Flowers don’t have to be the only thing blossoming this spring; romance can, too! A week off from boring classes, huge textbooks and 12-page papers, spring break is the perfect time for dating. Whether you’re traveling, catching up on your favorite Netflix series at home or staying on campus, this stress-free week can become a whole lot better by going out with a campus cutie or two. Since there are so many ways collegiettes like to spend spring break, we’ve got great date ideas for you no matter where you are!

If you’re at the beach

Take a stroll on the boardwalk

Spend all day on the boardwalk, where you can sample tasty ice cream flavors and get lost in souvenir shops while enjoying the smell of the ocean. Most boardwalks have plenty of rides, shops and restaurants for you and your date to enjoy together. You can also play some games; hopefully they’ll win you a prize!

Go stargazing

Take a blanket out to the beach after dark and get ready for a romantic night. Under the moonlight, you and your date can spot constellations and get cozy together. For extra brownie points, don’t forget your partner’s favorite bottle of wine if you’re 21 or older!

Go to a bonfire

A bonfire on the beach is the perfect date that’s both relaxed and fun. All you need is a bag of chips with dip and two beach chairs. It’s a great way to get to know each other and way more fun than your typical dinner date.

Go to a beachside bar with live music

Try out a new place that comes recommended by a friend, or if you’re feeling adventurous, go to a new place that neither of you has heard of. There’s nothing better than watching a live performance with your toes in the sand. Who knows, you might find a hidden gem!

If you’re stuck on campus

See a band perform

Local bands love to play around college campuses, which usually results in free publicity for them and a free show for you! Find out where you can watch a performance and spend the evening belting out song lyrics together. Chances are it won’t be far away, so you won’t have to worry about transportation.

Set up a beach date in your dorm room

If you can’t make it to the beach, bring the beach to you! Go to your nearest Target and pick up tiki lights and a few inflatable beach toys, like palm trees or beach balls. Decorate your floor with towels and seashells, and for the perfect finishing touch, grab a few helium-filled dolphin balloons! Be sure to invite another couple to join the fun and make it a double date.

If you’re abroad

Go hiking

Hiking is a great way to explore and discover new places, especially if you’re in a tropical area. Choose a scenic trail, and for added romance, be sure to stop at a waterfall along the way!

Have a picnic

Go to a market together and fill up your basket with a variety of local, specialty foods, then have a picnic with all of your choices. You’ll get to experience exotic flavors of tons of fresh food!

Visit a historical site

There’s nothing better than visiting old places in new countries. Look up the most romantic spots in the country and go on a tour with your date. Whether it’s the “Love Lock” bridge in Paris or Juliet’s balcony in Verona, Italy, romance is in the air!

If you’re at home

Play a board game

Spark up some friendly competition with a few of your favorite childhood board games. You could even invite some friends over and compete with other couples. For a romantic spin on the game if it’s just the two of you, have the loser give the winner a massage!

Create a scavenger hunt

Make a list of different places that you’ve been together and write down romantic clues or riddles to each one. You can include the first place you kissed, your first date, etc.

Meghan Gibbons, a senior at Boston College, made a scavenger hunt for a group of friends. "Although I knew the path we were going to take, it was a lot of fun to see my friends remember the places and all the memories we had there," she says. It’ll be even more fun and romantic with your significant other!

Take advantage of your spare time during spring break by setting up some fantastic dates. With warm weather on the rise and so many options to choose from, say goodbye to winter coats and hello to the great outdoors. Love is definitely in the air this spring!

Not every relationship you experience leads to happily ever after. You can’t mold someone into your idea of prince or princess charming — sometimes two people just don’t work out. Whether you can sense the shakiness in the beginning of the relationship or years down the line, sometimes it’s best to trust your gut feeling. Here are six telltale signs that the relationship you’re in won’t last long term.

1. You mistake comfort for love

While it’s important to feel comfortable in your relationship, comfort is one of the key reasons why people stay in relationships that have long passed their expiration date. It can be nerve-wracking to put yourself in the dating pool again, and it’s even easier to hold on to a relationship because of the history you and your SO have. If you find yourself recounting the reasons of why you guys are together and the main reason is because “you’ve been with him for a long time,” you should realize that complacency does not lead to happiness.

Lauryn Higgins, a graduate student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, knew that her long-term relationship wouldn’t last just because of the longevity.

“I was in a three-year relationship and when a friend said to me, ‘Would you want your daughter dating the guy you’re with?’ And my first thought was, ‘I would want more for her,’ I knew I had to start having a conversation with my SO,” she says.

Evaluate if just feeling okay within your relationship is where you want to be. Love should be the most gratifying feeling in the world and should never be confused with complacency.

2. You feel like a secret

On the contrary, there’s the classic “situationship,” which we’ve all been in or witnessed. Just like you can’t mold a person into your version of perfection, there is no way to force someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in.

Ashley Drayton, a Georgia State University graduate, knows that your relationship will remain at a standstill without a few key elements.

“If he’s content with having a situationship, staying in the house instead of going on dates, he seems to be hiding you or parts of his life, and he doesn’t put a lot of effort into things regarding you, it’s not going anywhere,” she says.

At this point in life, if someone wants you to be a part of their life, it will be clear to you. You shouldn’t be left guessing whether or not you might have a chance of working out.

3.  You give and give, and they take and take

Sacrifices and compromises are a part of any relationship. However, they should not be coming from only one end. It’s not a good sign if you give so much of yourself to someone with little investment in return.

You can easily burn out early on in a relationship if you are constantly giving. Megan Scavo, a sophomore at the University of Central Florida, knows from personal experience that selfishness can cause a relationship should go downhill quickly.

“If your SO expects you to plan your entire life around them, such as school, work and friends, it’s not going to last too long,” she says.

If you find that you are the only one sacrificing up your time, money and energy, recognize that that is not normal.

4. Your friends and family can tell it won’t last

Nobody is in your relationship but you and your SO, so sometimes it can hard for outsiders to judge your relationship. However, the saying “Mama knows best” may not be so cliché in this case. Love can blind you enough to the point that you don’t recognize warning signs.

“If your friends tell you they don’t see you with him forever or that he’s not the one, listen,” Megan says. “Your friends know you better than you know yourself sometimes.”

You may have that one friend who doubts every relationship you get into, but if the overwhelming majority of your friends and family do not see things working out for the best, you should at least listen to them as to why. They have a more objective view of the relationship. Plus, if they know you well enough, they can tell when things just click and when they don’t. 

Related: 5 Ways to Let Go of a Relationship That Ended Before it Started

5. You try to justify bad behavior

Your SO is not immune from making mistakes. It’s completely understandable to forgive small mistakes, but your SO should not get a free pass on everything.

Something that should be immediately addressed is any form of abuse. “If he says rude things or degrades you, even if it’s out of character when angry, that’s a definite red flag,” Megan says. “Way too many women put up with that too long.”

Rachel Petty, a senior at James Madison University, advises women to trust their gut feeling when it comes to a bad feeling about a relationship.

“If you find yourself making excuses for your SO and letting big things slide, that’s a sign you should probably end things,” she says. “If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.”

You can't shake off your intuition telling you something is wrong forever. In many cases, our feelings of uneasiness are justified. 

6. Your core values do not align

Opposites attract in many cases, but in some cases they cannot work long term. Having differences with others is what makes humans unique, but some differences may be too big to ignore.

Alyssa*, a junior at Kennesaw State University, could not look past a difference in religion between her and her SO.

“I am religious and my ex was not,” she says. “At first, I looked past this difference. But when he became comfortable enough, he would essentially make fun of me for believing in something. That’s where I had to evaluate if I could handle that intolerance for years to come.”

The important thing to remember is even though you and your SO have differences, there should be mutual respect for each other’s beliefs. You should never feel ashamed or scared to practice your beliefs because your SO believes the opposite.

Envision your future a few years down the road. If you cannot see your future with your SO and their current behavior, it is time to have a conversation with them. Whether or not you chose to end things or work on things is up to you, but know that you do not have to put up with behavior that doesn’t mesh with you. 

Spring break: a sunny week filled with drinks, friends and flirty guys. If you’re looking to have a little fun this spring break but don’t want to say goodbye to your hottie once the week comes to an end, you’re in the right place. If you play your cards right, you could turn your spring break fling into a relationship in no time. We talked to Dr. Ish Major, board-certified psychiatrist and author of Little White Whys to give you a step-by-step guide on how to turn a spring break hook-up into a relationship, if you’re really falling for your fling. Get ready for an awesome break—and potential new partner!

Step 1: Make your intentions clear

If you go into spring break knowing you want a relationship out of it, be sure your hook-up is on the same page. Try saying something like, “I can’t wait to hang out when we get back!” or, “It’s awesome that we live so close at home.” If he knows you aren’t just looking for a hook-up, he can either let you know it isn’t going to work or keep his sights set on you. Letting him know how you feel up front will prevent heartbreak or potential awkwardness later on.

“I think the first [and] most important step is to be honest with each other about whether [a relationship] is something you both want to pursue,” Dr. Major says. “While you’re in the moment, it might be hard to figure that out, but shortly after, once some of the party dust has settled just a bit, that can be a conversation that you both have. The key part is that you both agree to pursue it.”

Dr. Major also mentions that your fling may not be looking for the same thing as you: “Keep in mind, it is spring break, and he may not be interested in anything beyond hooking up today or tonight or for the rest of the trip, so an idea like that may turn him off. But this is about you feeling good about what’s happening, so if a relationship is what you’re looking for then claim that, stand in that dream and don’t back down from it.”

Step 2: Get to know each other

The atmosphere of spring break (read: so many shirtless men and margaritas) can make it hard to focus on reality. If you’re serious about turning your fling into a relationship, it’s crucial to be sure you really know the person. Your crush may seem like your perfect match amidst all the drinks and fun, but outside of spring break, he or she could be totally different. “Getting an idea of where he’s headed or wants to go in life will give you a really good sense of how well your lives will mesh together once your back home,” Dr. Major says. Try going out to dinner—just the two of you—to see how much you have in common. If you really know what you’re getting into and still feel the same way about him or her, you can take the next step in becoming a real thing.

“People are often a lot ‘different’ when they’re on vacation than when they’re at home in their normal routine,” Dr. Major adds. “So the person you met on spring break may not be the person he is when he’s in his natural environment. That’s where the ‘getting to know each other’ on a deeper level beyond the break comes into play. The sooner you can ask some deeper questions and have more meaningful conversations, the sooner you’ll be able to figure that out.”

If the person you’re with is the guy who hasn’t worn a shirt all weekend, always has a Natty Light in hand and is constantly flirting with other people, it should be pretty clear that he or she isn’t S.O. material. Find someone who you have a lot in common with and like for their personality, not their abs.

Step 3: Have “the talk”

If the end of spring break is rolling around and you’re still crazy about your crush, you two should have a serious talk about what’s next. If you’re both on the same page about wanting to continue the relationship, decide when you’ll see each other next. If you go to school close to one another (or even at the same school), it shouldn’t be hard to schedule a date or time to hang out. If you don’t go to school near one another, you have to be sure you’re ready for the commitment of a long-distance relationship.

So, how do you approach the conversation? Dr. Major suggests: “You can say something like, ‘Wow, I’m having such a really great time with you. I really don’t want this feeling to end. I know it might be hard, but I wish there was a way to keep this going,’ then wait for a response. That way, you’ve made it okay and not awkward to talk about the elephant in the room. You may or may not get the response you were looking for, but at least you can feel good about being brave enough to go for it!”

He also says, “It’s a spring break fling, so chances are you’re probably not from the same place, which means anything long-term may have to be long-distance for a while. If that’s the case, then you both have to be willing to put in that effort.”

Be sure to have this talk before spring break ends so you aren’t left with any confusion or misunderstandings. Having closure will leave you feeling confident about returning to normal life without worrying about where you and your spring break fling stand.

Step 4: Stay connected

Communication is key in any relationship, and it will be the deciding factor in whether or not your spring break fling will last. Continue talking to your guy after break and make sure you both still feel the same way once normal life has resumed. If you keep in touch and can see one another, your relationship is off to a good start. If there’s a lack of communication and you aren’t on the same page, things may begin to go downhill.

Try Dr. Major’s tips for staying connected beyond the break:

• Keep in frequent contact via text/Skype/calls.
• Set a definite date to see each other again soon.
• Talk about the fun you had over break and see if there were some things that they saw/heard/did that you didn’t. Share different perspectives of that shared experience.
• Talk about the people you know and the places you’ve gone. Chances are you may have some people/places and things in common that you didn’t expect!
• Give each other a glimpse into your ‘real worlds’ and your real-world selves. Spring break is a different setting; now it’s time to get to know each other in your natural settings in the midst of your day-to-day routines and see if the chemistry is still there.

If you aren’t ready to say goodbye to your fling once spring break comes to an end, follow our guide and you can hopefully turn it into a relationship. If your feelings are as strong as you think they are, you’ll be able work on transitioning from spring break to normal life. Be yourself and you’re bound to find the hottie of your dreams. Good luck, collegiettes!

Dating has always been hard. How could it not be with all of the “what-ifs” running through daters’ minds? What if we run out of things to talk about? What if he doesn’t text me back? And so on. Those questions, coupled with the nuances of online dating, where the act of swiping right or left is all it takes for getting someone’s number or missing out completely, makes dating seem nearly impossible. Ultimately, the real reason why you’re swiping becomes foggy.

Ironically, it’s that lack of clarity that’s behind most dating faux pas— not realizing the boy you’ve been texting really only wants a casual fling until you’re too invested, or seeking out what you think is your ideal relationship when that couldn’t be farther from what you really want. According to human behavior and relationship expert Dr. Patrick Wanis, it’s that not-knowing that affects daters the most. “You can be easily influenced down the wrong path when you don’t know which is the right path for you,” says Dr. Wanis.  

Think about it. We’ve all been there, in one context or another, where we’re left wondering what went wrong in a new relationship or even an old one. For some, the answer is to stop dating all together, or to avoid serious, long-term relationships in favor of those with less commitments. For others, the answer never comes and they’re left muddling over who did what and why. One result that’s almost universally common, is the act of vowing to protect your feelings so they aren’t hurt again.

To help you avoid making those common dating mistakes, and figure out what it is you’re really looking for in a relationship, we talked to two relationship experts, Dr. Wanis and the founder of Sexy Confidence, Adam LoDolce, to figure out why you might be subconsciously lying to yourself about the type of relationship status you want and need and how you can avoid doing it in the future.

For starters, it’s actually pretty common among men and women to hide or lie about your true feelings.

Dr. Wanis has found that both men and women hide their true feelings regarding whether or not they want to be in a serious relationship. “I don’t believe it’s specifically gender-based,” says Dr. Wanis. He’s not alone in this thought either, LoDolce also notes that both men and women are equally likely to hide the reasons why they’re dating. “I think as time has gone by, men and women are a little bit less willing to open up, especially younger people where there’s less of a social contract,” says LoDolce. Sound familiar? On college campuses that relaxed, unspoken open contract regarding dating and relationships can be the reason for dating nightmares.

This is especially true in an age where hookup culture is prevalent on almost every college campus, making hard to really put yourself out there. So, next time you embark on a new relationship, especially in college, take a minute and think about if this is really what you’re interested in. Digging a little bit deeper, and asking yourself what worked and what didn't in previous relationships may also point you in the right direction. If nothing else, you might realize subconscious feelings you’ve been harboring from previous relationships that are hurting you in current ones.

There’s more than one reason for why you may be hiding your feelings.

According to Dr. Wanis, those reasons vary depending on situation. For example, some women may enter into a relationship they don’t want to be in, but hide their true feelings because they are seeking approval from peers. Other women do so to avoid conflict or criticism, isolation or the feeling of being overtly different. One way this might present itself in modern dating is, after starting a new relationship, lying to your partner about the type of relationship you’re seeking. For example, lying to prevent scaring the other person away as a result of wanting a more serious relationship. “Remember, there is a difference between the conscious and subconscious mind,” says Dr. Wanis. “Consciously one might say, I don’t want to be in this relationship because I like my freedom, when really what she means subconsciously is that she doesn’t want to be in this relationship because she fears rejection; she just isn’t consciously aware of that,” says Dr. Wanis. A lot of the time, people aren’t intentionally lying about what they want out of a relationship, so it’s important to take a step back and peel back those emotional layers to make sure you’re not subconsciously protecting yourself or hindering yourself from forming future relationships. Intentional or not, the outcome of a miscommunication in a break-up often has the same effects.

The outcome of lying about what you’re really looking for in a relationship negatively affects you too, not just the other person.

“I teach every one of my clients to be honest with yourself and to be truthful to yourself and then be honest and truthful with others,” says Dr. Wanis. This reminder, when you really break it down is reminiscent of the lesson that we all learned early on in life, but often overlooked: to treat others how we want to be treated. But, hurting feelings isn’t the only reason you should be honest with yourself. Aside from the emotional ramifications of accidentally, or intentionally stringing someone along in an effort to conceal what you’re really looking for in a relationship, Dr. Wanis also points out how detrimental lying about what you want can be to your personal health. “If you are hiding yourself from yourself, then you are robbing yourself from life’s enjoyment or the enjoyment of life,” says Dr. Wanis. Simply put, you aren’t just derailing someone else’s chance at happiness, you’re also affecting your own shot at happiness.

How to avoid lying or misunderstanding what you want out of a relationship in the future:

“A lot of people do a lot of assuming when it comes to relationships,” said LoDolce. “And the worst thing that can happen, is that all of these assumptions are made, and it’s two or three months of seeing each other, only to discover the other person never wanted a relationship in the first place,” says LoDolce. On college campuses, that plays out more often then not. It’s hard to turn to a guy you met out a few weeks ago ask him where he sees this going. For starters, you don’t want to be turned down or open the door to something more serious than what you were looking for. To avoid these miscommunications, here are three questions Dr. Wanis encourages you to ask yourself, and then ask your partner.

1. Ask yourself what you want.
2. Figure out what your values are.
3. Define your motivators.

“The point is to get clear about what you really want in life,” says Dr. Wanis. One example according to Dr. Wanis is, “If your current top value is freedom and independence, then you’re not going to get into a serious relationship,”  meaning that you’re able to date, as long as you let your partner know that you want that independence and ability to hangout with your friends, so he or she is clear that he’s not your top priority.

Dating is hard, but not being honest with yourself about your expectations and wants only makes it harder.

Whether you’ve been together for years or only a few months, breakups are never easy. And in some situations, they’re not always for the better. While some temporary sadness is expected after a breakup, ending things with your SO shouldn’t leave you with long-term regret. If you find yourself stuck in one of the following scenarios, your relationship may be one worth reconsidering:

1. You’re still trying to make them jealous

Regardless of how your breakup went down, it’s normal to feel at least a little jealous the first time you see your ex with someone new. However, if it’s been six months and you’re still going out of your way to hook up with others in front of them, then you may just be trying to distract yourself from what you’re really feeling.

“My current boyfriend and I had a really bad breakup a few months back,” says Anna*, a junior at Emerson College. “We clearly weren’t over one another, though, because we kept texting after it ended. We both tried to make the other jealous by talking about other people we had hooked up with.”

According to Dr. Carole Lieberman, a Beverly Hills psychiatrist and relationship expert, trying to make your ex jealous can be a way of masking the feelings that you still have for them. "It could mean that you do still have feelings for [your ex], though perhaps you don’t want to admit it," she says.

While going out of your way to make your ex jealous may seem cathartic in the heat of the moment, it could cause further strain in your relationship (even if you remain broken up) down the road. If you’re looking to get their attention while still taking the high road, consider getting together for lunch or coffee to talk things through. Even if you don’t end up getting back together, getting closure can making moving on from a relationship a lot easier.

Related: 6 Reasons Why Guys Pull Away In Their Relationship

2. You can’t stop comparing your new dates and hook-ups to them

If you’re fresh out of a long-term relationship, it can be hard to adapt to life without your SO. However, if you’re comparing every new date and hook-up to those you had with your ex, that could be a major red flag that you’re not ready to move on just yet.

“If you are thinking that you made a mistake in breaking up with your ex, you need to decide whether it was really a mistake or whether you’re remembering them with rose-colored glasses because the other guys you’re dating aren’t as great as you thought they would be,” says Dr. Lieberman.

Consider the reasons why you and your SO broke up in the first place. Was it over a lack of communication, a fight that seems minor now or anotherproblemthat could be easily worked through? If you find yourself answering yes to these questions, then it may be worth reconsidering the breakup.

3. You remember even the bad parts of the relationship fondly

It goes without saying that there are certain partners who should never be given a second chance—anyone who has cheated on you, abused you sexually or emotionally or caused serious harm to your health and life. However, if you and your SO broke up solely because you fought a lot (and these fights seem stupid in retrospect), then that could be a sign that you’re ready to try things with them again.

“Eventually [my boyfriend and I] had a long talk and realized that while there were definitely things we both needed to work on, we missed one another enough to give our relationship another chance,” says Anna.

Iris Goldsztajn, a senior at the University of California Los Angeles, also decided to give her relationship a second chance. "When [my ex and I] talked [our breakup] over, we decided to try to date again. We had some amazing times, but eventually I started to feel weird about us again—the same way I'd felt the first time, and we broke up again. I'm still very attracted to him and seeing him still stings, but I know we weren't good together. In other words, I shouldn't have regretted breaking up with him, because it was better for both of us in the end."

4. You bring them up in every conversation 

After a rough break-up, it's totally expected that you'll need some time to reflect on what went down between you and your ex. After spending so much time with someone, it can be hard to go through your daily routine without thinking about them one way or another. However, if you can't get through class, a phone call with your mom, or a girl's night out without bringing your ex into every aspect of the conversation, that's a red flag that you definitely haven't moved on yet.

"I broke up with a guy because I didn't see it going anywhere, but we had a really strong attraction and (I think) strong feelings that just didn't go away," says Iris. "Every time I saw him after that I would whine to my friends about how much I missed him."

Regardless of whether you're bringing your ex up in a positive or negative way, bringing them into every conversation shows that you're uncertain about the decision to break-up. "If you’re always bringing up your ex in conversations, it means you are having trouble moving on," says Dr. Lieberman. "If you bring them up in a fond way, it means that you want others to believe that you once had a great partner, and therefore, will have another one soon. If you bring them up in a negative way, however, it means that you want others to help convince you that you did the right thing in breaking up with them."

If you're struggling to get your ex off your mind, it may be a sign that your relationship is worth considering. If you do decide to give things another try with them, though, make sure it's for the right reasons.

While going through a rough patch in a relationship, it can be hard to figure out exactly how you feel. However, if your feelings for your ex are lingering and there’s no good reason why the two of you shouldn’t try things again, then maybe a break was all the two of you needed to make you realize how much you care. Keep an open mind, and make communication your number one priority whether or not you decide to try things again.

If it’s been a few months are you’re still listening to Adele’s “Hello” and crying into your food, you’re probably still in love with your ex.

In all seriousness, we sympathize with you and love you, and you are not alone in whatever pain you may be experiencing. It causes incredible heartache to still care so much about someone and feel bound to them, while simultaneously being urged by everyone around you to move on.

The thing that it’s time to realize is that you do need to move on–by doing whatever that means for you. Some women need to confront their ex and find closure, while others simply need more time. Of course, moving on is easier said than done, but HC is here to help you along.

1. Find community to rebuild the love you had

If you’re looking for someone to heal your wounds, finding a few new friends to surround yourself with might be a huge help. They won’t necessarily replace the love in your heart for that person, but they will provide a reciprocating relationship of mutual friendly affection, and help to wean you off of your ex.

It’s okay to feel lost after your relationship, but a huge step to moving on from your ex is to rediscover your own identity. College is such a beautiful time of change and personal growth, and any leftover feelings for your ex are going to slow down your transformation into the person you’re meant to become.

“It had been nearly a year since my breakup, and even then I found myself in my room way too often, usually crying and binge-stalking him on Instagram,” says sophomore Hana Petschl, a student and peer counselor at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. “I was really lucky that my roommates I got assigned to tried to bring me out of my painful little cocoon. They made me hang out with them all the time and encouraged me to get involved in a bunch of stuff on campus. Now I’m in a sorority and a peer counselor, and I help people all the time that had my same situation of not being able to get over their ex.”

It is entirely possible to find people that fulfill you in a way that your ex never could. Having besties to watch movies with, fellow Star Wars lovers to share your geek passions and a new community to love you in the way you truly need can completely distract you from your last relationship. It’s time to move on and blossom with a loving community right behind you every step of the way.

Related: 4 Reasons Your Breakup May Have Been a Mistake

2. Give it time

It’s common wisdom that it takes half the time that the relationship lasted to move on from it emotionally. This equation for recovery is pretty much a load of hooey. Everyone has different speeds of healing, and unfortunately yours might take a bit longer than most if you’re still in love with your ex.

This is one of the most painful and irritating processes of healing and moving on—because let’s be honest, human beings just hate being patient. We want everything RIGHT NOW, but the heart doesn’t work like that. The longer you distance yourself from your ex and actively work to move on (this means you can’t cave to sending late night text messages that say “I miss you”), the more those feelings of longing for your ex will fade to a dull ache.

3. Either confront them and work it out, or completely remove them from your life

There is no in-between. It may be time for you to end it—for real this time. If you’re still in love with your ex, you may be in a place where you seem to be in an on-again/off-again relationship with him since you guys can’t seem to let go.

“Just take my word for it, and dump his a**,” advises Sarah Arroyo, a senior at Boston University. “You’d be surprised how many girls do this, and I’ve seen it way too often with my best friends. They’ll go through a breakup but won’t actually let their ex go for MONTHS! It’s emotionally exhausting for them, and after dangling each other out on a limb for so long, they can’t even be friends because it’s gotten too messy. Just decide to be together, or don’t be together at all!”

Confront them about your feelings, and really communicate about where the two of you are at. It’s best for him to know that you still have feelings, and he may have advice on how to heal, or he may even be feeling the same way. Every situation is unique and there’s no way we can tell you what decision to make, but sometimes it’s just better for things to end. Your life existed before him, and it can certainly exist without him.

4. Consider that you’re not as in love with them as you thought

Love is such a complex emotion, and it’s never straightforward. Experts recommend some serious introspection to determine if you’re actually still in love with your ex at all, or if it’s just some leftover emotions that are making you confused.

“Oftentimes I’ll have my patients practice mindfulness exercises when they feel an anxiety attack, or painful memories coming on,” says Kimberli Andridge, a licensed psychologist for gender and sexual inclusivity. “These can be really helpful for calming yourself down and getting to the root of where these feelings are coming from. After practicing the exercises and acknowledgement of the feelings, patients tend to realize that their attachment is not because they are still longing for their previous partner, but rather they’re dealing with some alternative issue or are facing another type of unhappiness in their life that keeps them holding on to something psychologically.”

College can be such a whirlwind of craziness, and transitioning your life through a break up is the last thing a collegiette needs. To finally move on, you may need to sort out what you’ve been feeling and see that you’re not in love with them anymore. The way you feel could stem from a place of jealousy, resentment or even a lingering desire to receive their affirmation. The next time you’re stalking him on Facebook and helplessly trying to devise a plan to win him back, just take a moment to breathe and let go.

"After rough breakups, people are kind of all over the place, and for a long time I thought I was still in love with my ex," says Amber Charter, a junior at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who is studying to become a relationship psychologist. "I wish that I’d been smart enough to realize I really wasn’t. I just wanted his relationship with his new girlfriend to fail, and I hadn’t found another person to like, which is why I stayed so attached to him." No matter the way in which you choose to heal from still being in love with your ex, above all else remember to work on loving yourself. Realize that you did the best you could, and that actively choosing to move on each day will empty you of yucky, lingering emotional baggage.

Related: An Open Letter to the Guy Who Helped Me Realize I Deserve Better

5. Try to have a relationship with them again

From a personal standpoint, exes are exes for a reason—but for some women, a time of separation leads them to want to have a relationship again, and that’s okay. Maybe your heart is trying to tell you something by not letting you move on.

“After about three months of being separated, my ex and I got back together,” says Lisa Oakley, a junior at Northeastern University. “Pretty much all of my friends and family were against it, and it was hard. I don’t think a lot of people make that choice, and the whole time I was skeptical of my decision, but I couldn’t let him go. We’ve been together for another year-and-a-half since that happened, though, and in the time we spent apart we both really grew up a lot, and now we are at an even better place than before. So, I don’t regret my decision at all.”

When you share your life with someone, that love you once had never truly goes away. Sit down and seriously think about your feelings. Make a list in your head of every screw-up, fight, unanswered text and smelly fart that he dealt your way, and if you still want to get back with him after going through all of the cons, then you should go for it. We wouldn’t recommend this if your ex is a total scumbag and did really awful things to you, because there are obviously certain deal breakers like if he was unfaithful or abusive in any way. If he’s a decent guy that deserves a second chance and is also willing to give you one and forgive your mistakes, then why not?

Navigating the path of still being in love with your ex is messy and hard, but above all else, consider your own feelings and heart. You are strong, beautiful and totally in control of your life, so choose to surround yourself with people who will love you the way you deserve. Have patience with yourself while you heal and move on, and the rest will come with time.

It can be so hard to say those three little words: I love you. These three tiny words have such enormous weight attached to them. And because of the significance of these words, expressing initial feelings of love to your boyfriend or girlfriend can be a daunting task. You may try to drop hints without saying those three little words, but eventually you just need to come out and say it. You know you have these feelings, but when should you share them?

I remember in middle school reading an article in a popular teen magazine that said you shouldn’t tell someone you love him or her until you had been together for at least six months. For some reason, this arbitrary number has stuck with me, even as I enter young adulthood. But, is there actually a magic time to express your love and adoration to your partner? Relationship experts across the board say no, there is no set amount of time, but rather the perfect time varies from relationship to relationship. While this may seem like unhelpful advice, there are some things you can keep in mind when deciding if you’re ready to say, ‘I love you.’

Related: 6 Pros & Cons of Being Someone’s First Love

The science of falling in love

You may understand what is going on in your heart, but it is also important to understand what is going on in your body and mind when you are in love. According to Sarah Merrill, a doctoral candidate and sex and relationship researcher at Cornell University, there are two stages to falling in love: infatuation and attachment. Merrill says that when people typically refer to the feelings of having a crush or “falling in love,” they are speaking about the infatuation phase.

“[Infatuation is] characterized by intense desire and motivation to be around and think about this person. Mental preoccupation, obsession to the point where it annoys all of your friends—sometimes it is easier for other people in your life to see it,” Merrill says.  

After the infatuation period, which can last anywhere from six months to two years, comes the attachment period.

“Attachment is all about understanding and having someone fulfill your expectations, but those expectations are in a parameter of ‘you make me feel safe,’” Merrill says.

Merrill also notes that attachment has four defining characteristics: separation distress (you and your partner are upset when you are apart), proximity maintenance (you and your partner want to be close to each other), safe haven (your partner makes you feel better), and secure base (your partner has your back).

According to Merrill, there are some big break-up points at around two years and four years into a relationship, but if you make it past those points your relationship can be viewed as fairly strong. So, does that mean you should wait four years to tell your partner you love them? Worry not, you can share the news much sooner!

Knowing when the time is right

Lesli Doares, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Balanced Family, says that there is no way to put a number on how long to wait to say, ‘I love you.’ Rather Doares says you need to consider what sort of feelings you are having towards your partner.

“You need to wait to see if you are in love with the real person, and not an idealized version of your partner. And knowing this depends on how aware you are of your own needs. You should evaluate whether or not your partner checks off more than just a set list of characteristics,” Doares says.

If you are considering saying ‘I love you,’ reflecting on your relationship can provide deeper insight into your relationship. So, if your partner only excites you because they meet your arbitrary requirements (i.e. a certain height, has a car, can braid hair and has Zac Efron-esque looks), you may be more in love with the idea of your partner, rather than the person your partner is.

If you have evaluated your relationship and feel confident that you are in love with your partner, there are some cues, both physical and otherwise, you can pick up that offer hints that it is the perfect time for you to share your feelings with your partner.

According to Doares, eye contact and easy physical contact are two big signs.

“Is there eye contact when you are having conversations? Are there examples of your partner stopping what they are doing to pay attention to you? Do you touch each other as a way of connection?” Doares says. “Also, focus on whether you are being invited into that person’s life—do they invite you to spend time with their friends and family?”

If you and your SO are constantly alternating between spending time with your parents and their friends, that is a major sign that your lives are meshing together. And the more involved you become in each other’s lives, the easier it may be to say ‘I love you.’

But, is there ever a time you shouldn’t say ‘I love you?’

First, you need to check in with yourself. If you are only communicating these feelings to your SO to get them to say it back, you all might not be ready to say ‘I love you.’

Remember, if something feels off, don’t rush into anything. Doares emphasizes that if you feel as though you have to say it back to your partner, or if you fear for your safety, reciprocation of feelings is not necessary.

“You really should not say it [‘I love you’] if it is a manipulation. Being coerced is never love,” Doares says.

But all in all, Doares believes that if you and your partner are committed (and have experienced some of the aforementioned cues), there is no bad time.

Alex Galli, a grad student at York University, thinks that sometimes you just have to take the plunge.

“I ended up being the one to say it because I didn’t want to hold it in any longer and I knew he felt the same. If you’re both on the same page, odds are [your SO] feels the exact same way. And what’s a relationship without taking a little risk?”

What happens next?

So, now that you are pretty sure you are in love and have worked up the courage to say those three little words, what happens next?

Well, hopefully your partner returns your feelings! If they do, that’s great. The two of you can enjoy the blissful feeling of being in love and all of the perks that come with it. But, what happens if your partner doesn’t return your feelings?

Beverly Hills matchmaker Marla Martenson says that even if your partner doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, not all hope is lost

“If you haven’t been together that long and your partner doesn’t return the sentiment, it could just be that they are trying to get to know you better,” says Martenson.

Even though it may be awkward in the face of rejection, you and your SO may be able to work past this. Continue to spend time together and see if your feelings wax or wane. Sometimes, the strongest love needs a while to develop.

What if the situation is flipped and your partner expresses feelings of love before you are ready? What should you do then?

Carole Lieberman, M.D., Beverly Hills psychiatrist and author, says that it is best to practice kindness.

“If you don’t return your partner’s feelings, it is best to be compassionate and honest,” says Lieberman. “You can say something like, ‘Oh, I hadn’t realized that you felt this way. I thought that we were just good friends.’ If you want to give the relationship a chance, now that you know how he feels, you can say, ‘Perhaps we can continue to spend time with each other and see where it takes us.”

Liz Jacobson, a junior at UW-Stout, also emphasizes that it is important to be honest.

“If you aren’t ready to say it yet, do not say it,” says Liz. “Be honest with yourself AND to your partner because it’s not fair or healthy to lie. Open communication is essential to a healthy relationship.”

Related: 10 Common Long-Term Relationship Mistakes & How to Fix Them

As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, you are the only person who can know if it’s the right time to say ‘I love you.’ You spend the most time with your partner and are the expert when it comes to your relationship.

Anne*, a senior at American University, know this to be true.

“My advice is to wait to say it until you truly feel like it’s the right time, whatever that means to you. My boyfriend said ‘I love you’ to me for the first time before I felt ready, and even though it was a little awkward, I didn’t say it back right away. When I eventually did say it back, I think it was even more special because I knew that I really meant it and wasn’t just saying it because I felt like I had to,” says Anne.

And while it may seem silly, sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

*Name has been changed

After a breakup with your SO, it can be difficult to get back out there in the dating world. You may want to start dating again or at least begin searching for someone to hang out with, but the real problem is that we don’t always know where these potential candidates could be on campus. If you are struggling to find someone on your campus, here are some suggestions for where to look.

1. Parties or bars

This is the most typical place to meet guys. Attend a party with your friends, whether it’s at a fraternity or the apartment of the girl who sits next to you in your 8 a.m. math class. Hannah, a sophomore at the University of Michigan, suggests going to mixers if you’re in a sorority.

“Or you can always go to bars,” she says. “Make a lot of friends. Who knows, maybe they’ll introduce you to someone or you’ll end up being into someone you didn’t think you would be.”

2. Sports games

The idea of going to a game may not be the first thing you think of, but there are always other students there as well. Not only can you cheer on your school’s team, but you may end up sitting next to a guy you’ve never seen on campus before.

“I’ve heard from some of my friends that great places to meet people on campus are at intramural sports events,” says Liz, a junior at UW-Stout. Check the sports schedule and go to an event, whether it’s soccer, volleyball, lacrosse or even gymnastics.

Related: 10 Ways To Meet Guys That Don't Involve Bars or Parties

3. Dorm common areas

Your dorm most likely has a common room or lounge for everyone in the building, and there are plenty of spots on campus specifically meant for hanging out with others. LMU senior Sierra believes it’s a great way to meet guys.

“I’ve met several guys playing pool in my dorm lounge. It’s really a mystery where they all hide out!” she says. Take a trip to one of the lounges on campus under the guise of doing homework, or meet a friend there if you were planning on getting together anyways. A spot where lots of students frequent is somewhere you may want to be if you are actively looking to meet someone.

4. Campus activities

Maybe it’s bingo, a concert or trivia about your favorite TV show. There are always events going on around campus to attend and have fun. When you’re there, maybe you’ll win a prize and a date with that cutie who almost beat you in the game.

“Really, go to those lame [campus] events. There are tons of guys there,” says Sierra.

Even if you don’t meet a potential SO, it’s still good to go to campus events as much as possible to get the most out of your experience. You could just meet a new friend. “It never hurts to have friends [at college],” says Hannah.

5. The library

If you spend a lot of hours studying in the library, then you may notice some familiar faces around. Finding someone who also frequents the library to get work done could be the start to a new relationship.

“Even if you’re searching for your books at the library, that [certain] someone could come into your life completely unannounced and knock you off your socks,” says Liz. You don’t need to dress up every time you study, but consider saying hi to the cute guy at the table over.   

6. Clubs and organizations

When you join a club on campus, you’ll meet other students who share the same interests. Alex*, a senior at The College of William and Mary, met two guys from student organizations.

“It’s really great because we already know that we have at least one common interest, but still have the ability to learn more about each other. It’s also nice because we have a lot of built-in hang out time when we attend events together,” she says.

After visiting all of these places on campus, you may still be without a potential SO because you just couldn’t find anyone. But don’t give up! Hannah believes if you’re constantly “trying to meet guys,” you’ll miss out on a lot of other things going on.

“There’s nowhere out there where potential SO’s are hiding, and if you view every guy as a potential SO, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy,” she says.

Liz agrees, but says you should remember that you have just gotten out of a relationship. “It’s important to first take care of yourself and make sure that you are actually ready for a new relationship before trying to find ‘The One,’” Liz says. “I think as soon as you are truly ready for a new partner, it’ll all happen in the blink of an eye.”

As you check out these spots on campus, keep an eye out. You could be hanging out in the common room for hours, but maybe you’ll bump into someone in the dining hall or try and check out the same book as a cute guy you haven’t noticed before in the library.

A college campus is big enough that no matter where you look, you are bound to find someone. So once you’re ready to get back out there after ending a relationship, know that you don’t necessarily have to be at a certain place to meet your potential SO.

*Name has been changed.

Now that graduation season is finally approaching, it’s time to start thinking about your future. Like what job opportunities there are, where you are going to live next year, and making time for all of those awkward (yet necessary) conversations about leaving.

For those of you with an SO, you’ve probably been dreading this talk for a while. If you have found yourself asking questions like, “What do I even say first?” or “What should I even be asking?” or “How do I know what to do?” then this is the perfect article for you to read. Here are the six conversations you need to have with your SO before graduating.

1. How serious is this relationship?

Realistically, you’re about to embark on the beginning of your adult life. This is the first question you should be asking yourself and your SO about the relationship. Did you just start dating? If so, how important is your SO to you? Could you imagine going a few days without telling him or her about your day? Or asking for advice about your job or friends? If the answer is yes, then it might be best to go your separate ways.

2. What are your plans after graduation?

You’ve most likely talked about the future with you SO before now, but just in case you haven’t, here’s a reminder to get on that. Morgan Wilkinson, a junior at the University of South Carolina, says, “It sounds obvious, but be really transparent. Tell him where you want to live and where you’re thinking about working. And, make sure you know the same about him. Nothing is worse than realizing too late that you want totally opposite things.” Talking about things beforehand will make everything go much more smoothly!

3. Can we make a long-distance relationship work?

Chances are that if you or your SO has secured a job after graduation, you might be in different cities. If you met in college, and you’ve never been apart for longer than a month or two, then living far apart might be difficult to manage. A lot changes when couples move far apart from each other, like the sex life. Dating and confidence expert Adam LoDolce from Sexyconfidence.com says, “Intimacy is a huge part of relationships and in long distance relationships, that's suddenly gone. So, keep the sexual tension in the relationship as much as possible.” Just because the relationship might be different and require different communication styles, there’s no reason you shouldn’t try to make it work!

Related: 10 Common Long-Term Relationship Mistakes & How to Fix Them

4. Where do you see yourself in five or 10 years?

We get it; this sounds like a question you might be asked at a job interview. But, the answer to this question will tell you a lot about your SO and probably help you realize a thing or two about yourself. LoDolce suggests asking questions like, How do you envision your life five or 10 years from now? LoDolce says, “It'll give you an idea about whether or not that person's vision corresponds with your own.” You want to be with someone you see a future with.

5. How are we going to handle the tough stuff?

Finding out your partner’s coping methods during tough times can tell you a lot about who they are as a person. When it comes to big moves or changes, couples’ communication efforts can take a big hit. According to LoDolce, these are the most common mistakes to avoid when it comes to communicating with your SO.

The first mistake, is not communicating what's on your mind. If you’re SO doesn’t know what’s up, how can they address the problem? The second most common mistake is not including the other person in decisions. Everyone wants to feel included and thought of, so next time you plan a weekend with your girls, make sure you let your SO know what your plans are. Lastly, LoDolce has noticed that a lot of people “fade out” once a new job or move comes along. Don’t make that common mistake, it could cost you your relationship!

6. What do you need to be the best “you” you can be?

The most important conversation you should have is with yourself. Be honest and realistic. Are you too dependent on this relationship to try new experiences or meet new people? Can you see yourself living your best life with this person? Or do you need space to learn more about yourself?

Graduating is really exciting. Don’t let stress over figuring out what the next steps should be for your relationship take that away. Asking these six questions will take you in the direction you need to go.

I think we can generally agree that oral sex is one of the best things you can do with your partner, but it's also a total struggle. When you're hyper focused on pleasing yourself and your SO while simultaneously trying to be not awkward for once in your life, oral sex can become a juggling act that’s so hectic and overthought that it sucks (lol) all the pleasure away.

Whether it’s penis or vagina, we have some oral sex tips up our sleeves that will *blow* you away. We’ll help you get educated on everything about giving and getting head, and talk you through the awkward parts. Let’s just say that after we’re done, you’re going to be next level.

Giving

Penis

1. Protection

Robyn Berry, a staff member at Planned Parenthood in San Luis Obispo, has the full scoop on keeping your mouth and their genitals nice and protected. “First make sure both you and your partner have no sexually transmitted infections, and get tested regularly every few months,” she says. “Oral sex is relatively low risk if there’s some sort of barrier involved, but the best things to use are condoms or Sheer Glyde dental dams.”

To use protection, have your partner wear a condom or place the dental dam over their penis. You can go along pleasuring each other like usual, but the barrier will prevent harmful bodily fluids from being transferred between you two. If you’re not a fan of the latex taste, try a flavored condom! We recommend browsing babeland.com for your favorite flavor, because their lubricant is water-based and won’t give you a yeast infection if you use it for vaginal sex later.

It may seem lame AF to use protection for oral sex, but also, why wouldn’t you? When all the stress of risk is alleviated, you can relax and feel sexy instead of being worried that something bad will happen. Plus, using a condom or dental dam doesn’t take away any of the feelings of pleasure.  

2. How to give a blowjob

The key to giving an out of this world blowjob is knowing all the hot spots that make your partner tick. You should definitely ask your partner first what they prefer, but we also have a few pointers for you too.

First off, remember that even though it’s called a blowjob, you still want to be using your hands in tandem with your mouth. Using your hands to cover the parts of your partner’s shaft that your mouth can’t reach is going to make them feel full and out of their mind with pleasure, almost as if you’re deep-throating them. Another part you don’t want to ignore is their testicles. Playing with their balls while you’re sucking and putting some pressure on their perineum (the space between the testicles and butt) will have bae coming faster than you imagine.

Also, please remember that you have teeth, and unless your partner asks you to, you can just put those babies away. That should be blowjob tip number one.

Ariana*, a senior at Pennsylvania State University, shares her boyfriend’s hot spot. “The thing that makes my boyfriend really crazy is when I stick my tongue in his meatus-hold which is the tiny hole in the tip of the penis,” she says. “Works every time!”

She also has an incredible fake deep-throating tip to share. “I stick my tongue to the roof of my mouth and just go down until he hits the back of the underside of my tongue,” she says. "He says it feel like I’m deep throating him, and I never gag, so it works for both of us! The only thing is being careful not to get toothy with your bottom teeth or this could easily backfire.”

Before touching your partner anywhere new for the first time, make sure to ask their consent. Experimenting and trying new things during oral sex is something you should do regularly to keep your sex life fresh, but always double check what your partner is and isn’t comfortable with.

Vulva

1. Protection

For cunnilingus, you’ll need to place a dental dam over your partner’s vuvla to act as a barrier between any harmful bodily fluids and your mouth. For extra fun, use a water or silicon based lube which will not only keep the dam from breaking, but you’ll get a yummy flavor. Again, we recommend bableand.com because their lube does not contain harmful sugars that may cause a yeast infection.

If you want to learn more about STDs and how to have safe sex aside beyond oral, this video by Planned Parenthood is extra helpful.

2. How to go down

Umm, hello clitoris? Your partner will tell you what feels good, but when eating out there’s a few main tips you should follow. Most of what you should be doing is licking and sucking their labia and clitoris, even penetrating with your tongue if that feels good for your partner. Spend some extra time targeting their clitoris and playing with their nipples. Don’t forget to use your hands in this instance too, because getting fingered in tandem with mouth action is the best feeling ever.

Emma*, a junior at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, definitely knows how to please! “My girlfriend’s favorite thing is teasing,” she says. “For us, oral sex is usually just foreplay but it’s honestly the best part of the sex. If you gently run your fingers up and down her labia but don’t really go for it right away, then all of a sudden just go crazy with your tongue on her clit, you’ll win. You’ll just win.”

Alright ladies, off to the races!

Come to terms with the less pleasant

Maybe oral sex isn’t always sexy from your end. Bodily fluids are weird, there are down-there smells you’ve never encountered before and it’s easy to get caught up in the fact that you’re putting your mouth all over the thing your partner pees out of.

Even though oral sex may on the surface seem gross or dirty, this intimate time with your partner should never be an act of martyrdom on your part. Treating it like a job or an unappealing activity you must do as part of your relationship is only going to make it worse. Remember that a body is a body, and it isn’t going to be smell like a Yankee candle or taste like vanilla ice cream. Appreciate your partner for their humanness, and getting lost in their pleasure and yours will keep your mind from getting hung up on anything yucky.

If you’re continually grossed out and want to avoid the situation at all costs, that’s a strong indicator you aren’t comfortable having oral sex. If that sounds like you,Scarleteen can help you explore your readiness. While you may be trying to pleasure your partner, we also want our collegiettes feeling good emotionally, because you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own comfortability to make your partner happy.

Related:6 Things Everyone Is Insecure About When It Comes to Sex

Receiving

Communicate

You know what’s not fun at all? When two people try to have oral sex but neither has voiced their opinion about what they want and everyone is fumbling around feeling hella awkward and nervous. Don’t be that person. If the thought of your partner sticking their tongue inside you repulses you, then say it. Put on your big girl panties and have a talk with them about what gets you wet and how to make you cum. Talk about any boundaries you have, and make sure to listen to your partner too. Communication is key for receiving oral sex.

“Make sure you feel safe and comfortable with the person,” says Ashley Drayton, a Georgia State University alumna. “Having that comfort will make you feel less awkward and nervous. You should also tell each other what you like and don’t like, but ultimately if both parties are comfortable and passionate about pleasing each other, then it will be amazing.”

Let’s be honest, talking about sex can be a lot harder than actually having sex. It’s nerve-wracking to open up about your desires and make yourself vulnerable. However, communication is a hundred percent necessary, both for you to give consent about where your partner can touch you, and also because deep down we both know you want a good orgasm out of this. Keep in mind that when you do talk about it, you shouldn’t be criticizing your partner’s performance. It should be a mutual conversation, and if your partner isn’t okay taking any guidance, then leave them in the dust.

The last aspect of communication we want to touch on is that it’s okay for you to ask for oral sex! If you're dying for your partner to spend some time eating you out, just tell them and we guarantee they’ll be so turned on by how confident and ready you are.

Related:How To Tell If You’re Having Good Sex

Relax

We cannot stress this enough. Your vagina does not smell weird. You are a sexual goddess. You are Beyoncé. You do not have to feel insecure with your body or overthink whether or not your partner is actually enjoying eating you out.

However good a time you might have performing oral sex on your partner, it’s different when the tables are turned. It’s easy to get caught up in worrying if your partner is totally grossed out by you, and being so insecure and self-conscious is distracting you from the waves of pleasure your partner is giving you. The key to receiving oral sex is finding beauty in who you are, loving your woman self and realizing that your partner wouldn’t be giving you head if they weren’t totally in to you.

Danielle*, a junior at Kent State University, shares her experience with overthinking during oral sex. “I’m super shy naturally, so during oral sex my performance anxiety is off the charts,” she says. “I’m always worried about being awkward or not coming, but throughout college I’ve learned that it’s actually a really amazing experience if you can quiet thoughts about your body being gross or having insecure feelings.”

To truly relax and enjoy oral sex without letting negative thoughts creep in, spend some time getting to know your genitalia so you can trust in your body. Clean it by bathing regularly, and definitely don’t douche because it throws off your pH balance. Masturbate and get to know and love your vagina, because that’s pretty much what your partner is experiencing. Getting used to yourself down there and knowing exactly how you are should eliminate some insecurity that your vulva is some kind of gross monster.

Next, find some acceptance. Oral sex isn’t going to be perfect, clean and end in an orgasm every time, and there shouldn’t be that expectation. It’s okay if your partner eating you out doesn’t make you come, and it’s okay if you’re quiet or loud or shy or riding their face. Oral sex is, at its core, a time dedicated to pleasure and to grow in intimacy and connection with your partner.

Cherish it for its imperfections and awkwardness, and you’ll be enjoying yourself more in no time.

*Name has been changed

You hear it time and time again: “Communication is key in relationships.” It’s a fact that almost everyone knows and thinks they understand, but what do we mean by communication? Couples might say that talking about feelings and ensuring each person is on the same page is the best way to know how your SO feels, but instead of listening to the relationship gossip, we decided to turn to science to find out the best ways to communicate.

1. Stop texting (okay, not completely)

We live in an age where the art of conversing is lost. Texting is just so much quicker, easier and, well, less awkward. You don’t have to worry about blurting out something stupid, and you can have endless conversations — seems great, right? Wrong.

The awkwardness that we associate with in-person talking is a huge and extremely important part of communication, and all the texting you do might actually be why you feel so uncomfortable having conversations.

In fact, a study conducted by University of North Carolina psychologists found that as texting increased, other forms of communication actually decreased. In the study they used a sample of 395 students, ranging from 15 to 19 that were primarily in long-distance relationships. They were asked to record all of the types of communication they used to talk, including Skype, texting, email and phone calls. They also asked each one to rank how happy they were in their relationship from 1 (strongly disagree) – 10 (strongly agree) based on corresponding statements about their relationship.

What they found was pretty shocking. Based on the responses, they concluded that the people who used texting as a form of communication most often were actually the unhappiest with their relationship. Yes, you read that right. The form of communication that you use every single day of your life could actually be hurting your relationship.

This isn’t the first study that has reached this conclusion. Many researchers have postulated the negative effects of texting for years. Using examples of other studies, the research report for this study says that, “The most consistent finding is that secure partners are more likely to use adaptive emotional communication, whereas insecure partners show dysfunctional communication patterns: whereas avoidant or dismissive partners tend to adopt detached emotional communication, anxious or preoccupied partners tend to express anger using destructive communication (e.g., Guerrero et al., 2009 and Kobak and Hazan, 1991). Basically, that means the strongest relationships are built on having real life conversations that include all the messy, awkward pauses we try so hard to avoid. Talking is good, so put down the phone and save something to talk about in person.

Related: 8 Things Strong Couples Say to Each Other

2. Sharing is caring

When we hear the word “communication” we immediately think of talking, but there’s more to it than idle chitchat. Communication involves how couples interact with each other, not only verbally, but also physically. In fact, simply sharing time with your SO can improve how you communicate and interact with each other.

In a study conducted by Erica J. Boothby, Margaret S. Clark, and John A. Bargh at Yale University, the question of whether sharing experiences with another person (without talking) would actually improve each individual’s experience was put to the test. Using chocolate, they studied whether a person would like it more by themselves while the other person was occupied or while eating it with them. They ended up discovering that the chocolate seemed better to those who ate it with a partner. So what does this prove? It proves that communication by talking isn’t always necessary with your SO. Simply sharing an experience can actually help to improve your relationship just because you are with that person. So, although we may feel that tons of talking, listening and compromising are important — and they are — they aren’t the entirety of a relationship. Sometimes you just need to let the action speak for itself. That on its own is an important aspect of communication that you shouldn’t overlook.

3. Use your manners

You’ve been told to say “please” and “thank you” ever since you could speak. As it turns out, that was some pretty good advice. In fact, in a study by Sara B. Algoe, University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, Shelly L. Gable, University of California, Santa Barbara, and Natalya C. Maisel, University of California, Los Angeles, explored what effects saying thank you has on relationships. Although they found that male responses to expressions of gratitude were more varied, they ultimately determined that showing gratitude towards your significant other promoted a positive relationship and acted as a sort of “booster shot for the relationship.” So don’t forget to say thank you to your SO. It’s a form of communication that you shouldn’t forget, no matter how comfortable you get. It always feels nice to be thanked, and that positivity will shine through in the relationship.

4. “We” vs. “me”

Okay, get ready to get really science-y, because we’re pulling out the big guns. This study tested how satisfied couples were in their marriages based on their use of personal pronouns (i.e. me, my, I) and “we-ness” words (like us and we). Before you get all crazy and say that you're not married, this is a study that is pretty applicable to relationships in general, so don’t write it off. The craziest part about it? They didn’t judge happiness based off response, but off cardiovascular arousal. Science. The researchers ended up finding that when couples used more “we” words, it was in relation to a positive event. So basically, participants inherently included the other person in their language because they had a positive memory of it.

Don’t take this the wrong way; you don’t need to say “we” for every situation. No one loves the couple that uses “we” so much they become one person. Instead, make sure that you use “we” in all the right situations. It is a powerful word that can make you seem stronger and supportive of each other. If you’re comfortable using it, you’re comfortable in your relationship.

It isn’t always easy to communicate with your SO. Talking can turn to arguing, and zero talking can cause both sides to bottle up emotions. The key is interpersonal interaction. Take a step back from the technology, meet each other in person and simply enjoy their company. Have the difficult conversations in person, but don’t feel pressured to make every event an opportunity to dish out concerns. Remember that in the end, they are a person who responds to kindness just like you would, so don’t forget the “thank yous.” By sharing in experiences and going through the (sometimes) awkward moments that accompany conversation, your ability to communicate will be stronger than ever.

You’re too observant for your own good — you always notice the little things. The lopsided smile on their face as they text that girl on their phone — the smile they used to give you. The strand of hair in their bed that’s blonde — not your brunette locks. Every day, each little sign begins to construct a seemingly infallible narrative in your head. Every minute, you can’t help but grow more irritated at your SO. And yet, although the suspicions grow in your head, you can’t bring yourself to do anything about it.

Cheating is hard for both people involved. Guilt, suspicion and lack of trust can eat away at a relationship without proper confrontation and resolution. We’ve talked to experts and students on college campuses to give you five steps to follow when you suspect your SO is cheating. Whether your suspicions are true or not, your fear definitely needs to get resolved.

1. Talk it out with your family and friends

You don’t have to go through this alone. A third party can help you clear your thoughts and give you a fresh perspective. Talk to someone who knows both you and your SO as a couple, whether that’s a family member or a good friend. Let them know your suspicions and see how they respond. Their insight on your situation can help confirm or assuage your suspicions. Maybe they know that your SO has cheated in a relationship before, or maybe they feel that your SO would never hurt you like that. That information can give you an outside view on your relationship, which is definitely helpful for you to gather your thoughts.

At the same time, don’t take the opinion of another person too strongly. Use it to guide your thoughts, but don’t take it too seriously. Even if your SO has cheated before, maybe they’ve changed and wouldn’t do that anymore. And even if your SO is kind-hearted, maybe that’s why they’re too afraid to reveal the truth. Keep that in mind as you talk with your family and friends — your intuition is what matters most. Along with that, make sure to talk only with people who you know won’t gossip. It’s not going to end well if your SO finds out about your suspicion through the grape vine rather than from you.

Anna Trojanowska, a freshman at the College of Charleston, says that even if you feel uncomfortable talking with other people, you can still find other ways to express your concerns. “If you feel that you need help, talk with a trusting friend or family member,” she says. “If you don’t feel like socializing about this topic because you feel it is too sensitive or personal, I highly recommend writing your thoughts down in a journal or simply a piece of paper. Trust me, this really helps. You will feel a little weight of emotional relief once you get some of your thoughts and feelings out.” Keep that in mind if the topic is too personal for you to discuss.

2. Make sure your suspicions have evidence

The police can’t barge into a house without a search warrant, just like you can’t accuse your SO without proper evidence. Think carefully and determine what actions make you feel suspicious. Are they canceling plans more often? Do they hide their phone from you, text more often around you or talk about a specific girl quite a lot? Did they show more affection toward you before all this began? These are all good questions to ask yourself — along with others that apply to your personal situation. If you find yourself answering “yes” to a majority of your questions, you might have a cheater on your hands.

However, it’s important that you don’t blindly accuse your SO with half-baked, imaginary evidence either. It’s easy to get caught up in delusions and manipulate events to fit your preconceptions — and that’s not fair to your SO. Believe it or not, it’s quite hurtful to be accused of infidelity when you’re actually not cheating at all — it’s a huge breach of trust. You might lose your SO if your accusation ends up wrong. That’s why you should invest time into backing your suspicions with solid evidence. Even write down your reasons if it helps organize your thoughts. It’s not something to take lightly. Be methodical, precise and, most importantly, logical. Don’t make an impulsive assumption and ruin something beautiful.

3. Avoid stalking potential suspects on social media

While your first instinct might be to comb through every potential suspect on your SO’s Facebook (and consider whether you’re more attractive than them), please don’t do that. By obsessing over the “other person,” you’re stooping down to their level. Your only concern in this conflict is your relationship with your SO. It doesn’t matter who they cheated on you with — what matters is that they cheated! That’s what you’re worried about, and whenever you begin to obsess, stop and remember that your focus should be on yourself.

Along with adding more worries than you need, looking for a suspect will only further heighten your imagination. Whenever you see your SO talking to that person, even completely platonically, you’ll only grow more suspicious by the minute. That emotion-charged suspicion will most likely be unfounded. While it’s definitely important to catch patterns in your partner’s actions (like texting the same girl over and over again), don’t create patterns where they don’t exist.

4. Identify your feelings and set your emotional boundaries

In the end, however the relationship will turn out, your emotional state should come first. Never let someone get you depressed, really — it’s not worth it. Identify your personal feelings about your SO. Do you feel like you could have a future together? Or, could you see the two of you breaking up after a while? Especially in college, some relationships can’t last simply due to distance after graduation. If that’s the case, is it worth it to break down over some person whose name you’ll barely remember in 10 years? Definitely not.

Keep those emotional boundaries in mind. It might sound harsh, but don’t care about them if you don’t have to. If they’ve been cheating, they’ve lost the guarantee that you’ll care about them anyway. By loving yourself and keeping that first in your mind, you can get through any heartbreak. On the other hand, if you really did love them and saw a future together with them, that’s definitely a tougher situation to handle. Still, remember that these same concepts of loving yourself and creating boundaries hold true for you as well.

Rhonda Ricardo, romantic expert and the author of Cherries Over Quicksand, notes that when a relationship turns sour, it’s important to keep your personal goals in mind. “If an SO leaves a relationship there is going to be heartbreak and it’s not an easy time, so make sure you keep your goals in front of your eyes, to stay focused on the hopes and dreams you have for your life,” she says. “Keeping prominent photos or works about your life purpose/goals and physical exercise will help you focus on the positive and less on the broken heart.” You lived your life just fine before you met your SO, and you can live just fine without them as well.

Anna reminds us that in the end, your life is in your hands alone. “In my opinion, no one deserves to be cheated on, so the relationship wasn’t meant to be,” she says. “Life has its ups and downs and it is in your power to think positive and take matters into your own hands. You are in control of your life and you have the choice to leave a relationship if you feel that it is threatening. Life is too short to stand in time and worry about the possibility of your partner cheating on you again in the future.” As you prepare to confront your SO, keep those words in mind. Either way, you will get through this — don’t ever doubt that.

Related: Should You Forgive Your SO For Cheating?

5. Confront your SO with logic, not emotion

Now that you’ve gathered your evidence, talked with your support system and identified your personal feelings, you can confront your SO. Be upfront that it’s going to be a serious conversation. Call and let them know that you’d like to talk about your relationship, and set a place and time where you feel most comfortable — and where you can easily run to a friend afterward if things don’t go too well (remember, you are your #1 priority right now!).

When the conversation starts and you let them know your suspicions, don’t let your emotions take hold of you. Instead, calmly explain all the evidence you’ve observed over the time you think they’ve been cheating. Most importantly, don’t get mad and immediately accuse them. Make sure you use qualifiers like, “You seem to be texting this girl a lot” and “I think there might be something going on between you and her.” That way, they know you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt — and will hopefully retain some trust in the relationship if they end up clean.

Your SO is most likely going to vehemently deny the claims, whether they’ve been cheating or not. At this point, you need to keep pushing. Keep showing them your evidence and carefully notice their reactions. Do they seem nervous? Maybe a little guilty? Latch on to those attitudes and question them about it. Eventually, they might give in and confess. And if they don’t, and counter your evidence with real evidence of their own (text logs with the suspected girl, genuine reasons for missing dates, etc.), they may not have been cheating after all. It’s your choice if you choose to believe them or not. Just make sure you decide carefully.

Bridget Higgins, a senior at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, notes that the decision ultimately comes down to trust. “I’ve been in a relationship with cheating involved, although I didn’t find out about it until after we broke up,” she says. “Sadly, when it comes to cheating, there is no easy way to address the problem. You can confront your SO directly. But if lying is already involved, then there’s no way to know whether your SO is telling you the truth. I think it all comes down to trust. Cheating, as sucky as it is, is totally out of your control. If you trust your SO and what he/she is telling you, then you just have to let your fears go about cheating.”

If you decide to trust your SO, it can be extremely hard to simply let go of your fears about such a heartbreaking issue. Ricardo gives us great advice on how to start. “Remember how we all appreciate those that give us the benefit of the doubt (usually without expecting an explanation because they know you are trustworthy) including an SO, friends and family,” she says. “Then extend that same benefit of the doubt to your SO even if you suspect they may be cheating, and give them a chance to explain away your fears.” Like Ricardo says, give your SO a chance to eradicate your fears. Let them love you – things might end up better than before.

And if you genuinely trust your SO, then believe them and don’t worry about cheating anymore. Make compromises and construct a plan with your partner to establish trust again. Maybe ask them to text you more often and let you know where they are so that you don’t need to feel suspicious. If you still feel threatened after a while, then it might be time to end the relationship. Never stay with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You are in control of your life and you can choose to leave a relationship if you are not happy. Never forget that and good luck, collegiettes!

Probably not, TBH. But April fools! 

LOL. C'mon. We all know this is impossible. (Gotcha, though.)

Navigating whether or not a guy is into your texting style can be tricky. Not everyone likes emojis or four exclamation points. Here are some pointers so you don’t end up sending texts no guys want to receive.

1. Good morning texts

Most people enjoy little signs of positivity, especially in the morning, a “good morning” text being one of them. This text essentially means you thought of them first thing when you woke up. Yes, that’s right, before caffeine and teeth brushing. Guys may act like they think texts like these are stupid and cliché, but in my experience, when they’re accustomed to it, they start to miss them when they’re gone. If you want to mix it up a bit a "have a good text" can also have the same effect.

2.“I had a really good time with you last night.”

Ugh, can we all just agree that receiving this texts just makes you feel like the best damn person on the planet? In fact, you were solely responsible for making someone else have a “great” time and that’s just amazing. Props to you and everyone involved. 10/10.

3. Memes

Everyone likes to think they have the best and most unique sense of humor. Having your friends or loved ones send you memes means that someone thought something was funny and wanted you to laugh along, even if you’re miles apart. They thought you’d enjoy something so silly or ridiculous, or perhaps it reminded them of a funny time you embarrassed yourself. In this day and age, meme sharing is bonding and it’s 100 percent normal.

4. Invitations

Whether it’s a party or a romantic date, it is nice knowing that someone remembered to shoot you a text when some plans are approaching. They like your presence.

5. Compliments

Telling your man that you think he’s hot will give him a little confidence boost throughout the day, especially since he knows you’re thinking of it. This is definitely geared toward people already in relationships so it won't sound so out of the blue. A few examples could be "you looked cute in your Snapchat you sent me" or "how did I get so lucky?" Make sure you're sending texts not only he's comfortable with, but you're comfortable with as well. There's definitely a difference between "ay daddy *insert heart eyes*" and "wow you look good."

6. “Come over.”

This is a little more aggressive than a simple invitation to your Uncle Bob’s barbecue. It clearly has some sexual implications for all of the right reasons. Guys like a woman who knows what she wants, and he’ll appreciate the tone. It’s really up to you whether to add winky faces or not. Is it overkill? Yes. Will it get the point across? Most definitely.

And if you simply wanted them to come over to hang out without the sex, maybe mention a few activities you'd rather do instead to clarify your intentions. He'll like to know what he's getting into.

Related: 18 Responses to Receiving An Unsolicited Dick Pic

7. Long stories

If your guy loves you, he will appreciate your thoughts on how the universe is expanding and time is moving so fast. He will like the daily updates about which dogs you saw that day, and he’ll especially enjoy the childhood story of how you fell out of a tree in your grandma’s backyard. He will learn to appreciate your mood swings and the long, terrific tales that come with them of the rude girl in chemistry who would not stop kicking your chair. Whatever it is, they want to hear their significant other spill their heart out. They love you and your (bad) storytelling habits.

8. “I’m ordering food, what do you want?”

Because pizza and wings tonight sound amazing and he will thank you with a heart eye emoji. Double the points if you know his order by heart.

9. Chain texts

Those dirty, emoji-filled chain texts that blow up everyone’s phones around the holidays make you feel like a kid again. They are lighthearted and fun, and you can never really tell your grandparents why you’re smirking at your phone around Thanksgiving.

However, there are some people who don't enjoy these silly texts as much. If you or your man's humor  are more on the serious side, I'd opt out of texts of these sorts.

10. “I got my period.”

Hooray! This text mainly applies to guys you're sleeping with. No future baby in the next nine months may be good news if you're not planning a pregnancy.

11. Nudes

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Most people enjoy a nice booty pic every once in a while on Snapchat. If you're unsure of what to send, check out some safe rules for sexting.

12. Goodnight texts

Okay, the whole idea of dudes not liking feelings and emotions is pure bullshit. He likes knowing he was the first and last thing on your mind.

13.“I love you.”

Being loved rocks. Period.

Developing feelings for a friend can be awkward and confusing, especially if the two of you are best friends. Friendships that last don’t come easy, and making that move out of the friendzone can have its complications, so it’s important to weigh the pros and cons before taking the leap. Here are some things to consider when thinking about going from BFF to SO.

1. If it ends, you may lose a valuable friendship

This is one of the obvious risks of dating a good friend. If all goes well, the two of you can continue the friendship while also pursuing a romantic relationship together. However, if the relationship goes south, you may be down a partner and friend — double whammy. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if it is worth the risk. As Ashley Drayton from Georgia State University put it, “Losing a friend if the relationship doesn’t work is my personal fear, however, if the connection is mutual and you both feel like taking that step…the relationship could be amazing and could even turn into marriage.”

2. He or she knows everything about you

If the person you are developing feelings for is a close friend, they most likely know everything about you. While this can be a total pro, it can easily become a con as feelings grow stronger. If he or she knows about all of your past relationships, it can become a topic of jealousy. Relationships should not be about the past, but when dating a close friend, the past can often cause complications moving forward. If you do decide to take the leap, make sure you are focused on a new future together, not the past. Chelsea Hudlow, a University of Central Florida student, says, "By knowing each other well we're able to support each other better and anticipate each other's needs, but knowing everything can reduce privacy."

Related: What Really Happens When You Hook Up With a Friend

3. It can become weird for your mutual friends

It’s always kind of weird when two people within a friend group start dating. In a way, it can definitely throw off the dynamic. However, if you’re convinced that one of your friends is the right person for you, it can sometimes be worth the risk. Even though it may be weird for them at first, they will quickly get used to it, and it may even encourage others to take the leap from BFF to SO as well.

4. It won’t be the same as before, and never will be again

Before deciding to date a friend, you have to accept the fact that the friendship will not be the same as it was and probably never will be again. When you involve yourself romantically with someone, a different type of friendship will evolve. It’s up to you to decide which you would prefer.

5. You’ll have to replace that friend with someone else you can vent to

You can’t vent to your SO about them, so you’ll have to find a new best friend. And as we all know, making best friends in college can be difficult; it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and introduce yourself to new people. However, it’s extremely important to have someone to go to when you’re in need of advice.

When contemplating whether or not to act on feelings for a friend, you must keep all the risks in mind. Although there are surely a lot of pros to dating a friend, there are also many cons. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide if that particular friend is worth losing, because you can never predict how relationships will be. That being said, many successful relationships do blossom from friendships. Just look at Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher!

Being in a relationship can be an amazing experience. But being in a relationship can also feel like a real burden when one or both of you feel like you might be holding each other back. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you are, plus it can be a difficult conversation to have. More than that, though, sometimes you care about your SO so much that you don’t want to believe that he or she might keep you from pursuing bigger things. No matter how you might be experiencing it, it’s a tough topic, so we’ve spoken to some collegiettes about how you can tell if your relationship is holding you back.

Your relationship is holding you back if…

1. You’re so focused on your SO that you can’t focus on yourself

It’s totally normal to focus on your partner in a relationship, but when it gets to a point where you can’t focus on yourself anymore, there is a problem. “I was in a relationship for three years, and the main reason it ended was because we both felt we were holding each other back,” *Jordan* says. “I was super invested in his world that I never focused on myself. After it ended I realized I had no clue what I was doing with my life.” Jordan says that after she and her SO split, she was able to discover so much about herself that she wasn’t able to do with him. Of course, when you’re dating someone you should be invested in their world, but you shouldn’t lose yourself in it. If you find you can’t focus on yourself and your goals in your relationship, then you should consider spending some time apart.

2. You’re losing yourself

Going along with that, losing yourself in a relationship can be a big red flag alerting you that your relationship might be holding you back. “If you’re at a point in your relationship where you’re sacrificing things you enjoy, it’s time to move on,” Rachel Petty, a recent graduate of James Madison University, says. “I was dating a guy who didn’t like to go out as much as I did. He’d beg me to stay in, and I’d miss out on nights with my friends. If the person you’re with is causing you to be less like yourself, they’re holding you back.” It’s important to strike a balance between doing things your SO likes to do and things you like to do, but if you feel like you’re starting to change yourself and what you like to do to fit your SO, then like Rachel said, it might be time to move on.

3. You and your SO have two very different life paths

It can be incredibly difficult when you realize that you and your SO have two different life paths, primarily because you are pursuing two different careers. “I've been in a relationship for five years with a guy since sophomore year of high school, and I'm coming to realize our career paths (and life paths) are going to be so different,” *Laura* says. “Pre-med and business don’t really seem to have the same life path.” When one of you is staying in school for another four years (or longer) and the other wants to start their career in a different place, you might end up holding each other back because you’re now in two different places in life, which means it might be best for you to focus on yourself for a little bit.

Related: 3 Little Things You Should Stop Doing For a Healthier Relationship

Your relationship is not holding you back if…

1. You can communicate successfully about what you both need

You’ve heard it before: communication is key. And it truly is, especially when it comes to determining if your relationship is holding you back. “Ultimately it comes down to: do you want to be together and make it work?” Jackie* says “If you do, you have to work through it like (my SO and I) did. We said, ‘Okay, this is what I need to do in order to get to where I need to be and if it means we don't see each other for a few days or speak heavily, that's what it needs to be.’” Jackie says it’s definitely not an easy conversation to have, but if you genuinely see a future with your SO, then it’s a conversation worth having, especially so you two don’t end up holding each other back.

2. Your SO is your biggest cheerleader

If your SO is your biggest supporter, always encouraging you to go for your dream, and you do the same for him or her, then you guys are probably not holding each other back. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it does mean it will be worth it in the long haul. Emily Veith, a recent graduate of California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo, says her boyfriend is a big supporter of hers. “He supports me doing the things I love, and is there cheering me on when I walk into interviews for legislative offices (I want to work in legislature.)” she says. “Also, he gives me time to focus on me. For example, when I was trying to complete my senior project before I graduated in June, he stepped aside and said I needed to focus on my project so I could accomplish my goal.” Her bottom line: “When your SO stands by your side and supports you and your dreams and helps you to accomplish those dreams, that’s when you know they are a keeper.” We couldn’t agree more.

Of course, what works for everyone in his or her own relationships is completely individualistic. But it is important to look within yourself to figure out if you can accomplish what you want in life while also being with your SO. Whatever the answer might be, it’s okay. What’s important is that you’re doing what’s best for you right now, and sometimes that’s not what other people want. At the end of the day, though, you have to take the best care of you and your dreams as you can, even if that means you’re riding solo for a little while. Your dreams are worth it.

*Names have been changed.

It happens in pretty much every relationship — you’re on cloud nine and it feels like nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere, a disagreement arises. Soon it turns into your first full-blown fight and you guys have to pick up the pieces. You can’t even remember how it escalated, but it went from zero to 100 real quick. And the fights will probably keep coming back.

Fighting is a normal and inevitable part of every relationship, and it can even be beneficial. But it is hard to do it well. That’s why we’re bringing you the tools to help you improve your fights and your relationship. There’s method to this madness (literally) and we’re going to show you exactly what it is.

We’ve enlisted the expert help of Jay Hurt, relationship coach and author of The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship, as well as others who have their own words of wisdom from long-term relationships. And as someone who’s been in a relationship for three years, I feel I can share what I’ve learned with you as well.

Why do couples fight?

Fighting can seriously suck, but why does it continue to happen? “Generally [it’s] because of a lack of communication in one form or another,” Hurt says. “Most fights could be avoided if we as individuals made sure we were clear on our understanding of our partner and we took a moment to try to see things from their perspective.” You’ve probably heard it a million times, and we’ll say it again (sorry) but it really is true — communication is key.

Is it bad to fight in a relationship?

Does fighting frequently suggest incompatibility? Not necessarily. “Fighting frequently could be an example of two people who never learned how to communicate properly with each other,” Hurt says. “Fighting can also be an example of lashing out at your mate about something not related to your mate at all.” Sometimes maybe your SO has been bottling up their emotions, and you're the last straw on the camel's back. “It could be the only release they know,” he adds. “Fights/arguments are always symptoms, never the root cause of misbehavior problems in a relationship.” Fights can also help you grow and learn as a couple and be a form of expressing yourself. You might learn a lot about your partner through how they handle conflict and fights.

“Fighting isn’t bad because you’re just talking about your feelings cause you have to,” Dora, a recent graduate from The University of British Columbia, says. “It’s good but can do damage if you don’t know how to do it sensitively and sensibly.” How about from a guy’s perspective? Alan*, a college sophomore, weighs in. “I think it’s healthy and okay. If you don’t fight you might be neglecting your own feelings. But if you fight in the wrong way, then you might be belittling the feelings of another person. So it’s important to fight properly.”

A study found that fighting can be even good for your health; people who repressed their feelings of anger during fights had a shorter life span than those who allowed their emotions to manifest and discussed the issue.

Remember those cute emotion characters in Inside Out? You have to acknowledge and accept your emotions, because repressing them will negatively impact your emotional well-being and happiness. So while fights themselves aren’t necessarily bad for your relationship, how you fight is what really counts. Plus, improving how you fight may help it happen less in the future!

Related:4 Steps to Resolving a Fight With Your SO

Ways to improve (and even prevent) fights with your SO

1. Try to communicate effectively

You’ve heard it time and time again, but it’s for good reason. Proper communication is truly one of the pillars of a healthy, lasting relationship — and it could be the key to fixing your fighting habits. “If we listen well, communicate effectively and make it a goal to be unselfish in relationships, we will minimize the fighting and make the fights we have minor in our relationships,” Hurt says. That sounds pretty good to us!

Ways to improve communication:

• Instead of putting on your fight mode as soon as your SO says something critical, pause and listen closely to what they are saying first. You might feel attacked, but chances are (hopefully) that’s not their intention.
• Try to acknowledge what the other person says: This will help both of you understand how you each feel. It helps to communicate that you’re actually considering what they’re saying and valuing their feelings. You might have been listening, but if you don’t give any verbal affirmation, your partner may think you weren’t.
• Don’t give the silent treatment — it’s immature and rude and it won’t accomplish anything.
• Check your body language. Try not to have a closed off stance, like folding your arms, and look at them when they’re talking to you.
• This should be pretty obvious, but don’t go on your phone or laptop when your partner is talking to you — this is also disrespectful and can add fuel to the fire.

2. Listen carefully and try to understand their feelings

Listening is half the battle in communicating effectively. After all, communication is a two-way street. There are always two sides to a story — so instead of trying to project or assume what they are feeling, take the time to actually listen and consider their perspective. “When you think of them first and consider their feelings first, you are less likely to have reason to become upset or frustrated,” Hurt says.

Here’s some more food for thought from a college guy’s perspective. “The difficult thing about fighting is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person,” Alan says. “And that is the key to peacefully resolving and understanding why they are feeling what they’re feeling.” Once you understand why they are feeling or acting a certain way, you might have a completely different view on the situation.

3. Don’t try to read their mind and make assumptions

As cool as it would be if we were all like Professor X, it’s not possible. So stop trying to be like an X-Men and reading people’s minds. “Most fights could be avoided if we as individuals made sure we were clear on our understanding of our partner and we took a moment to try to see things from their perspective,” Hurt says.

Also, never assume anything. It’s obvious, but not something people always put into practice: the best way to know what someone is thinking or feeling is to ask! “People can be so quick to assume, especially when you’re close to them,” Dora says. “Ask enough questions so you actually understand why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling and it’s actually coming from their mind not yours.” This isn’t a mystery for you to solve Sherlock style — just ask until you understand.

4. Don’t name-call

If you love this person, why would you ever want to put them down? “Never make it personal,” Hurt says. “Try to remember, you are upset, but you love this person. You want them to hear you, not for you to hurt them.”

Plus, name-calling can build resentment and contempt — not feelings you want to foster in any relationship. This pretty much sums it up: when you’re fighting, don’t attack the person.

5. Take a breather

If you’re getting super fired up and it’s escalating from zero to 100 real quick, sometimes it’s best to take a step back and cool off — whatever that means for you, whether it’s breathing deeply for 20 seconds or returning to the issue a few hours later.

“If it's just too heated and no one can ‘hear’ anyone at some point — take some time to walk away and come back and address with cooler heads later,” Hurt says. Be aware of when it’s getting out of hand and recognize when it’s time to take a step back so that you can discuss the issue at the best time.

6. Discuss the mistakes in your past arguments

Learn from your mistakes — it’s a cliché, but for good reason. If you take time to discuss with your partner what went wrong in your last fight, it might be your saving grace the next time things get heated.

“Know your defense mechanisms and know how to navigate around them so that you don’t continue making the same mistakes,” recommends Amanda*, a senior at The University of British Columbia. If you’ve been fighting about the same thing over and over again with no progress being made, try to rethink how you are going about it. Talking after a fight and trying to understand what went wrong can help you improve your understanding of each other and your compassion.

7. Have a game plan for fighting

There are different fighting styles, so understand that your partner may not fight the same way as you do. And once you’re aware of their tendencies, you can be better prepared to handle a disagreement.

After your fights, taking time to reflect isn’t enough — you need to apply what you learned to your future disagreements. Discussing when to compromise is also helpful.

8. Don’t use absolutes

Avoid saying “always” and “never.” “Never use absolutes because when you’re saying ‘you never listen to me’ or ‘you always mess up,’ it’s ignoring all the positive aspects and habits of the other person,” Alan says.

When you tell your partner that they never listen to you, you might be undermining all the times they did listen to you. Unless it really is an issue where they “always” or “never” say or do something, take a cue from Justin Bieber and “never say never.”

9. Try to show love and selflessness during fights

When you’re in the middle of an argument, the last thing you probably want to do is be loving to your partner. But it could make all the difference.

It also might help calm all the emotions you’re feeling. “Fights come from lack of the following — listening, understanding, caring, patience, compassion, empathy ... the list goes on and on,” Hurt says. “The best way to prevent fights is to try to put your partner first in all things — true unselfishness.” Sometimes just reaching out and letting them know you still love them can help bring your problems into perspective and help you see the bigger picture.

10. Don’t try to win a fight

Your relationship isn’t a game — there aren’t any winners in a fight. Trust me, coming from someone who’s super competitive, this isn’t the time to bring it. “It’s important not to a win a fight. What matters isn’t whether you win but how you fight,” Alan says. “So to understand someone else is to love them, not just try to force you upon them.”

Dora agrees. “Arguing is not like a debate,” she says. “The only way to win in a relationship is if you’re both happy. If the other person isn’t happy, you’re not winning either.” Let’s channel that competitive energy into something else, shall we?

Fights can be inevitable, but what you can control is how you fight. Everyone has different ways of dealing with fighting and remember what works for someone else might not necessarily work for you. So try these different ways of coping and stick with the ones that work best for you and your SO!

*Name has been changed

You know the moment. Maybe they texted, sent a late-night Snap, slid into your DMs or liked a Facebook post that’s just a little too off the beaten path. That’s right. Your ex/former flame is back, and they’re looking to lure you back in. Don’t give in (at least not without some caution)!

Those of us who have been dumped, ghosted on or just plain treated poorly by a former romantic interest know your pain, and we’re here to make sure you don’t fall back into this painful cycle. Read on for a variety of steps to take when your ex tries to strike something up again!

1. Don’t engage

It isn’t worth it. If they’ve decided to slither their way back into your life after hurting you, it’s likely their motivations aren’t good—they should be able to respect your space otherwise. You shouldn’t have to deal, especially if talking to them is going to bring up bad feelings and stress. If you take this route, simply delete whatever they’ve sent you and move on! Keep doing you.

“One of my exes reached out to me on my birthday,” says Katie Sall, a junior at Illinois State University. “Even though it was kindhearted, I wish he knew that it sort of broke my heart all over again after not speaking for months and also sort of killed my birthday. My tip would be to hold your ground and remember why it didn't work out in the first place.”

In the long run, you’ll be happy that you didn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they still had a grip on you. “Not everybody deserves to hear how you're doing, and not everybody deserves your time,” Katie says. “It's okay to take a step back and realize that you don't owe them anything!” You have to put yourself first before you can think about welcoming anyone else, romantic or otherwise into your life.

Related: What It’s Like to Run Into Your Ex

2. Don’t stalk their social media

It can be near impossible — especially for those of us who never want to hurt anyone’s feelings — to avoid checking in on a former romantic interest when they’re not still in your life, let alone if they start talking to you again. "Stalking your ex on social media only serves to hurt you," says Grace*. "They'll constantly be on your mind and you'll get no distance from what happened."

If you have to, block them or delete their number. Their feelings aren’t relevant at this point, and you need to put yours first! It might very well be better for your mental health to have them completely out of sight, and that way they’ll start to fade into the background.

They’ll stop popping up in your brain every other thought, and eventually it will get easier to deal with the pain or the unhappy memories. "Removing your ex from your social media is a good step in the process of getting over them," says Grace. If you have to justify blocking them another way, consider how you’ll make them wonder what’s going on if they can’t get in contact with you. Then they’ll be the one stressing! Nothing wrong with a little payback.

Ideally, the happy memories will even start to outweigh the bad, and you can look back on the relationship (or whatever it was) and remember why it did make you happy and what it taught you.

3. Have an honest conversation

If you think you can do so and that it will be productive (that is, they will be honest too), then maybe it’s time you had a talk about what happened and why it isn’t cool that they’re trying to get in touch again.

Maybe there’s potential here for growth and closure that won’t leave you wondering about what it was exactly that went wrong or what you could have done to change the way things ended. “My advice for exes coming back in your life would usually be ‘No, do not pass go, do not entertain them,’ but if the relationship is still genuine, you both understand what went wrong and mutually want to work on making things right, then go for it!” says Ashley Drayton, a 2015 graduate from Georgia State University.

Confronting the person you used to be involved with can lead to a variety of conversations. “The last guy I was dating started reaching out to me shortly after we broke up and I was very confused,” says Annie*. “I'm happy I talked to him afterward because I called him out and told him that he treated me like garbage, and that wasn't okay at all.”

There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings about the way things went and how what they did impacted you. “If someone treats you poorly, don't let them in right away with no questions asked. They're your ex for a reason,” Annie says. “I'm so glad I kept my guard up with him and told him off.” Hopefully they’ll take what you said seriously and not put someone else through the same thing — that’s about the best you can hope for from an ex!

Related: 17 Things We Wish We Could Say to Our Exes

4. Take note of your progress and remember why things ended

Since they got out of your life, things have undoubtedly been better. Even if the relationship was good at the beginning, there’s a reason they’re gone — it wasn’t meant to be. Think of all the time you spent grieving and annoying your friends and going over every moment a million times. You don’t need to go through that again!

Getting over them and the relationship took so much time and effort, and it may very well seem like things could be different now — try to think objectively. They didn’t treat you well and you weren’t good for each other, and it ended. If it’s meant to be, it will work itself out, but don’t give in just because they are making this power move! If they are being genuine, they’re going to have to work harder than that — and you’re worth working hard for.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking about reaching out to your ex yourself, consider whether you’re doing it for selfish reasons. “My ex-boyfriend contacted me about eight months after the relationship ended with an extremely long text message,” says Stephanie Huynh, a freshman at Lehigh University. “He basically told me his version of the breakup and how he still wanted to be friends after everything we had been through.”

Unless there’s a legitimate reason for the contact, err on the side of leaving them alone. “If you ever want to get back in touch with your ex, do it with good intentions, not just to make yourself feel better,” Stephanie says. “There is another person on the line, and bringing up old, painful memories isn't worth it sometimes.” If it’s still painful or sad for you, the case is probably the same for them.

5. Be the bigger person

If you’re in a place where talking to them won’t screw up all the amazing progress you’ve made, there’s also nothing wrong with being nice and polite! It’s also a great way for you to maintain control in the situation.

Former romantic interests always manage to show up at the worst times. “After I got into my first committed relationship with my now husband, I turned into a guy magnet,” says Emilie Trepanier, a senior at The University of Utah. “Former flames who ghosted on me or simply said ‘it's just not working’ suddenly appeared back in my life.”

If they’re trying to get under your skin, they won’t be able to if you’re playing it cool and letting their dumb moves roll off your back. “I continued to be nice to them because I sort of saw it as one big joke because they knew they'd treated me poorly in the first place, [and] it felt kinda good to say that they missed their chance on me, not gonna lie,” Emilie says. Snaps to that.

Hardest of all is making the decision to continue talking to them. Self-assess first, and determine whether this is something you can handle and whether or not it will be beneficial for you to keep them around. “I realized when you care about someone, when you have simple admiration for what it is, and you enjoy their presence in your life (even if that's just knowing you’re on good terms), I [would] personally rather be around to support them as a genuine friend, then as nothing at all,” says Danielle Pransky, a junior at Montclair State University.

If you’re both mature and stable enough to handle it, maybe test out the friendly waters. “Feelings can definitely complicate things but if you like them as a person and they treat you well as a friend, I don't think it's a bridge that necessarily has to be burned, maybe you just don't have to talk as frequently,” Danielle says. “Creating that distance helps a little bit as well as meeting new people.” Maybe having them around can keep you more aware of what you’re looking for and what you know isn’t good for you!

Whether or not exes have a radar for when you’re just starting to get your life back on track (let alone just getting involved in something new and good), we’ll leave for science to determine. For now, just follow these trusty tips, and you’ll keep moving on to bigger and better things! Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with yourself first.

*Name has been changed

In a serious relationship, it’s easy to slowly lose sight of yourself when you’re with your SO every minute of the day. Even past the “honeymoon stage,” many couples find themselves spending no time apart, which can be unhealthy for the relationship. However, requesting space can sometimes come off the wrong way, leading the other person to believe he or she is losing you.

1. Define the type of space you need

There are different types of space that you may be craving in your relationship. If you need physical space, request a day or two of the week when the two of you will spend time apart pursuing your own activities. If you want emotional space, politely ask him or her to not interrupt or distract you when you’re doing something you enjoy. One way to go about this would be to say something like, "I'm reading this book (or whatever you do) right now, I would like some peace and quiet if that's okay." This way, you aren't coming off a rude and making it clear that you enjoy this personal time doing something you like.

2. Don’t use the word “space”

“I need my space” is too blunt and demanding, so try to be a little more sympathetic to his or her feelings. This phrase often serves as a sign that the relationship is coming to an end, and you don’t want to worry your partner. Instead, you can say, “I think we need more alone time,” or “I think we should take time to ourselves sometimes.” This way, you aren’t giving the illusion that you don’t enjoy spending time with that person or that you are annoyed.

Related: 5 Clingy Habits that are Ruining Your Love Life

3. Mention the reasons why

Most likely, your SO will probably be a little concerned no matter how you go about this. Therefore, it’s extremely important to immediately mention the reasoning behind your request. You should never just say you need time to yourself without explaining why, because that will only lead your SO to assume the worst. Be sure to mention what you will use that alone time for, such as exploring a hobby or catching up on school work. Chelsea Jackson, a junior at Iowa State University, says, “I would simply tell them that I need some time to relax by myself. I have had some issues with particularly clingy exes, where they have gotten upset that I wanted/needed some ‘me time.’ In situations like that, I typically just state that I'm busy and need to work on stuff, or I need some quality time with my roommates.” Anyone who truly cares about you will respect these types of requests.

4. Mention the benefits

There are many benefits to having alone time. For example, you could mention how the both of you could get your school work done faster without any distractions, or that alone time will make you cherish the time spent together even more. Most importantly, tell them you want space because you care about the relationship, not the opposite. Lindsey Allen, a sophomore at the University of New Haven, says, “Alone time is very healthy for a relationship because space/time away allows you to reflect and be your own person separate from your SO. If you spend too much time with your SO, it's harder to differentiate yourself from your relationship.” Having your own sense of self in a relationship is crucial for its success.

5. Listen and be considerate

Hopefully, your SO will understand your reasoning and respect your request. However, if your partner seems bothered or hurt by it, make sure you listen to them and come up with some type of compromise. You don’t want to negatively affect your relationship, and you shouldn’t demand something that will make your SO upset or uncomfortable. There is always a middle ground to be found.

It’s okay to need and want space in a relationship, and you should never feel ashamed for asking. If you’re with the right person, he or she will be understanding. With these steps, you can get the alone time you need without damaging the relationship.