Tired of having to sort out the “nice guys” from the “bad boys”? Want to move up from one-night stand to full-time girlfriend, but unsure of how to do so? Stop worrying, because Real Live College Guy Dale is finally here to help with all of your collegiette love kerfuffles and help steer you clear of any unnecessary drama during your brief but ever-important time in college.
I met this guy at a bar about a month and a half ago and we really hit it off. We were both being the "babysitters" of our friends that night and ended up watching them do drunk, crazy things while we talked all night. We had so much in common and, despite the fact that he is a year younger and I just graduated, we started dating a couple of weeks later. Almost immediately after we started dating he had a family crisis that put a lot of emotional stress on him (his family friend that actually lived with his family committed suicide). A week later, he told me his feelings for me haven't changed, but he has a lot on his plate and now just isn't the right time to be in a relationship (he's also an athlete and taking summer school). I'm trying to be understanding and give him the space that he wants, but he is the first guy I've felt like this for in such a long time. Am I wasting my time to hope that after a few weeks he'll come around and want to start things up again, or should I just be moving on?–Muddled at Middlebury
Muddled,
Simply stated, if you feel strongly for him, you just need to be there for him in whatever manner he needs––friend, girlfriend, whatever. Losing a family friend is hard, and the trauma such an event likely caused is immeasurable.
He, like most people after a death in the family, might go through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). During this period of grief––most likely during anger and depression––it may appear as though his feelings for you have changed. He may seem closed off and stop communicating with certain people for a while. If he wants to take a break, don’t take it personally.
If you feel as strongly for the guy as you say you do, you should stand by him as a friend until he’s ready to start dating again. Moreover, if the two of you are as compatible as you say, I wouldn’t expect his actual feelings for you to change. Even then, it’s totally normal for him to take a second look at his priorities right now: He’s in school, he’s an athlete, and he just had a family friend pass away. Let’s be honest, he really does have a lot on his plate right now, and it’s totally normal for him to want to deal with these things in his life before he gets knee-deep into a serious relationship with someone that may have to be long-distance because you graduated.
It might take a few weeks, or it might take a couple of months, or it might take even longer. The grieving process doesn’t have a set length of time, but it’s possible that school and sports might help take the edge off until he’s able to move on. None of this is your fault, of course, but I’d suggest you simply be there for him. Let him know that if he needs you and if he wants to be in the relationship again, you’re there.