Need polite, concise, pop culture-laden answers to your guy problems? Our Real Live College Guy Joey (not to be confused with our other Real Live College Guy, Joe) will answer any and all questions about relationships and that ever-elusive beast, the male species, with thoughtfulness and (fingers-crossed) humor.
1. I have a crush on my best friend; problem is he has a girlfriend. He knows that I like him yet he is still flirty. What does this mean?
-Crushing at Colorado
Dear CC, first things first… Stay away from this dude if there is a possibility of something occurring—focus on my pointed look—while he’s still attached. You need to understand that guys’ and girls’ opinions of relationships frequently differ; he may see it as harmless to flirt with other girls while still remaining in a relationship. His girlfriend probably doesn’t. If anything other than that were to happen, you will take the fall. No questions asked. As much as you may like him, as much as he may flirt back: the end of the story (for now) is that he’s in a relationship, and until that changes you have no future with this guy outside of a solid, if flirtatious, friendship.I won’t even begin to deduce whether this man-beast may “like” you, or if he’s only being flirtatious—although,if he doesn’t have plans to break it off with his girlfriend, it’s probably the latter. If his flirtatious behavior is really bothering you, you owe it to your friendship to talk to him. Explain that his behavior’s become confusing and could he please figure out his priorities before bringing you into them? Muchas Gracias, Senor.
2. Hi! So recently I have been noticing little signs that my best guy friend may like me as more than a friend. I'm not sure if I like him back, but I want to know for sure. What should I do? How can I tell if his actions are normal friend behavior or him actually liking me?
-Perplexed at Pomona
I really can’t answer this that well, PP, because you yourself don’t even know your feelings with this guy. If I understand correctly, you’re unsure if you like this particular man-beast… But you don’t want to do anything about it unless you know for sure that he likes you back. Right? If so, this is hardly a promising foundation for a relationship. It sounds to my tender (hard), warm (cold) heart that you are just interested in the attention he’s offering. Brutal? Yes. True? Probably. And, if that’s the case, it’s healthier to hold out for someone you genuinely like. There’s no reason to convince yourself you like some guy solely because he offers you a few morsels of attention. However, if I’m totally wrong and you are genuinely interested in him, pick his brain on why he isn’t in a relationship. Ask him some questions; figure out what he wants in a girl. If he seems to be hinting at someone like you, bite the bullet and ask him out. With the future of your friendship on the horizon, you have to be the arbiter of judgment. I think the more important part of your question is the “I’m not sure if I like him back,” and, if that’s the case…There’s no point in making a friendship awkward until you’re sure.
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3. I have been hooking up with this kid for a few months on and off but usually only on weekends when we are both drunk. Whenever we try to talk in person soberly he seems awkward and like a totally different person than the guy that I was just with the weekend before. I have to make all the conversation and it leaves me feeling uncomfortable especially because of how well we get along usually. What is the deal? Why can't he communicate with me soberly?
-Sober at Sienna
Sadly, SS, this is a common enough case. When guys get to college, a lot of times they rely too much on alcohol to boost their courage when approaching the opposite sex. Alcohol is an easy way to get over any possible insecurity, and with that loss of inhibitions comes a more wayward way of interacting. I’m sure that he’s interested in you, I’m also sure that he’s just as nervous as you are outside of the confines of drunk parties. To combat these insecurities, try and arrive at a party early one weekend. You’ll have the chance to interact with others around—so there isn’t that aforementioned uncomfortable silence—and you’ll also have the chance to interact without being too drunk. If that isn’t a sure thing (i.e.,he may already be drunk) why don’t you suggest he have dinner with you and your friends beforehand, the friends can act as a buffer while you two get the chance to know each other outside of a “party” atmosphere. It’s important that he knows you’re just as nervous as he is. Now, you don’t need to tell him that exactly, but keep in mind that the feelings are entirely mutual. If you really think you might like this guy, then keep trying to push down that discomfort of his through continued dialogue.
4. Joey, my boyfriend and I got accepted to the same college, an Ivy League, and we think (?) we will be together forever, but what do you think? Will our relationship get old fast or would it be better for us to take a "break' and then come to each other if it's real?
-High School Sweetheart
HSS, I’m not a part of your relationship… So I can’t really offer a specific, examined position on the future of your relationship. You’ll still be in close to proximity to one another, so distance won’t be an issue. That’s certainly one mark in your favor. College is a difficult time for high school relationships, though. People change drastically over four years, they find out who they really are and what they really want. There’s honestly no possible way to know how these changes will affect your own relationship. The important thing to remember is that a “break” won’t help you, the realization that college is no second version of high school will. You’ll have different friends and social circles, and that’s okay. As long as you realize that you’re both bound to change, your relationship should have a greater chance of succeeding than if you were to try and remain the same people you were while in high school. However, as idiotic (or lame) as it may sound, if it is meant to be, it will be. There’s really no use stressing about theoretical problemas.