that my language would be ‘Physical Touch’ going into the quiz because I love hugging and cuddling and holding hands with anybody that I’m close with,” she says. “But the quiz gave me new insight into my secondary languages—the ones that I still value or use but at a lower level. Those results surprised me, but the more I thought about them, the more I considered the results to be true. It showed me my relationships in a new light.”
Manes says that she and her boyfriend have been dating for almost four months, and that taking the quiz side-by-side was a beneficial experience. “By taking it with a partner, you also learn about them and about your relationship,” she says. “We learned about what each of us value so that we can express our love effectively…all of the languages are valid, and I think it’s just another tool that you can use to strengthen your relationships.”
Love, like any emotion, is not always clear-cut. The love languages concept reflects this notion with the secondary languages, which represent nuances or “dialects” of how you want to be loved.
3. Discussing your love languages as a couple can help the two of you communicate better
Samantha Daniels, author of “Matchbook: The Diary of a Modern Day Matchmaker” and creator of the dating app “The Dating Lounge," says that discussing your love language with your partner is a simple but beneficial exercise that can make it easier to talk about your preferences.
“A lot of people have a hard time telling their partner that they wish they’d say ‘I love you’ more often than they do, or that they wish they’d show their appreciation in a different way because they’re not feeling loved,” Daniels says. “But having these set categories or ‘languages’ makes it easier for people to explain not only what they want from their partner, but how and why they feel connected to that type of language.”
Taking the love langauges quiz can spark an important dialogue between you and your SO and can make it easier to talk about other topics or issues that you may not have been as open to discussing previously.
4. Love languages can benefit other relationships in your life
Love languages are not limited to romantic relationships; discovering your language—and the languages of those around you—can make you a better friend, family member, roommate and team member.
“One night at dinner, a group of my friends took the quiz together and shared our results. It really made us such stronger friends because we’re able to know what the other ones need in order to feel that sense of belonging,” says Jacquelin Sheehan, a sophomore at the University of Florida. “I know one of my best friend’s is ‘Words of Affirmation,’ so I make sure to always tell her things I appreciate about her...because I know she’ll benefit more from it.”
Telling friends and other loved ones in your life about how you like to receive love—and taking the time to learn about their personalities and preferences—gives you more opportunities to show them that you care about them in a way that best suits their wants and needs.
So, the next time you feel misunderstood by your partner or feel as though you aren’t understanding what makes someone in your life happy, consider doing a little soul-searching and discovering your love language. Whether you appreciate a quality hug, a compliment, spending time with someone close to you, receiving a special gift, or getting help when you need it most—each language of love is special and valid.
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When it comes to falling in and out of love, it sometimes feels like you’re literally just falling for the same type of guy again and again…and again. If you’re the girl who gets out of a relationship that you know was wrong for you and begins fawning over the next wrong guy who comes your way, then you are a serial bad boy dater. You inevitably find yourself constantly going for the guy who is just like the last one, and thus are stuck in a never-ending circle of repeated relationships. But it isn’t always easy spotting your “bad boy” type. He can come in many forms, from basketball shorts and cutoffs to khakis and polos—this boy is versatile and not always easy to spot. So we’ve spoken to Dr. Carole Lieberman, Media Psychiatrist and bestselling author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them, as well as some collegiettes with first-hand experience to create a guide that will break your bad boy pattern.
1. Identify your bad boy type
Unfortunately, these boys have some sort of invisibility cloak that makes their not-so-good personalities stay hidden underneath a smile or six-pack or whatever it is that makes you swoon. The key to spotting one is recognizing some characteristics that blind you from seeing a less than perfect personality. Take the time to think about the traits that are truly important to you. Rock hard abs will eventually fade to flab, but a guy who can make you laugh will last forever.
Dr. Lieberman also suggests that “when you find yourself at a party or in class, checking out the guys, and one of them gets your attention, ask yourself why you’re attracted to him. Does he seem cocky or flirty or self-absorbed? Does he seem like the usual type you’re attracted to, who ends up breaking your heart? If he seems like a player and you find yourself wondering whether you could be the one to tame him, it is not a good sign.”
Recognizing the telltale signs is what prevents you from pursuing a bad boy in the first place, which can prevent all the heartache and emotional turbulence that occurs once you get in too deep. If you can spot one early, then you're off to a good start.
2. Distinguish between bad boys and boys that are bad for you
This is important to understand, because according to Dr. Lieberman, “Bad boys are heartbreakers. Boys that are bad for you may just be a wrong fit, such as being from a different background, living far away, having dreams that are incompatible with yours, wanting a different lifestyle, and so on. They don’t want to break your heart, but they are just not right for you.”
The former are the ones who you can sometimes spot in the wild and avoid at all costs, based off of rude mannerisms, or excessive selfies, but the second are harder to spot because they might be a great guy, but not a great guy for you. Sometimes finding out that they’re not right may take longer to see, but if they are immediately impolite or emotionally draining, then throw them in the first category and kick 'em to the curb.
Peyton, a freshman at James Madison University, agrees. “[I think] bad boys are the ones that want to change you,” she says. “They might tell you to change how you dress or wear your hair. If you’re going out and he says something like, 'Ooh, you’re wearing that tonight?' then I feel like that’s a bad sign. But if he’s just not a good fit it might be because you just don’t have many things in common.”
Determining the difference between a guy who just doesn't care and a guy who just doesn't fit is key. Like Peyton says, look for warning signs that he is disrespectful or trying to change you into someone you're not. If that's the issue, you're probably dealing with a not-so-great guy. But if he's just not into Sunday brunches and doesn't fit into your lifestyle, then he might just be a bad fit.
3. Determine why you're attracted to them
Figuring this one out is more complicated than you'd think. In a perfect world, we would see all of the red flags and realize that relationship deja vu is inevitable, but instead, we seem to be attracted to the exact type of guy we just swore off of. So what makes them such a temptation?
Some pyschologists would attribute the attraction to underlying father-daughter issues. Dr. Lieberman believes that "the type of relationship you have with your dad determines what kind of bad boy you will be attracted to. And if you have had more than one 'dad,' that is, a biological father and a stepfather, for example, you may be attracted to more than one type of bad boy.”
However, there are some who believe it's simply our desire to change a person, or go for the guy you know is a bad fit just for the attention. Marie Knoll, a junior at the University of South Carolina, also thinks that “a lot of other people go for guys who seem hard to get or 'out of their league' just because the chase is fun and a challenge, but then in the chance they end up liking you back, you end up not even liking them.”
Both situations are definitely plausible, and in either event, the key to understanding the attraction is to realize that it’s okay to fall for a bad boy once in a while, as long as perpetually going for the wrong guy isn’t your MO. Dr. Lieberman even says that “most of us are attracted to bad boys at least some of the time.”
4. Assess if he's a bad fit
This can be hard to determine because it’s easy to get lost in the moment. But it’s important to determine if he is building you up or breaking you down, and there are a few ways to determine which it is. Dr. Lieberman says that one of the biggest patterns to recognize is the interaction you have with said boy.
"If you are always trying to please him and feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, he isn’t the right fit," she says. "A bad boy likes to keep girls a little off-kilter so that he can be in control. But, a good relationship is one that you feel comfortable in and where you are treated with respect."
Sarah Westbrook, a junior at the University of South Carolina, agrees and believes that one of the ways to know a guy isn’t right for you is to see how he affects your confidence.
“I’ve gotten into situations where the guy I like is not someone who makes me feel good about myself,” she says. “I guess I came to realize it when I felt like I needed to change lots of things about myself and didn't feel as confident.”
The most important thing to keep in mind is whether you are happy more often than not. The right guy will make you feel safe and confident in yourself. If you feel smothered or unimportant, then it's probably time to move on.
5. Break out of the bad boy cycle
The torturous pattern of heartbreak always leaves you thinking: “How did this happen again?” The repeated mistakes are always caught too late, and you find yourself in the same situation you know all too well. Some psychologists, like Dr. Lieberman, attribute the continuous cycle to tumultuous parenting relationships, but this isn't always necessarily the case.
Allie, a junior at the University of Michigan, says that once she removed herself from the situation, she was able to see why she kept going for the wrong guy:
“Ben would do this super manipulative thing—when I was very, very drunk once, he took care of me all night and was very kind and sweet. And then he'd always joke whenever I drank anything after and said, ‘I call not taking care of her’ and everyone would laugh. It made me feel so guilty. When I confronted him about it he said, ‘I was just joking, I'll always take care of you, but I doubt anyone else would.’ [Now I] look back at all the guys and realize wow how did I fall for the same kind of guy? It's because it always starts great and it always starts with respect and kindness. It's so so so important to understand that you should keep receiving the same respect and kindness the whole way through, and you should do that for the guy as well."
Allie’s story is a great example because it shows that those snide comments and little digs do matter. You shouldn’t stand for it and you should recognize that you deserve better, because your guy should be the one to build you up, not tear you down.
6. Accept that you are moving past the bad boy stage
Sometimes this means going to others for help. Dr. Lieberman says that going it alone isn't always the best route, and seeking help from a therapist is a good way to resolve your bad-boy-bad-habit. Therapy can be a great way to express feelings that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others. Although this is only for the girls who are unable to break the habit, it’s a good option to have. Sometimes talking to another person in general is also a good way to rifle through your bad boy issues. The input of an outsider is a great way to get a second opinion and an unbiased point of view.
If you don't feel like therapy is right for you though, then reach out to someone close to you. Whether it's your mom, best friend or sister, having someone else to provide that outside perspective will make it easier for you to accept what changes need to be made and finally work toward finding the guy who's right for you.
7. Recognize why it's scary to move on and overcome it
Once you’ve found the source of your problem, the next step is to tackle it, but that’s easier said than done. Dr. Lieberman attributes this to the fact that “girls are often afraid of moving past the bad boy stage because they are afraid of the intimacy that a relationship with a good boy brings. Bad boys keep the girl at an emotional distance, which is frustrating, but also comforting in a way.”
Opening up to another person is scary and uncertain, which makes these guys perfect because they don’t provide an emotional connection. But to find a relationship that you are happy and comfortable in, the emotional aspect is imperative. It’s totally terrifying to reveal your worst and best parts to your SO, but having the ability to do so means that you’re with the right type of guy. An even if you haven’t found the right guy yet, that’s okay too. Allie reminds us that “it’s far better to be single than be with someone who doesn’t give you the utmost kindness and respect.”
Falling for the bad boy isn’t always easy to prevent, but keep in mind that you deserve to be with someone who enhances your life. That doesn’t mean that it will always be rainbows and butterflies, but if you feel happy and respected, then he isn’t one of the bad eggs—keep him around.
First dates are stressful for literallyeveryone. For lazy girls, they're extra stressful. We actually have to get out of our comfy spot on the couch and socialize in the outside world. The first anything is always ambiguous, so there's no way that a lazy chick can formulate a hack to make an easy connection with someone on the first date (unless of course, the rest of you lazy girls know something that I don't—in which case, help a gal out).
Unless your first date includes ordering a pizza and watching a movie with your boo, there are plenty of things that lazy girls hate about first dates (and getting ready for them). Here are 17 of them.
1. You have to set 20 alarms just to make sure you wake up from your midday nap
Seriously, this whole date thing is interrupting your precious snooze time. Ugh, so inconvenient.
2. Then you actually have to leave your bed
Why couldn’t you just go on a Netflix-and-nap date? The struggle is real.
3. And shower
It isn’t even your scheduled day to wash your hair!
4. And actually think about what you’re going to wear
Rather than just throwing on any old T-shirt and sweats.
5. You just realized that you don’t have any clean clothes
How can it be time to do laundry already? You just did it, like, three weeks ago. Time to get creative with the outfit.
6. You keep checking your phone to see if they cancel last minute
Sure, you’d have a bruised ego for a hot minute, but you’d ultimately be relieved because canceled plans = relaxation.
7. You just hate going through so much work getting ready for only a few hours of fun
Three words: Cost benefit analysis.
8. And you know the chances of it working out are slim, so why bother?
I could just not.
9. It'll probably start out super awkward since you're always running a few minutes late
In your defense, you were just procrastinating leaving the house. After all, what lazy girl likes going through the hassle of opening her bedroom door, much less driving?
10. You have to refrain from talking with food in your mouth
Because that’s rude or gross or whatever, which is completely unfair because you love to multitask. Plus, what kind of person asks you about your job while you’re shoving pasta in your mouth?
11. You actually have to think about interesting things to say about yourself…
This usually comes after the dreaded question, “What do you like to do for fun?” And you have to figure out a way to make sleeping, eating and watching TV sound enthralling.
12. …so you contemplate just staying single
After all, if you stay single, you don’t have to go places and do things—well, other than those pesky things called work and class.
13. You get freaked out by serious conversations…
Yeah, asking about your childhood and what you wanna do in the future might seem like normal questions to ask on the first date, but now you have to spend time actually talking. You definitely dig small talk more.
14. …except, you sort of hate small talk, too
Because now you have to find a way to make your day seem interesting. Online shopping definitely counts as business development, right?
15. You realize just how uncomfortable wearing a bra is
Seriously, why did you choose to wear a bra for this date? Oh right, because you don’t want them to stare at your chest all night.
16. You know they'll want to continue hanging out after dinner
But this date has been like a whole hour and you just want to put on your comfy yoga pants already.
17. That weird goodbye limbo takes so much energy
Granted, who actually likes this part of a first date? You’re both getting ready to say goodbye, but you both linger to see what the other person is going to do. Are they going to kiss you? Should you hug them? Should you shake their hand? No, that’s weird. Definitely weird. This whole process takes up way too much of your valuable Instagram time.
We’ve all been there. Perhaps there was alcohol involved or maybe you were really adamant about getting some action that night, even if that person wasn’t your first choice. Maybe your high school relationship makes you cringe every time you think about it. Whatever the case may be, constantly feeling embarrassed or regretful isn’t going to make the situation simply go away. Instead, consider alternative reasons why you shouldn’t feel embarrassed.
1. You wanted to get laid
There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to get laid, and despite what you might think, sometimes that is enough of a reason to hook up with someone (with consent, of course). Remember that hookups and bad relationships do not define you as a person. They may take an emotional toll on you now, but you’re in charge of your character! What you may have done or not done sexually in the past is only an inkling of who you are. You are more than your sexual encounters. In the wise words of Stacy*, a sophomore from Lehigh University, "You should never regret something that you once wanted or made you happy.” She summed up concisely why you shouldn't be embarrassed about a one-night stand.
2. You learned a lesson
Whether it was an awkward hookup, or maybe a regretful relationship, chances are you got something out of it and know better for next time. You learned a lesson, whether it’s not to drink too many tequila shots or trust guys that only want to have sex and not a relationship. Maybe you even learned that you deserve better.
Kathy*, a sophomore from New York University, says, "We are young and it's okay to experience things just for the sake of it. As long as you get something out of it, take the time you have to be carefree."
Perhaps you even dated someone that everyone told you to avoid. "Bad news" was his description, and now you've suffered from the inevitable burn. Although it's a little embarrassing to be wrong about someone, take the newfound breakup as an opportunity to learn about yourself and your needs so you can avoid a relationship similar to the last.
Related: 4 Reasons You Feel Sad After Sex
3. There's another person on the other end of the hookup
More often than not, gossiping over who was bad or embarrassing in bed over brunch has seemingly become the norm. Some circumstances that might be embarrassing include a partner that was extremely unhygienic or underwhelming. However, try to keep in mind that, despite their pitfalls, he/she consented to sleep with you too. Meaning, this certain person decided to have sex with you and you might want to consider their feelings. While your feelings are valid, no one likes to hear rumors about how bad they were in bed. Instead of bashing your ex or your hook-up from the night before, remember how damaging and degrading it is to hear rude comments about you. Katie* from Syracuse University, relates to this issue as she realized her words had gotten back to her."I had a bad hookup with this guy and told my friends about it, who ended up telling their friends about it. Long story short, the guy's entire frat doesn't speak to me anymore." Keep this in mind when your friends ask you discuss your night. Your comments could come back and hurt you.
4. No one really cares
Although your friends may tease you about something or someone embarrassing, at the end of the day, no one is too concerned with who you’re with because almost everyone has had an embarrassing hook up. Hard to point fingers when almost all of us have been there. Your real friends should be supportive and willing to comfort you, not harass or embarrass. They should know you as someone they cherish, not someone "tarnished" by a bad hook up or boyfriend. And if your friends are the teasing type, try to "roast yourself!"
If you’re still convinced that that really embarrassing hookup or relationship “ruined your life,” just keep waiting it out. I promise you’ll get over it, forget about it, and you'll have a great laugh about it one day. As long as all parties are consenting, you really shouldn’t beat yourself up too much about that awkward hookup. Good luck!
*Names have been changed