Tired of having to sort out the “nice guys” from the “bad boys”? Want to move up from one-night stand to full-time girlfriend, but unsure of how to do so? Stop worrying, because Real Live College Guy Dale is finally here to help with all of your collegiette love kerfuffles and help steer you clear of any unnecessary drama during your brief but ever-important time in college.
I've been "seeing" my best guy friend for a year now. We have been super close for the past eight years, and he was my shoulder to lean on during my seven-year relationship that ended badly. He's always been overly protective of me and hasn't been thrilled with anyone I've dated. A year ago, we hooked up one night while on vacation with friends, and since then, we’ve spent every day and night together (including Christmas Eve, Christmas, etc.) minus a few that one of us was out of town or doing family stuff. I am careful to not ask him to hang out nearly as often as he ask me... he calls me daily when he gets out of class and ask to see me. We spend every night together cuddling, talking, playing videogames, etc. (even nights we don't hook up, we still hang out together). We have a toothbrush at each other's houses and shower stuff and clothes. We buy groceries together and go everywhere together... but...
He claims he does not want a relationship, but says if I want to see other people then we'll go back to being "just friends.” Recently, while he was out of town, I hung out with a big group of friends. He got extremely jealous of me hanging out with guys while he was gone. Although he says it's nothing to do with me and it's him not wanting to commit to a relationship before he has all his "stuff" in order, it's hard for me to not take it personally. I'm good enough to be with every day, but not good enough to openly date?
What the hell gives? – Hopelessly Confused in Love at Harvard
Hopelessly Confused,
I’m going to be blunt here, because this kind of issue worries me. I sincerely believe it would be in your best interests to ditch this guy, or at the very least reel in your contact with him and make it very clear you can only be friends with him.
It sounds to me that your best guy friend is, at least somewhat, a little too attached. He doesn’t want a relationship, but you’re not allowed to hang out with or date other people without him getting jealous? Nothing about that sounds like a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy friendship.
You two are in a relationship already, whether he likes it or not. You two have toothbrushes and clothes at each other’s houses. You’re practically living together, and he’s saying that he’s not ready to commit? That’s a warning sign. Why he would do this is, at least without more information, uncertain. With what I know, it sounds like he wants a “no-strings-attached” style of relationship, but doesn’t know how to do that. He doesn’t know how to be casual without being forgiving, or cautious, or jealous for that matter. He can hook up with you, but you can’t date anyone else, which throws up red flags in areas like fairness and trust.
If by this point you feel that you need to drop him from your life, do it soon. Make it as quick and as painless as possible––though that isn’t to say that there won’t be hard feelings on either end. You have to be exact with him, you have to be prepared with your laundry list of reasons why things aren’t working out… and you have to be able to say, “No, enough is enough.”
If he refuses, you might consider turning the tables: Ask him if he’s allowed to hang out with or date other women. If he says yes, then he’s a hypocrite, and that’s only one more reason for you to end things.
However, if ditching doesn’t seem like an approachable idea to you, then I’d suggest you sit him down and have a serious heart-to-heart. Tell him what you want or what you’re looking to get out of this relationship. Make it clear that you like him, but you’re confused as to why he’s acting the way he is. If an honest conversation results in answers and flicks on a light of fairness in his head, maybe you two can consider moving forward in an established relationship.
I understand that dropping your best guy friend may not be the easiest thing in the world, but unless he’s willing to A) ease up on his jealousy, and B) step into a committed relationship with you, then I really, really don’t suggest staying in what could eventually become a toxic relationship.
That said, Hopelessly Confused, nothing about his behavior suggests to me that he’d be able to simply be able to go back to being friends if you decided to date other people. Based on what you’ve explained to me, I get the sense that he’ll be just as unimpressed with future boyfriends as he was with past ones, and he’ll continue to sit quietly in his corner of jealousy.
How long is it going to take him to get his “stuff” in order? The way I see it, Hopelessly Confused, you’re wasting your time here.