If you’ve ever seen the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, then you know that it takes more than looks and charm to keep a guy interested… even though I am confident that as Her Campus readers, you’re all wonderful! Sadly, however, it takes next to nothing to lose a guy in the early stages of a relationship (unless you’re Kate Hudson), and there are common mistakes that girls make in relationships that often do the trick. So, Her Campus has narrowed down the top 10 mistakes that girls usually make so that you won’t fall victim to the same faux pas. So, here it is…. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways…
1. Great Expectations
Sometimes, as girls, we have a tendency to start relationships with guys who aren’t perfect – who is, right? But, instead of accepting a guy for who he is, we hope that sometime during the relationship, we will be able to mold him into our ideal boyfriend. Yet, if a guy begins his relationship with you unable to return texts within a reasonable amount of time (which varies from girl to girl – personally, I prefer 3 minutes… just kidding - kind of) then he will probably never be able to. The problems start when we get frustrated that our boyfriend never changes, but he shouldn’t have to, and neither should we, of course. And, as we all know, relationships only get harder as time goes on. So, the best advice is to choose someone who you think is perfect in the beginning, or at least someone whose flaws you can tolerate. “The fact is, most of us love 80% of who the person is and there is 20% that annoys us,” says David Schramm, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor, Department of Human Development and Family studies, University of Missouri. “Research shows that, of the 20% that bothers us, 70% will never change! Those are the things that must be accepted.” If you learn to accept your boyfriend, flaws and all, then you can avoid unrealistic expectations, and move forward in your relationship. However, I will say that some things should never be tolerated, such as abuse – any man who has flaws that make you feel bad about yourself, feel threatened, feel unsafe, etc. should be dropped immediately.
2. If You Go Looking for Trouble, Chances Are You’ll Find It
Girls, I know how tough it can be to put your utmost trust in your boyfriend, since we all know that temptation exists. That, however, is no excuse to invade his privacy. I am in a long-distance relationship myself, so sometimes I have to physically stop myself from giving into the urge to check my boyfriend’s e-mail, text messages, Facebook, etc. There are so many forms of communication, that I’d be hard-pressed to find a girl who hasn’t been tempted to check up on her boyfriend before. But, snooping is a guaranteed way to push your boyfriend away because chances are you will find something, but it won’t be what you think it is. “I went on my boyfriend’s Facebook and saw that he had a new inbox message from his ex-girlfriend,” says Liz, a student at the University of Missouri. “Of course, once you get to that point, you have to read the message, and it referred to them getting together the other day. I freaked out.” Liz confronted her boyfriend, who then had to explain that he ran into his ex at Starbucks, and they caught up for a few minutes. While his ex’s wording in the message would suggest otherwise, he was telling the truth. Unfortunately, Liz’s boyfriend felt completely betrayed, and they ended things. Even if you don’t find something suspicious, your boyfriend will most likely discover that you’ve been snooping, and decide that he can’t trust YOU. “Trust is the foundation of any relationship,” says Schramm. “However, checking up or spying on someone is not the way to build trust. If doubts or questions arise, it’s best to go right to your boyfriend and ask him openly and honestly.” So, ladies, my best advice is to trust your boyfriend, and learn to communicate your doubts. Under almost no circumstances should you invade his privacy.
3. The Future
As girls, we have a tendency to plan for a future that includes our current boyfriend or crush. “It is definitely fun to imagine and play the ‘what if’ game,” says Rachel, a student at the University of Missouri. Boys, however, generally only think in terms of present time through the next five minutes, so your comments about a house, a dog, and three kids are probably (read: definitely) going to scare him away. Yes, your boyfriend may be relaxed discussing your plans for summer and how excited you are for your anniversary, but he doesn’t want to hear your decorating scheme for your first apartment together, or how much fun it’ll be to start a family together. “Research shows that the best relationships that last are the ones that build slowly over time,” says Schramm. “They often begin with doing fun things together and not taking the relationship too seriously too fast. It takes time to get to know the real someone behind the superficial mask.” So, girls, save your relationship, and your sanities, by discussing your future relationship dreams with your girlfriends only…at least until you hit the one year mark.
4. Displacement
Picture this: you and your mom get into a fight because you’ve been spending too much money at school. Then, your boyfriend calls and has to cancel on tonight’s plans because he didn’t have time to finish his paper, as the rest of his homework took too long. Your reaction? To verbally assault him about his lack of commitment to the relationship, his utter disregard to your feelings, etc. The reality is that you’re actually upset about the problems with your mom, but you choose to take it out on your boyfriend since he’s readily available.
We’ve all been in the preceding situation – I have, at least. Displacing your anger/resentment/sadness onto your boyfriend is understandable since he is usually the most accessible (read: in your line of fire). However, displacement is what has led to millions of boys calling girls “confusing.” He sees your outburst as crazy and uncalled for, which then leads him to doubt your entire relationship. And, to be fair, you would probably feel the same way. “Sometimes, my girlfriend gets so upset about the smallest things,” says Pat, a student at the University of Illinois. “I’m always confused, but then later I found out that there was actually much more to her behavior.” Girls, save yourself the extra trouble, and be honest with your boyfriend. “Some women bottle their frustrations up and don’t want to express their stress, and it often spills over into the relationship,” says Schramm. “If something is upsetting, it’s best to calmly express the concern or stress and see how the boyfriend responds.” Explain that you’ve had a bad day and you aren’t in the best mood, so he should give you some space or you’re likely to take it out on him. If your guy has any sense at all, he will go running in the opposite direction while appreciating your honesty, of course. Then again, if he’s a winner, he will stay and calm you down…with chocolates, a back massage, presents…
5. Jealousy
Okay, so seeing the same girl write on your boyfriend’s Facebook multiple times in a row is frustrating, as is your boyfriend working closely with other girls. This frustration can lead to crazy (as some call it) behavior from us girls, which ultimately will lead to a break-up. Trust me, jealously can end a relationship faster than you can say, “But I saw you with her!” Yes, some guys do think it’s relatively cute when you are jealous of another girl. However, the novelty wears off when you repeatedly accuse him of being interested in another girl. Chances are, he is only interested in you, at least until you put all the focus on another girl, leading your boyfriend to think about her more than you. The moral behind the story is that you will eventually push your boyfriend right into the other girl’s arms, even if he was never interested in her in the first place. “Jealousy is a natural feeling that stems from our love and desire to be with someone and wanting that person to want to think about and be with you,” says Schramm. “Too much jealousy and snooping around, however, can scare a guy off. Being over-possessive in a relationship can be damaging and feel suffocating, but expressing genuine concern is important.” Yes, certain situations do merit jealousy and a few pointed questions to your boyfriend, but remember that guys have a low tolerance for “craziness.” So, keep your jealousy private: go ahead and stalk her on Facebook, or call your friends in a rage…but by no means should you let your boyfriend know what you’re doing!
6. Roaming Eyes
As Her Campus readers, I’m sure all of you are beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, funny, etc. In fact, I’m positive that your boyfriend is lucky to be with you, and he knows it. That said, there are probably countless other guys who would also like to be with you, and that is where the problems begin. While it is a good idea to keep your options open with potential careers, majors, joining a sorority, etc., it is not a good idea to explore other options while in a relationship. Your boyfriend WILL find out, and anything you had before will be lost forever. “I was really happy with my boyfriend,” says Chinenye, a student at Syracuse University. “But I couldn’t keep myself from talking to other guys…I guess I just liked the attention – my boyfriend didn’t, however, and he dumped me.” As girls, we love to feel special, pampered, and loved. We forget sometimes that guys also like that. So, when they see that they aren’t the only VIP in your life, they move on. Think about it: you probably would, too. “Passion is the exciting feeling when things are new, “says Schramm. “However, true love is like a triangle, made up of passion, commitment, and intimacy. Having doubts in a relationship is natural, but letting your eyes wander is never a good thing. Keeping things new and exciting takes time and work, and there will be days of drudgery and sickness, but commitment is the glue that should hold you together.” If unhappiness in your relationship is causing you to think about other guys, then end your relationship. If you are just looking for attention, then tell your boyfriend you need more from him because you aren’t feeling as special as you should. If you are just trying to find a backup in the event your current relationship fails, then rethink your strategy because it isn’t fair to the new guy, the current guy, or you.
7. Advice
At the first sign of trouble in my relationship, I run to my girlfriends, as I’m sure many of you do, too. Typically, however, the only time I ask my girlfriends for advice about my relationship is when there IS a problem, so they tend to hear the worst about my boyfriend. Who really gloats about how wonderful their relationship is? After a while, though, your friends start to think that your boyfriend really is a jerk, and he doesn’t deserve to be with you. Or, your friends are inexperienced in relationships, or have a different way of handling situations than you, which leads you to make decisions that probably aren’t right for your relationship. Overall, outside influences generally lead to more problems in a relationship, rather than solutions… hello, Nick & Jessica on Newlyweds, anyone? “My girlfriend always used to ask for her friends’ opinions on my behavior,” says Steve, a student at the University of Missouri. “Then, she’d explain that Emily, Sarah, and Melissa all agreed with her, so why was I being so mean? It made me uncomfortable with her friends, and I resented her for making me look bad.” Girls, if you’re going to ask for your friends’ advice about your relationship, make sure that you also sometimes tell them about the cute thing he did for you the other day. Also, use their advice, but don’t taunt your boyfriend with it. He isn’t interested in what your BFF thinks, he is concerned about what YOU think. “Friends can be a wonderful source of support, but too often the conversation leans toward the negative end of things and not enough about what’s going ‘right’ in the relationship,” says Schramm. “Assuming it is a healthy relationship, when there are problems or stress, it is best to discuss these with the boyfriend personally. Even better, it’s most helpful to focus on the positive in the relationship and let the little things go.” That being said, don’t let your friends influence your feelings about a situation. Yes, they can be helpful, but in the end, it’s your relationship.
8. Dedicating Your Entire Life to Him
Relationships are fun, exciting, and comforting. So, it’s only natural that you will want to spend the majority of time with your boyfriend, and you hope that he feels the same. “It’s easy to become so infatuated with the ‘feeling’ of love that our brains produce that we have a hard time focusing on other areas of life,” says Schramm. “If you find yourself neglecting the other important areas of life, or if they suddenly seem ‘less important,’ this could be a sign that your emotions are getting carried away and overpowering the rational part of your brain.” These overwhelming emotions can lead to you dropping your friends, neglecting your schoolwork, canceling plans, etc. In other words, your life begins to revolve around him, and usually his does not revolve around you. So, eventually, conversations will end once he tells you about his day since your day was spent waiting to see him. Oh, and forget it if he wants a guys’ night… what are YOU supposed to do? Granted, sometimes the feeling is mutual, and both of you are desperate to spend every second together. However, in either case, your relationship is doomed if you don’t keep your lives somewhat separate. Yes, you can share some things, and of course you should spend time together, but remember that before you were with him, you had a life, and that is what attracted him to you in the first place. “In the beginning of my relationship, I dropped everything for my boyfriend,” says Rachel. “One day, he said that the relationship wasn’t working anymore because I wasn’t the girl I used to be. I realized that I had ruined it because I was too available, and I wasn’t interesting anymore.” Guys want someone they can talk to and someone who has something to say. If your only interest is him, then something is wrong. Girls, in order to keep him, keep busy.
9. Over-Analyzing
Girls are masters at taking one thing and turning it into something else, which drives guys insane. “Sometimes this is known as rumination and it is one factor that has been used to explain why women get depressed more frequently than men,” says Mark Fine, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri. “Ruminating about the relationship, what he said or did, what this means or doesn’t mean, etc. It can drive one a bit nuts, because you never know for sure what some communication or symbol really ‘means’ about the relationship.” I realize that certain situations actually force, or so it seems, you to over-analyze. For example, your boyfriend and his friends head out for the night. You wake up the next morning to a text sent at 4am from him saying, “I’m so sorry.” Um, what are you sorry for? What did you do? You spend the next few hours analyzing it with your friends, repeatedly calling his phone, and crying. In reality, he was apologizing that he didn’t call you like he said, didn’t text you during the night, or didn’t invite you. Girls, relax a little and give your guy the benefit of the doubt. As many of us know, guys aren’t the most complex creatures on the planet. If they say something, they usually mean it the way it sounds. If they do something, it isn’t spiteful, vindictive, or challenging – it’s just something they wanted to do. “If there are two ways to see a situation, and one makes my girlfriend upset, then I meant the other,” says Pat. So, challenge yourself to see his behavior as is, and spend less time analyzing it; rather, ENJOY him…. He is your boyfriend, after all.
10. Don’t Give Up
We’ve been conditioned by romantic comedies to see relationships as perfect. Who doesn’t want to date Edward from Twilight? Unless, of course, you’re a Jacob fan. Unfortunately, however, relationships aren’t perfect. You will encounter problems, issues, fights, doubts, and rough patches, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on the relationship. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and really evaluate what is a deal breaker and what you can handle. But, make sure to do this during a time when the relationship is steady, so your opinion isn’t biased. If it isn’t going to end your relationship, then don’t make it into a big deal. Relationships are messy and complicated, but in general, they are SO worth it. “We live in a demanding society – we want what we want and we want it now,” says Schramm. “We get the message from the media that things are disposable, including relationships. The long-term view of relationships – sticking together through good times and bad – help shape the relationship, and help each person to grow.” If you’re expecting perfection, then maybe you aren’t ready for a boyfriend, as the majority of guys will start running when they realize you aren’t able to handle minor upsets. To keep your guy, accept that you will encounter hiccups, but they aren’t the end of the world, as long as your guy makes you happy!
Sources
College students from across the country
David Schramm, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor, Department of Human Development and Family studies, University of Missouri
Mark Fine, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri